Some time ago, Wife let Boyfriend 4 (not 5) put her name on his checking account ... the thinking being that it would make it easier for her to act as his executrix if and when his cancer kills him.
But Boyfriend 4 is financially reckless, and ran up a bunch of bounced checks. So this evening we learned that the bank had initiated a transfer from our main checking account -- the one out of which I pay all the household bills -- to cover B4's overdrafts to the tune of $967 and change. Wife protested a dozen times that she had insisted with the bank manager when this was set up that she not be responsible for B4's debts, and that the bank manager had told her she wouldn't be. But there it is.
I talked with Boyfriend 4 on the phone, after I calmed down a bit. He intends to close his account Tuesday, thus (so he thinks) making it impossible for this to happen again. And he gets his monthly disability check on Wednesday, out of which he promises to send us the money to cover the damages. I sure hope so, because I have checks out there waiting to come in, and I would sure hate to bounce them because we paid for B4's bounced checks. Meanwhile Wife is going to go into the bank tomorrow to try to get the charge reversed. I may take the time off work to go in with her.
I told Wife that if she can't get the charges reversed, this money will come out of the savings that her aunt left her; then any reimbursement from B4 can go to paying her back directly. I also asked for some acknowledgement of personal responsibility for this catastrophe. Everything she said in response was hedged around with qualifiers that made it not her fault, until I finally told her that I wanted to hear her say, "I'm sorry for having the poor judgement to let this happen." Even then she said "I'm sorry I let this happen," until I asked again for the whole thing this time. She finally said it, but unwillingly. And I said a number of unpleasant and insulting things in the process of it all -- but really!!
Later, as I was cleaning up the kitchen, she came out to ask me quite formally if she could excuse herself to go to bed; and I said, "Why not?"
Not a lot of yelling, really, although I did raise my voice fairly intensely at the beginning when I first learned the news. But I quieted down after that, and Wife never raised her voice. Still, I would not call it one of our better evenings.
I hope your day and evening were better than that.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry about the incident. That is sure to get anyone fired up. I hope boyfriend is able to reconcile your loss. :/
That was surely a dumb move on her part.
That said (don't you hate it when people do that), the forced specifically apology reminds me a bit of what I do with my children in order to teach them when and how to apologize. Of course you had every right to be extremely pissed off. But is there anything to be gained from belittling her at this point in time? You aren't likely to teach her finally that her choices were the cause (you know, old dogs and all that).
There is also the possibility that she already knows and feels stupid, embarrassed and taken advantage of. She just doesn't want to admit it.
I'm not saying your position is wrong mind you. Not in the least. And you're approach that she cover the money personally is probably more lesson to her than anything and completely appropriate under the circumstances.
And all this is easier said than done. I've countless examples where I've done something similar.
Jane and Kyra -- Well, B4 made the loss good. (See my next post.) Thanks for your concern.
Kyra, of course you are right about the usefulness of my trying to teach Wife anything substantive at this point. Sometimes I feel like I just can't help trying. Of course, your comparison is altogether too apt. It certainly wouldn't be the first time that I treated Wife like a child ... she's commented on it plenty of times and of course she is right. But again, there are times that I catch myself only minutes (or hours or weeks or months) after I treat her that way by reflex. (sigh)
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