Two households, two different time zones, two very different holidays ....
We drove down to visit my parents yesterday for Thanksgiving. We had thought about staying home, but Wife was not feeling up to all the cooking so we drove the two hours instead. And all in all, the day went unexpectedly well. My brother and his girlfriend were there, my folks prepared twice as much food as we could possibly have eaten, and everything went pretty well. Wife and my father even managed to discuss politics civilly, intelligently, and without screaming at each other. (After 25 years you would think that this would no longer be noteworthy, because they would have learned to skate around each other. But trust me, it's noteworthy.) We spent the night, were well-fed again this morning at breakfast, and finally hit the road for home. No dramatic news, but a pleasant (and filling!) visit all around. Just what Thanksgiving ought to be.
____________________
Meanwhile, in another place far far away, D asked her husband for a divorce.
Early Thursday morning, she sent me an e-mail which said, in part:
I asked [my husband] for a divorce. I set a period of six months to reflect and consider the options, but I don't have any real doubt that my decision at the end of the waiting period will be the same as it is today. I simply said that I found it impossible to live without sex and that I saw no possibility of that changing in our relationship. Then I basically let him hammer me as a person and accepted his critique. It's not easy to accept that I have deeply hurt and rejected someone who has always been a good husband, excellent father and fine human being because he was unwilling to conform to my views on sexuality and human attractiveness. It is not, I am painfully aware, anything you have ever done to Wife, who clearly gained as much weight as [my husband]-if not a great deal more-and yet you loved her and made love to her. I cannot do likewise. And believe me, Hosea, if I could have willed it different, I would have done so. [My husband] finds my views controlling (It's your way or the highway, I was angrily told), shallow, stubborn, bitterly unkind, and deeply wounding. He is furious with me, and I have to own all the anger because on the deepest level, to refuse to love someone for who they are is a very great sin. I simply don't know how to change, and to fake something I cannot feel seems to betray sexuality on every level.
[My husband] rightly said that at one point he lost 90 pounds and it made no difference in our sex life. He is right on both accounts; my only answer is that he was still furious with me, and gained all the weight back very quickly. Even if we had wanted to work on the relationship-a partnership that had been gone for ten years and needed some long term repair- we never had the time. Second, it became extremely clear that he lost the weight only to prove me wrong.... God, Hosea...how bad do I come across here? Terrible, I know. All I can say-and it's not a defense-is that the physical matters to me. I love your mind and your amazing ability with words and abstract concepts, but when I make love to you, it's your body I embrace, your scent and sweat that cause me to swoon, your mouth that pleasures mine...all the attributes of a beautifully built man that Cavafy celebrates so well. I simply don't know what else to say.
This news upset me a lot. OK, partly I admit I get really irrational on the subject of divorce. It is a lot easier for me to cope with adultery than with divorce. I try to keep my opinions under control on this site because I know that a lot of people in the blogosphere have very different lives and experiences from me ... but you have probably already picked up on my general attitude. (After all, if divorce weren't a really big deal to me, what are the odds that I would still be with Wife?)
I also can't escape the feeling that D made this move with me in mind. If not ... well, what else has changed in her life in the last several years? Her husband has been fat and out of shape for years now; she has been unable to feel any attraction for him throughout all that time. And yet, through all those years she never asked him for a divorce. Now she does ... although she admits that the cost to her will be very high, because she claims to be a devout Catholic and divorce will mean that she is permanently denied the Eucharist. What has changed? What is the relevant variable in the equation? I see only one thing ... and that is her affair with me. So notwithstanding any protestations from her to the contrary, I can't help wondering if this move was sparked at some level by our meeting in a hotel room a week and a half ago for two nights of rapturous fucking.
Anyway, I panicked. Thursday morning, just before we all left for my parents' house, I sent her an e-mail asking basically, "What? Are you sure? And by the way, are you doing this on my account, because you think I'm going to leave Wife right away, or she's going to die or something?" Then we left, and I was out of touch for ... well, maybe about 30 hours more or less.
I came back to no fewer than three long e-mails, overflowing with anger and hurt and umbrage. Hadn't she already said that she knew I would never leave Wife? (Umm, yeah, she has said that ... but why else would she seek a divorce exactly now?) How could I possibly think that she saw marriage purely one-dimensionally? (I dunno ... isn't that more or less what she herself said above?) And what the hell do I know about Catholicism anyway, to allow me to question her commitment to it? (Not enough, I admit ... but the things she herself has told me make the stakes sound pretty high and is she sure this is really what she wants to do?)
What is it with me and emotionally high-maintenance women, anyway? Have I asked this before?
I don't know where this conversation is going to end up. As soon as we got back and I read her three, I wrote her an e-mail apologizing for hurting her; she replied that of course she loves me and forgives me so never mind about all that; and about an hour ago I finished one more e-mail to her explaining that I still don't understand her motivations. I have no idea what she is going to say or where this is going.
Never a dull moment, huh? Happy Thanksgiving.
The Century of the Other
17 hours ago
10 comments:
maybe you have a thing for emotionally dramatic women. lol
drama does tend to make things more exiting and thus more appealing.
happy thanksgiving
Hosea, maybe you have made her see that she can be desireable to another man. You might have something to do with it, in that, you have shown her that there are possibilities, not that she is leaving him for you.
KJ said it better than I. She may well hope that things work long-term for you two, but I suspect it's as much that making that leap with you crystallized for her just how much she's missing.
From my view, nothing you said/asked her in response was out of line. Showed, in fact, admirable restraint, considering the timing. The strength of her reply may belie her actual underlying hopes (even if she hasn't consciously acknowledged them), but as long as you are unequivocal about your stance, you cannot control hers.
A woman has a right to her own desires and tastes. There is much to be said for understanding, accepting and not settling. But my only response to this -- but when I make love to you, it's your body I embrace, your scent and sweat that cause me to swoon, your mouth that pleasures mine... -- is that you'd darn well better stay in shape. ;-)
Too many thoughts to post. I'm sure you can imagine the topic is a tad personal for me.
It seems rather cruel, no matter what her motives, to inform him on a holiday. And I think your suspicions about the timing related to your tryst are valid.
What a difficult situation for you. Does Wife know yet?
My suspicion is that her affair with you was eye-opening. I don't suspect she thinks she is leaving FOR you, more because of you. If she has a future with you, delightful, but if she doesn't, there is the hope of a man LIKE you, who will love her physically.
But I have to admit that the way she stated it, her decision does sound a bit shallow. It seems like an open marriage might be a better option than divorce?
U,mmmm, am going against the flow here....but Hosea, maybe this just isnt about you at all? Its about her, and how SHE feels....and yes her recent experiene with you may be part of it....but its certainly not the whole story! And your sad relationship with your wife is Your story....and how she is choosing to deal with stuff is HERS! Does that make sense? I just think you are being hard on her, without reason...
From where I sit, D's decision seems sudden. I'm as surprised as you are. Because of that, like you, I would have felt honor-bound to ask her the same question you did, even though I could tell, as I was reading your post, that it was going to be a Bad Idea.
So I feel your pain. And fortunately it really is her decision for her life. You have helped her see.
I agree with those that say it isn't necessarily about you as about what the experience of you made clear to her. Nonetheless, I don't think your questioning her was out of line. It also may mean awkwardness in your future. I know my current lover has fallen hard and would prefer us both to leave our spouses -- he's mainly good about it, but when he slips and says something it is always difficult and tense.
Honestly, from my armchair it is hard for me to believe that it is really about the weight. If it really was about the weight then her husband is right, she would have fucked him when he lost the 90 pounds. She says "my only answer is that he was still furious with me, and gained all the weight back very quickly. Even if we had wanted to work on the relationship-a partnership that had been gone for ten years and needed some long term repair- we never had the time. Second, it became extremely clear that he lost the weight only to prove me wrong." But that is just to say that it isn't about the weight at all. They have real substantive issues and the weight may be a symbol, but its hardly the most important thing.
This is not to say that she doesn't find his weight an obstacle to finding him sexually desirable. I suspect that is the least of the problems though.
It seems like D's actions are causal given that they follow on your so lovingly described encounter, but it may be more indirect than direct. I concur with the others who mentioned that she may have just realized that she was settling. Her encounter with you opened up possibilities; maybe not *with* you (though one can't help but think it's one of those possibilities) but definitely not limited to her husband.
It'll be interesting to see how she responds.
What do *you* think of the possibility? Or is it an IMpossibility?
Thank you, all, for your comments. I don't have a good answer yet to what really motivated D; our conversation on that subject has not gotten anywhere good, ... at any rate, not yet. On the other hand, just this afternoon, while I was composing a private e-mail to someone, I remembered something she said over the phone a while ago. (A week before Thanksgiving? Two weeks? I don't remember.)
"My marriage is just a show of a marriage. It's not a real marriage any more. You know, Hosea, if you were free I would leave my husband for you."
I'd forgotten that. But then, some days or weeks later, she tells her husband she wants to leave. And at the same time she tells me it's not about me.
Hmmm.
Jane -- Yes, I think I do have a thing for emotionally dramatic women.
KJ -- I wonder.
Veni -- Yes, I had better stay in shape. Maybe I should spend more time exercising and less time blogging. :-)
Kyra -- Wife does not know that D asked her husband for a divorce. I asked D when she was going to say something, and she sounded almost shocked. She said she had no intention of mentioning it, for fear that it might give the idea of divorce more legitimacy in Wife's mind, and after all she has already promised me she'll do nothing to interfere with my marriage. (That's what she said.) I replied, How can you not tell a friend something that big? Or when would you tell her ... after it is a fait accompli? That seemed to be her answer, and that she would try to downplay the news. Personally I can't imagine downplaying something that big, and I can't imagine hearing someone I thought was a good friend telling me "Oh by the way, I got a divorce last week," without any advance warning. So I don't really know about this ....
Coquette -- The irony is that D would never accept an open marriage where her husband was fucking another woman. Maybe that unwillingness is part of what drives her now? To be "fair"?
justme -- That would be the easiest explanation ... for me, at least. But I still find the timing suspicious.
Apollo -- I wish my sense of smell for Really Bad Ideas would kick in just a little sooner, sometimes. :-)
Chatelet -- I think you must be right, that there are a whole lot of other issues involved. I mention some of them in my comment to L's post here.
L -- I'm going with IMpossibility for now. (1) I have no intention of leaving Wife, and would initiate proceedings only in self-defense. (2) After reading your post on Revolution, and especially Coquette's comment on it, I think leaving Wife for D would be a Really Bad Idea that even I could smell coming ....
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