I remarked yesterday that I've been reminded of death seemingly a lot in the last six weeks or so. So I put some of those thoughts in an email to Marie, who wrote me back today. Here are a few excerpts from what she said.
Hey, sweetness.
Some conversations work better when we can hold each other for comfort.
But I noticed in myself, last visit, a reluctance to "spoil" our short time together by having a depressing conversation.
So I mentioned that you seemed to have developed sleep apnea since my last visit, but I didn't mention how it worried me. Particularly in conjunction with other changes I noticed. Did you talk to your doctor? And is he knowledgeable about that condition? Because sleep apnea can lead to metabolic syndrome and heart problems, and you're already at fairly high risk for that. It worries me, how tired you've been. Might be just depression, which would be bad enough; but it might be something worse.
I am frankly more frightened that you might suffer a heart attack, my beloved, than I am that you'll freeze to death next winter. Or even fall again and injure yourself badly, though I was terrified for you when that happened.
Other changes--your tiredness, I've mentioned. Your weight increase. Your e.d.--you had no trouble satisfying me, God knows, so I had no complaints there, but knowing you're otherwise at risk makes it seem a sinister sign.
Even how we ate and drank, down there; we were sort of en fete every day, and I didn't know how much that represented a departure from how you have been feeding yourself. I know that the loneliness and stress of the pandemic led me to comfort myself with food, as is my wont. And so I have gained back 12 pounds of the 46 I had lost. But even so, it was noticeable to me that we were eating more rich food, and fewer vegetables and fruits, than I do on my own. I didn't know how much of that reflected the holidays, and wanting to treat me, and eating up the cheeses and wines you had been given for Christmas, and how much it reflected your normal diet. The DASH heart-healthy diet recommended by the Mayo Clinic and Harvard Health, for example, recommends 4-5 servings daily of vegetables, and as many of fruit. I usually easily make that for veggies, and barely make that for fruit. Of course it's much harder to eat fresh if one only goes shopping every two weeks, so the pandemic has hurt that as well.
Back to your letter proper.
Regarding the other deaths you spoke of... yeah, it's weird to reflect that we're at an age where we have to start expecting people in our cohort to die. Already it's an exception for my peers to have both parents; I think I have only one friend my age who does. And those who do still have parents, those parents are fragile. I guess I personally see that most with Schmidt's mom, since I have known her for forty years now, but seen her only sporadically in that time.
And I've noticed for a while now the decreased resilience of my own body; so have you....
But yeah, it's sobering and frightening to reflect that people our age are starting to die of ordinary diseases, not just of extraordinary circumstances. As well as saddening, when it's someone we like and value, like Fillette.
I do love Son 1's comment; how nice he acknowledges that if you died right now, you'd leave an intellectual legacy to be managed, even if he firmly declines to be the one to manage it! And yeah, I would, but I would much rather talk to you about your writing, than arrange to publish it as a posthumous tribute.
So take care of yourself, my dearest. Eh?
Loving you always,
Marie
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