Drama from Hosea, letter from Wife

Nobody ever said I was easy to live with. But we had a spot of drama last night, and this afternoon while I was at work Wife wrote me the most eloquent e-mail. I have no idea yet what I'm going to say back to her. But you've all heard me gripe and whine about her for years on end, so I thought it was only fair to let her speak for herself this once.

The background: I blew up at something trivial and said some things that were badly chosen ... false and hurtful. Wife asked me for an apology while I was still seething, and I was very grudging about it. She talked to Son 2 about it, and he consoled her. "No, Mom, of course it feels rotten to have to ask for an apology. Of course he should have just offered it. No, I know that what he said to you doesn't count as an apology. Of course." I came out into the dining room and tried to tell Son 2 that he shouldn't assume he knows what is going on with us. I wanted to say, "Your mother may treat you as her confidant, but I don't -- so you will never hear my complaints about her. Doesn't mean I don't have them. But it does mean that you are getting a one-sided picture of what a beast I am." But I couldn't spit the words out. They would have been self-contradictory, after all ... a complaint precisely when I said that I won't complain about her to him. And it wasn't just that. Somehow I really could not make myself say the words.

Anyway, I felt awkward and humiliated all evening. I made dinner but had trouble engaging in conversation. After dinner, once Son 2 had gone to bed, I apologized for my outburst far more deeply; I had cooled down by then and felt really terrible. Not long thereafter I was piddling around in the kitchen after I thought Wife too had gone to bed, but then Wife came out to get a glass of water and I was startled. ("Jumped out of my skin" is probably more accurate ... I do that when my mind is wandering elsewhere.) Wife was concerned that she had scared me and asked if I was OK, but all I wanted her to do was to go back to bed and leave me alone. This on top of the shame and humiliation I already felt was just not making me very good company. It also meant I really didn't feel like sleeping in our bed, though somewhere about 3:00 in the morning I crawled in just for comfort. But my mind really wanted to be elsewhere.

Anyway, this afternoon at work I got the following e-mail from Wife:

Hosea,

I've been thinking all day about what happened last night and I want to make sure I understand and that we're ok.

The whole mess that started it is over. Forgiven, forgotten. It's not that.

I certainly didn't mean to startle you as I so obviously did. I don't know what I should have done differently. Your reaction was so volatile that I could tell I had REALLY upset you, and that wasn't my intention at all. You really wouldn't talk to me after; all I could get out of you was that it was ok, but since you were huddled in a fetal ball in a dark room facing away from me at the time, I have a hard time believing that it was ok. But I didn't know what to do besides go back to bed. In the past, I've tried to comfort you in situations where I could tell you were upset, and you seemed to just want me to go away; I never was much of a source of comfort, I guess. FWIW, I've tried. I hope going away was the right thing to do last night. Please forgive me for startling you. It wasn't intentional.

I couldn't help but notice that after that, you didn't come to bed with me. I woke up at 1:30 to pee and you still weren't in bed. I went looking for you; sometimes you work REALLY late in the study. But you weren't there. I finally heard you snoring in the living room. I went out there and couldn't see where you were, but I could hear you. I didn't know if you had just fallen asleep on the sofa where you sat down to rest until I had gone to sleep, or if you were intentionally sleeping away from me because you were still that angry with me. Again, I thought of approaching you to try to get you to come to bed, and decided against it. I figured that if you wanted to come to bed, you would, and if you didn't want to, you'd just be angry that I woke you up. So I went back to bed. But I hate to think you were avoiding me that thoroughly. No, I'm not trying to second-guess what you were thinking when you stayed out there, but I'd really like to know, and if I caused it, I'd like to know what I could've done differently to prevent it.

Then, early this morning, I woke up to go to the bathroom. When I came back to bed you were in our bed still asleep, facing the window. I snuggled over closer to you, put one hand on your hip and my head against your back. I wanted to tell you everything was ok by my lights and how much I love you. I wanted to comfort you, and I wanted you to do something like pat my hand to say that you were there with me and still loved me, too. But you pushed my hand away and pulled your body closer to the edge of the bed, away from me. So I moved myself back to "my space" in the bed and let you sleep comfortably away from me. You've reacted to me that way before when I was just trying to be affectionate, but a couple of times you've let me cuddle a bit. I was just trying to show you affection, hoping I could settle emotionally something I really couldn't settle by discussion earlier. But I was wrong. That made me very sad. I felt very rejected. Maybe you were just asleep, and as youi've told me before, you can't be held responsible for what you do in your sleep. I'll buy that. Or maybe you were conscious of what you were doing and were trying to make a point. Again, I don't know and I can't second-guess you.

But for the record, I thought we had been making good progress together, then last night really shook me. I've been working with Counselor. I've been role-playing with him, trying to get my discussions right and learn how to keep things from escalating. And obviously, I haven't got it yet. I'll keep working on it, but Hosea, if we're going to continue to share even just a house, much less a family, I need your help, too. You've been so nice to me lately, even for the last six months, that I've enjoyed home and family life a lot. I don't want to end that. Yet apparently I did a lot more wrong last night than forget to ask you before I had Son 2 re-feed the cats and talk to him about the issue of apologizing. I thought we had it settled and over by dinner, even if we were both still a bit edgy. Dinner was normal.

But even this morning wasn't. Usually these days you at least say goodbye to me and tell me to have a nice day; a few times you've even kissed me goodbye. This morning you didn't say a thing -- just left. I was awake, and I think you knew it. Anyway, you know that I'm generally up by that time and you could've talked to me. I felt bad again when you left without saying anything because it seemed like you must still be mad at me.

At this point, I don't know how you feel about me or what you want of me. I want you to know that I love you very much, and I'm trying very hard to make this a comfortable, safe place for all of us to live; even if I'm failing too much of the time, I'm doing my best. When that isn't good enough, I get very depressed again because things seem hopeless, and then it's easier for me to revert to old habits.

I thought it would be better to write this to you than to try to talk to you. We have so little "us" time. Things get too dramatic just when we need to be feeding everybody if I need to talk to you about something as soon as you get home. But I've been totally miserable today, and I'm at a loss as to what to do. If you don't respond to this, all I can do is talk to Counselor tomorrow and get his take on it, which, as you can point out, will be based on MY narrative and won't include your side of the story. I can't help that. That's where it would be very helpful if you were still in the sessions with me, but I can't make you come and you've been very clear that you're unwilling to, that you won't work on making us a couple anymore.

You said you wanted me to change, Hosea. I'm trying, and to some extent at least, I'm succeeding in doing that. At least that's what Counselor says. You said two years ago that whether you stayed in the session or not depended on whether I wanted to change. Well, I've made the decision to do that. Will that ever be good enough? Will you ever acknowledge that not ALL our problems are the result of my bad qualities that need to be changed? That I'm not all bad? Or am I wasting my time and making you miserable?

I love you. I hope/wish yesterday/this morning could be put behind us.

Wife.