Marie's insecurities and Hosea in bed, part 3

Here are selections from Marie's reply back to this letter of mine:

Good morning, my dear one!  Thank you for this response! 

Thanks first of all for answering so promptly; yes, your instinct that I would prefer you to answer SOON rather than to wait and think so you could answer with full consideration was correct.  I very much appreciated having this to read when I woke up.

A lot of what you said about your sexual response you've said before, but not together in one place.  So I hadn't applied it fully to the observations I was making that had me feeling insecure.  There was one thing new, however.  You'd told me before that for you the woman's enjoyment is the Main Event; but this time you added the detail, "When I masturbate, I always have to picture myself with a woman who is already farther down that road than I am."

THAT is an extremely reassuring data point, from my perspective.  Because it suggests that one way to look at this issue is, not that I have some unfortunate deficiency in my knowledge of how to arouse a man (you) by my touch, but that the pair of us have delightfully coincident mutual perversions.  Since when I masturbate, I always have to picture a man (or men) doing things to a woman to arouse her (usually against her will or better judgment, sometimes without her initially being aware of his manipulations).  And in my masturbatory fantasies, they might end by fucking, but they might not--sometimes he brings her to orgasm repeatedly without entering her, usually as part of a nefarious scheme to manipulate her feelings....    

So my standard sexual fantasy involves a man/men focusing intensely on a woman's pleasure.  He acts, she reacts.  That's my perversion.

But maybe there's nothing wrong with that if that's your perversion too....

So maybe I can relax about that issue and not worry that I'm being selfish or an inadequate lover to you when I let you put my pleasure first.

We can talk about this more, but I already feel much more comfortable about the issue.

The other: we've also talked about your itchy skin (and not just your back) before, but this is more comprehensive.  It's good to know my observations are accurate, and very good to learn that these reactions pre-date me and are therefore independent of me.

Yes, that's what I thought you felt about cuddling.  That if you're on the outside, it's cuddling; if you're on the inside, it can feel like being trapped or something.  Which, as long as that's not a referendum on me, is mostly fine.  Since I like either position; I'm entirely happy to be on the inside.

Mostly fine... the only time I can see it being a problem is, that makes it harder for me to initiate cuddling.  If you're awake, of course, I can simply ask.  Verbally, or by bumping up against you suggestively.  

If you're asleep... sigh.  I can bump up against you, but I guess my instincts were right; if you don't respond by turning and cuddling me, I'm better off not trying to get grabby in hopes you'll respond in kind.  However, I will remember that that's not a personal rejection:  "Socks!"  will be my watchword in such circumstances, in future.  And I won't cheat myself out of hours of enjoying your warmth and smell, unless the urge to write really is that overwhelming.... (Which, of course, it sometimes is.  Some needs take precedence.)

God I'm glad I brought these things up.

Huh.  I just thought of something else.  I think I've told you this before:  I grew up sleeping with my sister, and [my home state] is cold a lot more of the year than it's hot.  So I grew up casually cuddling; if there's a body next to me, and I'm at all cold, I automatically roll over and grab onto it.  Or she would.  And when one first gets into bed the sheets are cold, so we'd normally start off in each other's arms.  

Only time we wouldn't, is hot nights in summer when each of us was instead skirting the edge of the bed to stay as far away from the other's body heat as possible.

Unless, of course, we'd had a fight.  Then we'd lie rigidly next to each other, not touching.  Cold with anger.

So for me, cuddling is the default if I'm in bed with someone, unless it's hot out, or there's something wrong.

Whereas, of course, as a child you grew up sleeping alone.  Didn't develop the same reflexes....   

Your last observation, that you've engaged in these behaviors/reactions for years and your other lovers haven't commented.... Huh.  Well, we'd been physically involved for 21 months before I did.  So that leaves Debbie out.  And of course, re sex, none of them had my reasons to worry about possibly cheating you of your due pleasure through simple ignorance.

And then, you sort of invited me to.  When you wrote [about an earlier topic], "If you get to the point that you can forget about it for a while, that will mean you feel secure. And that will be progress."

That made me realize, right, I don't feel fully secure.  So I started to explore why, and came up with these two related issued that had been niggling at me.  

Okay, my love, something to think about:  would you like it if our next vacation were to a nudist colony?  If you don't like feeling things on your skin, you might actively like having NOTHING on.....  I understand most of the beaches of Europe are clothing-optional--what a great excuse to visit the Riviera!  Haven't been to a nude beach in decades; clearly I'm overdue!


Loving you always,
Your Marie