This past weekend was a busy one. There was a lot I wanted to do that I never touched. Yet somehow there was a lot going on anyway.
Saturday, maybe about noon, I had a long conversation with Wife. I hope it may have been some help in the long run, although it had elements which could have derailed it at any moment into one of our boilerplate fights. It started when I asked her whether she was trying to make a point about her independence from the rest of us by still not having put away (as of Saturday morning) any of the laundry she had done the Wednesday before. She replied with excuses and justifications and counter-attacks (because she thought I was attacking her), but this time I really tried to hang in there. I pointed out that the justifications were red herrings, the excuses made no sense, and the counter-attack wasn't needed because I hadn't been attacking in the first place ... I really was trying to understand what mental space she had slid into.
Next, Wife talked a lot about what she sees as the drudgery of repetition and all her bad associations with housework. (I have mentioned that she grew up quite poor; and for some years she helped her mother clean house for snotty little old ladies.) To the latter, I acknowledged 100% that the circumstances under which she had made those associations were rotten; but I said it's not the housework's fault. The thing to be angry at is the circumstance, or the snotty little old ladies, or whatever ... but not the housework itself, which was innocent in all this. To the former, about the drudgery of repetition, I answered "Souls innocent and quiet take / That for an hermitage." And then I started talking about what I have been reading in Kathleen Norris, all about acedia and how the Noonday Demon makes monks hate repetitive tasks (which is to say, all of monastic life), but how he can be exorcised by plowing into those tasks with a will. I talked some more about how acedia seems to be depression plus some mental or spiritual component -- and added that if a purely medical (or pharmacological) approach was going to work for Wife it would have worked by now, so it is conclusively proven that what ails her is not purely a pharmacological problem but must have some non-physical components as well -- and then I read her the first two chapters aloud. I wasn't sure how she would take it ... her flirtation with Christianity is long since past, and her assessment of it has gotten cruder and blacker over the years ... but what she said was remarkable. It must have been every other page -- no less often than that, maybe more often -- that she said, "Yup, I know that," or "That's how it is for me too," or at one point, "That's my whole life."
As we talked some more after that, she essayed some of her usual moves about "You don't like me and therefore you should just leave me," and I told her that it was impossible for me to leave her, and besides that it was unnecessary. Yes, I dislike this and that thing that she does; but the reason I tell her about them, or tax her with them, is that I believe she is capable of being better than that and I want to call the slip-ups to her attention. What is more, I told her that I think she can be way happier than she is today -- although not overnight, to be sure -- and that addressing the very same behaviors is likely to help that part too.
I wrote all this to D, and then added:
Sweetheart, I worry a little bit about discussing Wife in this way with you, because I worry it will awaken your insecurity. Please understand and remember that none of this has anything to do with you. I want Wife to learn to be happier for her own sake; I want her to learn to be more pleasant and grateful to the people around her for both her sake and theirs ... ours. It is only kind and decent to want these things. What happens afterwards, specifically on the marital side of things ... that's another question, and I can't foretell the future. But I do know that my love for you is not dependent on some kind of corresponding distaste for Wife ; that this is not a zero-sum game. I have confidence, therefore, that we can make it work out somehow.
D replied in the wee hours of the next morning, as follows:
Your conversation with Wife sounded wonderful, and meaningful for you both. Of course her problem with depression and acedia has a spiritual dimension. That doesn't mean that her mental disability isn't frightening and very difficult for her and the family. As an article I sent you makes clear, serious depression and madness is impossibly difficult to treat and to endure.... Wife's depression takes a different form, but the distortions and sadness are very real and troubling. I hope your encouraging affirmation and continual presence and support can cause her to work towards happier daily routines and the possibility of genuine fulfillment. Your idealism and love shine forth; she is very fortunate to have your support and wisdom....
You ask if your focus on Wife makes me feel insecure, and the honest answer is yes. That doesn't mean you should stop talking about your relationship or your lovingkindness (hesed) towards her. I am well aware of your devotion and love for her, and I'm clear about my own position. My "demons" have nothing to do with depression or acedia, but rather a lingering sense of unworthiness on the deepest level. But those are my issues; you cannot shield me from having to face them by refusing to talk about Wife. My demons of insecurity cause me to embrace a level of work so extreme and unrealistic as to risk damaging my integrity and my students' well-being. My doubts and sadness also stem from the practical problem of living alone and missing the company of my friends and family. And most important, creating a person worthy of love and capable of the deepest love is challenging and very much my task.
You somehow want to separate out the marital section of your relationship with Wife from the rest, but of course, that won't work at all. Sex, while it has its own intensity and dynamic, is never far from any genuine conversation and meaningful experience. You are quite right to insist that your relationship with Wife does not invalidate what we share, and to insist on a "zero-sum game" is to mis-understand the very nature of love itself. You will either love me for myself and for what we are together, or you will not. Your relationship with your wife, or your children, or anyone else does not enter into the equation.
That doesn't mean that the relationship is simply one additional intimate union; in fact, it is quite different. I was freshly reminded of that when you told Wife it was impossible to leave her. It is not impossible to leave me. There is no hold outside the love we share, and I can foresee circumstances where love itself would set the other free. Furthermore, we live on borrowed time, and there is no promise outside the love we share today, your presence now. To be a "girlfriend" or mistress, is to understand this without flinching or whining.... There's freedom, but also the possibility of failure and loss. But when I think of our warmth together, the way we read each other in the smallest details and the possibility, always, of splitting a thought and smiling...I would not have it different.
My reply to this letter was maybe a bit too brief. Among other things, I said, ...
You are absolutely right to see that I love you entirely for who you are and for what we have together, not because external commitments make it convenient. That sounds like a limitation, but the other way to look at it is to see how madly I do in fact love you, and to realize that you owe it all to yourself alone, not to some kind of external arrangements or social convention. Then you go on to say that it is possible for us to leave each other because "there is no hold outside the love we share." Well, strictly speaking I suppose this is true, but I have to add a comment: it may be possible that we leave each other at some point, but for me at least it is barely imaginable; from where I sit it feels like "there is no hold outside the love we share" is a bit like saying "there's really nothing at all holding you down from floating off the Earth into interstellar space except for gravity." (smile) And you know, I don't feel insecure about the risk that tomorrow gravity is going to be all gone ....
One day I will learn better than to make jokes like that. Not that gravity shut off yesterday -- no, nothing of the kind. But when I wrote what I wrote, I had no idea what things were already going through D's head ....
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4 comments:
As often is the case I cannot help but put myself in your Wife's shoes in this situation. I'm sure our differences are vast, but our distaste for housework is so similar. Mine is probably born of the opposite: I never had to do much of it growing up. My mother did and, later, the maid who came weekly. I became to feel that it is a thing I was raised to be able to avoid. My own income is enough to afford me the same ability to avoid it. And yet, with a non-working spouse I take an unreasonable position that he should do it.
It reminds me of something I believe D once said to you, about making the choice for yourself. You cannot change another, only make choices for yourself to live the way you wish. I think there is truth in that.
And so no doubt my husband would likely have the same argument about my seeming inability to conquer tasks of housework. I would be incredibly insulted for it to be pointed out to me and in the form of a lecture no less (sorry, that's the way it appears.)
Again, our differences are vast. I think it is fortunate she did not have the reaction I would have had.
Okay, off to try to conquer the housework. Yes, your lecture did serve that purpose :)
Unlike Kyra, I do not often put myself into Wife's shoes when I read you. In this instance though, I do. It's much more than having a personal history in your childhood that might affect one's feelings about it-- (i do, but a different one, and I don't want to go off on a tangent)-- it's that the nature of fulltime housework and childcare is stifling and inadequate for many. This is not to say that the tasks aren't important and to some extent loved-- but for many of us, it is not the way to live a complete life.
Some women excel at it and find joy in that path to the exclusion of any other; others are competent-- even ferociously good at it--but don't *love* it, and some fortunate others just handle it while also having a demanding job.
The vast majority of us--whether we're good or bad at it, resent it or don't-- would all admit that it involves repetition and drudgery. Betty Friedan pointed this out long ago in the Feminine Mystique, the chapter called "work expands to fill the time available".
I also want to point out that depression can render someone incapable of performing the smallest tasks-- like putting the folded laundry away after washing it. This is virtually impossible for someone to understand unless she's suffered from clinical depression, but the ordinary tasks of life can become impossible.
I think Kyra is extremely wise in saying this:
It reminds me of something I believe D once said to you, about making the choice for yourself. You cannot change another, only make choices for yourself to live the way you wish. I think there is truth in that.
If Wife is unable or unwilling to change your living conditions, or maintain them (as the massive cleanup seems to show), and if you are unhappy with that, then you have to have a cleaning service. I know it's expensive, but you would be easing a huge strain on your marriage and vastly improving your daily life. If you had someone in for just two hours every other week, this would make W feel less overwhelmed and you much happier. Plus you'd have a cleaner house.
BTW: and added that if a purely medical (or pharmacological) approach was going to work for Wife it would have worked by now, so it is conclusively proven that what ails her is not purely a pharmacological problem but must have some non-physical components as well
I have to object here, as someone who had a partner who struggled with depression and various med combos for *years* before finding the right one- the only thing that's been proven is that the med combos she's so far been given haven't worked, not that no meds ever will. Neurochemistry is a highly individual science and depression is not well understood-- neither is the brain-- it's not like just handing over penicillin to cure an infection. The antidepressant that works on you, when you have identical symptoms to me, might make me even more depressed. And the drug that makes you improve a bit at ten milligrams might make you suicidal at 15 milligrams, and not work at all on me even at 20 mgs.
Sorry it has taken me a while to reply to these comments. First I couldn't decide if I had enough to say that I should write a full post (I still may), and then time kind of got away from me.
I should also add, lest there be any doubt, that comments like these are the very best kind because they force me to think about what I am saying.
Kyra -- Oh dear, if that is how you read my post then I feel terrible. I am actually kind of baffled that you see yourself in Wife's shoes in this situation. With respect to the household division of labor, I would naturally have assumed that your role is the same as mine (the spouse who works outside the home and brings in money) whereas Wife's role is much more like PH's (the spouse who does not work outside the home and who therefore has more unstructured time in which s/he could do this chore or that errand.)
Sure, there are differences: to my knowledge, PH does not share any of Wife's illnesses, for example. But by the same token, I can't see that you share anything in common with Wife besides being female. And to the extent that I am "lecturing" Wife about getting more housework done, I think my frame of mind is exactly the same as the one you express here about PH: "And yet, with a non-working spouse I take an unreasonable position that he should do it." (Incidentally, I think your position is completely reasonable. Why shouldn't he contribute his share?)
I have more to say about the whole issue of housework generally -- for example, to explain why I am quoting Richard Lovelace right there -- but the rest of it probably should go into a post of its own. I need to think about it a bit so that it makes sense, and there are likely to be other people with opinions on the subject. :-)
O -- When I do get around to writing a post about housework, it will be at least in part to address the concepts of repetition and drudgery. For the moment, all I will say is that I have never in 47 years imagined that housework was in and of itself any kind of "way to live a complete life." Anywhere you find me saying anything that sounds like I am saying that, I must have expressed myself clumsily because that has never been my opinion. On the other hand, neither do I find it particularly useful to compare housework to servitude, as I have heard some people do. A fuller explanation of what I am trying to get at will have to wait.
My discussion of Wife's depression has not been thorough or systematic, so I can see where I may have left an erroneous impression. Wife and I were married just about 25 years ago; she was diagnosed with depression maybe 17 years ago, but all that did was to give a name (and treatment options) to feelings and behaviors which had been part of her life as long as I had known her. I have had plenty of time to observe that depression can makke even trivial tasks appear impossible. Indeed, my own depression is not nearly as serious as Wife's, but I have experienced the same thing. I describe one concrete instance in the post about my fourth date with D.
I am also aware that finding a combination of medicines which works is more of an art than a science. Wife has gone through several different cocktails over the years. Sometimes one works for a while and then stops working; sometimes the mixture has to be changed for other reasons. Hanging in there while her doctors adjust first one variable and then another, trying to find the perfect mix, can be a difficult and (sometimes) hair-raising period. I don't question any of that.
All those points having been acknowledged, however, it is nonetheless true that Wife is not a purely passive victim of her depression. I do not propose to speak about other people here, although I wouldn't be surprised if someone were to tell me (as Kathleen Norris does) that the same thing is true of others. But I have watched Wife very closely for a quarter century, and it is quite clear to me that she is an active collaborator in her own depression.
Let me explain what I mean. I fully concede that there is a chemical side to her moods; feed her new chemicals, and her moods improve. But there is also a cognitive side. I have seen her in a situation where her mood was quite positive and chipper; and where some issue comes up that she starts talking about ... and the things she chooses to say about it prove to be things that distress her, with the result that she can talk herself into a depressive funk when she was not there before. This is not an isolated event: I have seen it enough times that it is clearly a pattern. And I do not think that the resulting funk can be accounted for purely on chemical grounds, or she would have started off there. But the fact is that I can watch her mood change in direct reaction to her own words; and she chooses her words consciously based on the ideas that she holds about one thing or another. This means that there is an intellectual, or cognitive, component to her depressive episodes. Would they be different if her brain chemistry were different? Absolutely yes. But would they be different if she were willing to entertain some opposing opinions about this or that subject? Also yes. This is what I mean when I call her an active collaborator. And it is what I mean when I insist that there are non-physical components to her depression.
One minor point, as an aside. You chide me gently for using the phrase "it is conclusively proven" and of course you are right. The things I said to Wife, by themselves, don't prove a damned thing. I know this. And if I had been trying to make a diagnostic argument to a psychiatrist (for example) I would have introduced the kinds of considerations I list immediately above. But I didn't say all that to Wife, for a bunch of reasons: it would have led the conversation way off topic, and these days I don't think she would have followed something that long and intricate. So my "proof" was intended to be a piece of rhetoric that would allow me to skip to a conclusion without having to do the hard work to get there legitimately. I think it is worth observing that you caught the logical gap, but she did not.
I think the comparison is indeed limited to the fact that a) we are both female and b) we both apparently hate housework. I also have a bit of depression, so perhaps there is a c) point.
While I would in general agree that my position is not unreasonable (that PH be the one to do the housework), he would disagree. He truly sees himself as somewhat of a victim in this and why should he be punished for that which is outside of his control?
In this case, I suppose, the comparison is really how your Wife is like PH.
And so PH's opinion is that it is me who is not doing the job of housework well enough. For 'proof' he will point out how much worse it is on the weekends (when I am at home and supposedly responsible for the home - again, his position, not mine.) And he points out (somewhat justifiably) that he does indeed do more housework than I do. The fact that he has more 'unstructured' time does not weigh into his equation.
And so we run into the same debate that I think perhaps you and Wife do... albeit our 'scripts' are written a bit differently... and he might find himself chiding me for this, that or the other thing about the housework. And it feels like a lecture to me.
Anyway, as usual I am sure I am not communicating effectively...
But I go back to one of my points about what D said. And I remember it so clearly because I took it to heart, about living the life as I wish rather than continuing to blame PH for some things (like our housework condition). It is clear that he does not believe it is his job and whether it is or not, he apparently cannot do it effectively. So the choice now becomes mine, me being only in control of myself, how do I want to live? And if the answer is I don't want to live in a pigsty, then I must do things that are only within my own control to do, rather than continuing to blame someone else for the state of the house.
So even though the position that PH should do it is reasonable and expected given our roles in our marriage, the simple fact is that he won't. Therefore, I should stop complaining and blaming him and do it myself. Easier said than done, of course :)
Sorry for the babble!
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