The last couple of nights, Wife hasn't eaten dinner with Son 2 and me. She has said she is too tired, and has gone straight to bed. Or rather, she has said she's too tired and then she sits and stares at the wall, or picks up her phone to text on it ... and Son 2 has taken her firmly by the wrist and made her go to bed. Two nights ago he gave her firm instructions to nap all of yesterday: to cancel her appointments, turn off her phone, and sleep. She didn't do it, so last night he talked to her about it again, pretty sternly.
I assume he learned this style, this technique for handling her, from me. And when I describe it this way, it sounds a little heartless. In fact there is a tender side to it as well. He has clearly decided that it is his job to look after Wife. In a sense, I think he decided that back when he was three, and he has been trying to carry out the responsibility ever since. So he sits and talks patiently with her for hours about whatever interests her; but also, more and more, he tells her what to do or how to manage her time.
As Wife was falling asleep Thursday night and becoming progressively less coherent, she called out from the bedroom to go get the sour cream out of the refrigerator. (She had assembled many of the ingredients for dinner, you see, but just not cooked anything.) I told her rather sharply just to go to sleep: if she wasn't going to be out here cooking, she shouldn't try to manage how we fed ourselves. Son 2 took me rather sharply to task for this, telling me that Wife had just been trying to help and I ought to be kinder to her.
I thought about this for a couple of minutes before answering, and then said, "Of course you are right. It's always better to be kind. But sometimes it is just very hard to do."
"No it isn't. You just do it."
"Maybe you do. And I hope that you always find that you can do the right thing just by knowing it is the right thing. All I can say is that when Mom and I had been together only thirteen years [Son 2 is thirteen], I was still able to be kind. But over the years it has just become harder."
"Well, maybe it's different because you have known her a lot longer than I have even been alive. But I still think you could be kind if you would just try."
The conversation took a little longer than that, but that was the essence of it. And of course he was right. I was acting wrongly to get so peevish with Wife. After a while we started talking about other things. Before we left the topic completely, though, I did clear up one misconception. Son 2 had told Wife, as part of urging her to go to bed, that she was "working herself to death" and just needed sleep. I pointed out to him afterwards that if indeed she was pushing herself too hard, it would have to be more accurately characterized as "socializing herself to death" because most of her activity during the day -- when there is any at all -- is social: talking to Kitten on the phone for hours, seeing Boyfriends 6 and 7, flirting with her other pals on OKCupid. I didn't spell out a lot of detail for him, but he knows she has all these friends.
So last night it was the same story, only she hadn't even gotten out the ingredients for dinner. And again Son 2 sent Wife to bed. He must have said something to her that I didn't hear, because from the other room I heard her object, "I'm not socializing myself to death. I just had to go meet ... [mumble] ... because we go walking together." He hectored her about the importance of getting enough rest, and then came out to eat dinner with me.
Over dinner Son 2 was shaking his head and muttering, "Christ, woman. You don't just have to go walking. You could cancel that. If you 'just go walking' with three different people then of course you won't have time for a nap. But then you are dead later. Why do you do that?" I told him that I couldn't answer Why? But I could tell him that the total inability to plan ahead ... that is, the seeming inability to tell that if she chooses to do this the consequences will be that ... has been true for a long, long time. I don't know if it was always there, but I have seen it so many times by now I can't count them. Son 2 just shook his head.
I also couldn't help noticing that he said "three different people." Now, did she say that? Maybe, although I thought that Al was the only one she went walking with. Maybe she told Son 2 she went walking with the others as well, because she needs the exercise, even though in reality when talking about Boyfriends 6 and 7 she should spell "walking" with an initial F - U. Or maybe Al was the only one she mentioned and he just knows a lot more than he says about the other two.
I suppose that's fair. I don't say everything I know about them either. But it does leave me wondering.
I assume he learned this style, this technique for handling her, from me. And when I describe it this way, it sounds a little heartless. In fact there is a tender side to it as well. He has clearly decided that it is his job to look after Wife. In a sense, I think he decided that back when he was three, and he has been trying to carry out the responsibility ever since. So he sits and talks patiently with her for hours about whatever interests her; but also, more and more, he tells her what to do or how to manage her time.
As Wife was falling asleep Thursday night and becoming progressively less coherent, she called out from the bedroom to go get the sour cream out of the refrigerator. (She had assembled many of the ingredients for dinner, you see, but just not cooked anything.) I told her rather sharply just to go to sleep: if she wasn't going to be out here cooking, she shouldn't try to manage how we fed ourselves. Son 2 took me rather sharply to task for this, telling me that Wife had just been trying to help and I ought to be kinder to her.
I thought about this for a couple of minutes before answering, and then said, "Of course you are right. It's always better to be kind. But sometimes it is just very hard to do."
"No it isn't. You just do it."
"Maybe you do. And I hope that you always find that you can do the right thing just by knowing it is the right thing. All I can say is that when Mom and I had been together only thirteen years [Son 2 is thirteen], I was still able to be kind. But over the years it has just become harder."
"Well, maybe it's different because you have known her a lot longer than I have even been alive. But I still think you could be kind if you would just try."
The conversation took a little longer than that, but that was the essence of it. And of course he was right. I was acting wrongly to get so peevish with Wife. After a while we started talking about other things. Before we left the topic completely, though, I did clear up one misconception. Son 2 had told Wife, as part of urging her to go to bed, that she was "working herself to death" and just needed sleep. I pointed out to him afterwards that if indeed she was pushing herself too hard, it would have to be more accurately characterized as "socializing herself to death" because most of her activity during the day -- when there is any at all -- is social: talking to Kitten on the phone for hours, seeing Boyfriends 6 and 7, flirting with her other pals on OKCupid. I didn't spell out a lot of detail for him, but he knows she has all these friends.
So last night it was the same story, only she hadn't even gotten out the ingredients for dinner. And again Son 2 sent Wife to bed. He must have said something to her that I didn't hear, because from the other room I heard her object, "I'm not socializing myself to death. I just had to go meet ... [mumble] ... because we go walking together." He hectored her about the importance of getting enough rest, and then came out to eat dinner with me.
Over dinner Son 2 was shaking his head and muttering, "Christ, woman. You don't just have to go walking. You could cancel that. If you 'just go walking' with three different people then of course you won't have time for a nap. But then you are dead later. Why do you do that?" I told him that I couldn't answer Why? But I could tell him that the total inability to plan ahead ... that is, the seeming inability to tell that if she chooses to do this the consequences will be that ... has been true for a long, long time. I don't know if it was always there, but I have seen it so many times by now I can't count them. Son 2 just shook his head.
I also couldn't help noticing that he said "three different people." Now, did she say that? Maybe, although I thought that Al was the only one she went walking with. Maybe she told Son 2 she went walking with the others as well, because she needs the exercise, even though in reality when talking about Boyfriends 6 and 7 she should spell "walking" with an initial F - U. Or maybe Al was the only one she mentioned and he just knows a lot more than he says about the other two.
I suppose that's fair. I don't say everything I know about them either. But it does leave me wondering.
No comments:
Post a Comment