Harems

Over the course of my last couple of dates with D, we talked a few times about the idea of infidelity, meaning to each other. The topic came up in a number of ways.

On the one hand, when D is truly, rapturously, over-the-top orgasmic, she will often sigh, “Oh Hosea, that’s wonderful. You should have a whole harem of women!”

On the other hand, we were talking about anger one evening and she remarked as a matter of course that the only thing I could ever do to generate wild, unreasoning fury in her would be to cheat on her. Even breaking up with her wouldn’t be as bad.

Of course she has said things like this before. Once I even called her on it, reminding her that I am still married and that I cannot guarantee never again to fuck a woman to whom I am legally married. (In practical terms there is no way that I would fuck Wife these days: the emotional side of the relationship is too shattered, and she has allowed herself to get quite ugly. But the principle was the important thing to me right then.) When I reminded her of that conversation this time, she acknowledged that it made sense even though at an emotional level she couldn’t accept it. And she sighed while adding, “I guess what I don’t know can’t hurt me.” I think what this has to mean in practical terms is, “If you do fuck somebody else, don’t tell me about it. Or lie.”

And because I know she feels like this, I don’t take her remarks about harems too seriously. If I wanted to get all cold and analytical about it, I’d say that all she means by them is “That’s wonderful.” During our most recent date we were getting into the shower one morning and she said I should have a harem, and I suggested, “I don’t think you’d like that much in reality.”

D replied, “Only because of all my jealousy and possessiveness, But those are vices; we don’t want to encourage them. Besides,” she added, stepping into the shower next to me and sliding an arm around my waist, “it’s a very appealing fantasy.”

I have to admit that last part is true, and it works the other way too. When we first got together, D was a little embarrassed by her own glorious sexuality, and so she tried (a bit half-heartedly) to convince me that she was “inexperienced.” Never mind that for sheer implausibility this is like my claiming to be the King of Swaziland. The fact is also that I don’t want it to be true. You’ve read how often I compare her to Aphrodite, and it doesn’t take much familiarity with the Olympian gods to get a pretty good sense for the extent and variety in their sex lives. There is something inestimably titillating at the vision of her personal count running into the dozens. Or higher. I don’t suppose it really does (or at least it’s probably not as high as I wish I could imagine) ... but it’s an appealing fantasy.

Does that explain why I don't feel the way she does about fidelity to each other? I don’t mean on my part – it’s not like I have any competing offers at the moment, and I’m not particularly looking. But all along I have known that D gets really, really upset at the thought of my fucking someone else, and I don’t feel the same way about her. What’s the difference?

I think there are several factors at work.

At the lowest level is the prurient fantasy I just described. If she were fucking other men (and I don’t believe she is), the thought would have a kind of pornographic appeal for me. I’d want to know all about it – more than I had any right to know – and the whole business would be very exciting.

A second factor is that I have learned – from my long experience of Wife’s affairs – to cultivate a kind of resignation on the subject. I have learned to disassociate myself from any extra fucking that is going on, at least to the extent of telling myself it’s not about me. It’s not because I am a failure. What’s more, I have learned to tell myself that so long as I am getting all the sex I want, I have no cause to complain if the woman in my life is getting more somewhere else. I have learned to tell myself that it is like her taking a multivitamin, as a supplement to the food she eats.

A third factor is the simple realization that there is something a little precious about asking for fidelity from someone who has already proved herself unfaithful just by being with you in the first place. I know that I have argued elsewhere that such fidelity is possible, and I think it is. But it is a grace, or a gift. To ask for it, insist on it, demand it ... this is really going out on a limb. After all, each of you has already proven to the other that, under certain circumstances, you are willing to break oaths, break trust, lie and cheat. So the only way you can expect any better is to be certain that you are enough better than her (or his) old spouse. And isn’t there something just a little bit arrogant about that?

But I wonder whether there might be a fourth factor too, one that does not reflect at all well on me. I didn’t start by framing it to myself in these terms. But once the thought occurred to me, I did start to ponder whether it might be another, subterranean motive.

The idea is this: I know that sex is enormously important to D. Sex is how she defines and delimits her emotional world. I think this means that if she’s fucking some guy – and only him – then he runs the risk of being her world, or at any rate a very large part of it. Maybe that’s overstated: I know she also puts a lot of energy into her job and her church. But I think the concept is probably valid, even if it has to be scaled back a little bit in reality.

And I don’t want to be her world. I love D passionately, but she is exhausting. “High maintenance.” I realized during our last two dates that – as much as I adore her, and cherish our time together, and miss the excellent sex – I have to have some time away every so often, just for the peace and quiet and solitude. I remember times I was glad to know that Wife and Boyfriend 4 were busy fucking in the next room, because it meant that for a while Wife would be out of my hair. Sure, I’d like to come back to D after I’ve had a little quiet and not wait till the next time my company sends me to Faraway City. But I don’t want to be her whole world. It would be a huge burden, and I’m not that strong.

So is that part of it? I don’t know. Superficially, it doesn’t feel like it. All it feels like is that if she were to fuck someone else too, I wouldn’t get too upset because I’ve had so long to get all that out of my system with Wife. But it is hard for me to trust that the superficial picture is the only picture. And so I continue to wonder ....