Marie's insecurities and Hosea in bed, part 2

Here is the reply I wrote to this letter of Marie's:

My love, my sweet, my very earthy Nereid,

Gosh, those are very interesting questions! And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Part of me wants to think about them for some time before I reply; but another part of me thinks it's important to get an answer in the mail right away. So let me see what I can do off the cuff ... then maybe I'll think of something better later and supersede everything I write tonight.

At a high level of abstraction, all of your questions have the same first answer, namely, that your observations are detailed and exact (as usual) but you go astray when you speculate that they are your fault or about you.

More concretely:

I think there are at least two issues that contribute to my sexual responses that you describe so carefully. One is age: my libido is a lot weaker than it used to be. I used to get hard a lot more easily and a lot more often than I do now; and even when I do get aroused today, "hard" is a lot softer than it used to be. Also I'm taking finasteride to try to halt a formerly steady progression that made peeing ever slower for me, and what I read on the Internet says that it suppresses libido. So already — whether it's age or medicine behind it — this is a bit of an uphill battle.

This means that my very first (smart-assed, irreverent) thought when you wrote, ...

I would like to believe that I could, like you, arouse my lover in minutes by my touch and words. That I, like you, could bring my lover to orgasm with my hands and mouth and (most of all) mind.

... was, "Maybe you better get somebody younger on the side" — not instead, mind you!! — "to practice on." 😊

The second issue is that over the years I have spent a lot more attention on studying female sexual response than on my own. My lovers in the past have done to me whatever worked for them before with other men, and I guess I've never had complaints, but that's never where my mind has been. My reaction with all of them has been, in essence, "If you enjoy doing this, that's fine and it gives me a chance to rest for a few minutes; but then let's get back to the important stuff" ... namely her. You may remember that when we first started talking about sex, I said that in my mind the woman's enjoyment is the Main Event. (It's certainly the noisiest. 😊) And the most reliable trigger I know to arouse me is the arousal of the woman I'm with. When I masturbate, I always have to picture myself with a woman who is already farther down that road than I am.

Is this an immutable, permanent fact? Hell, I don't know. But as a biographical datum, it so happens that I have not yet learned anything that works better for me. That might be just because I haven't researched the question systematically, but it is as much as I know today. And of course this is why it is so important to me to get you going and keep you going: that's what triggers me.

Maybe it will turn out that a ripe persimmon on the back of my knee (or whatever) works even better, but if so I don't know it yet.

As for sleeping....

Again, your observations are spot on. But it's nothing to do with you.

There are times that I become very aware of my skin — for example, when I am getting quiet to go to sleep, so I'm not distracted by other things. And when that happens, I often don't want to feel anything against it. My mother says that when I was in the crib I always used to pull off my socks, and then my feet would get cold. And you have surely noticed that I often untuck covers at the foot of the bed so that I can stick my feet out into the open air.

It all depends, of course. If we are having sex and I'm hard, I'm very aware of the surface of my penis but I also very much want to feel something against it ... preferably your warm and wet insides, my love. 😍 And if it's a cold night I surely want a warm blanket. During the day I don't mind wearing clothes because I'm busy and not paying attention. But in any event this impulse to free my skin from whatever's on it is one among others, and I am more likely to be aware of it as other distractions fade away.

Cuddling is delightful, of course. But for whatever reason, my skin is more likely to interpret it as "cuddling" if I'm on the outside; and more likely to think "What's wrapped all around me?" if I'm on the inside. I don't claim this is logical.

This is my rapid first pass at an answer. I have not re read your letter to see if I addressed everything, because I want to reply promptly. Doubtless there are things I missed or could explain better, and maybe in the next few days I will think of something important that escaped me tonight. But please consider it a first installment. And please understand that none of it is about you.

You know what is really fascinating to me? All of the behaviors you describe have been in place for years. But you are the first lover who has asked about them. Wife, D, Debbie ... none of them ever said a word. Were they not paying attention as closely as you? Or did they choose not to speak up? I could try to guess but really I don't know the answer. But it's interesting....

God but I love being with a woman who is both alert and forthright!


Now and ever, my dearest, unto ages of ages,
Your Hosea