On lying, part 3

Back around the end of January, D and I were discussing when we might see each other again. (This was after our Second Date, and before the Third Date had even been contemplated.) I knew I would have an upcoming trip in March – the one which ended up being our Fourth Date [no, I haven’t posted on it yet] – but the details hadn’t been worked out yet and I was trying to figure out if there were some way to squeeze in a side trip to see D. In the course of the discussion, she and I had the following exchange on truthfulness and lying. I include it because I think it adds an interesting layer to my previous meditations on the subject (in particular, here and here).

In a couple of earlier e-mails, D had gotten pretty impatient with me for not proposing some kind of plans sooner, and she had started to question whether I really wanted to see her all that much. For my part, I was just having trouble thinking of a plausible excuse. With that in mind, I wrote her:

In the discussion about our getting together, all I have said is that I have a hard time lying (although I am not worried about how I will react if Wife asks me [whether I am having an affair]....). If this were easy for me, I think you would have reason to wonder if I am who I say I am. If this were easy for me, you would be more likely to believe Wife's crazy stories about me, because you would think, "Well, he SAYS that story is not true, but I know he can lie very convincingly." As it is, you know that I am in general pretty bad at making up stories out of the whole cloth (especially with all the substantiating details), so when I give you my side of some harebrained tall tale that Wife has just told you, it is easy for you to decide which is true. For the most part, I think this is a good thing. The only downside is that it makes it inconvenient to make plans when I can't say openly “I want to go see D for a week.”

To this, D replied as follows:

Hosea, you can and you do lie. We all do. You are not comfortable with this idea because it doesn't fit the (flattering) picture you want to maintain about yourself, but we all engage in various degrees of deceit. I'm not cynical; rather, I'm intensely curious and interested in why we lie and what purpose lying holds for us. You are perfectly willing to lie when it serves the family well, for example, when you "listened" to Wife and Boyfriend 5's IM conversations to learn about their relationship. You go out of your way to keep your income from her, and you have made no effort to bring her fully into the financial workings of the family because you feel it's better if she remains in the dark. All of these decisions can be argued with, but that they demand a level of subterfuge is undeniable.

When you have a problem lying is when anything comes up that might mean a certain freedom and happiness for yourself. That's not a noble desire to avoid lying, that's a denial of your right to be happy, even for a day. Duty is a high priority, pleasure is not. I question that calculus on several grounds. First, I don't think it works, not forever. Our relationship is inconceivable if you did not, on some level, understand that living without love was sad and undesirable...and not necessary (I can be arrogant at times, but I have no illusions about myself as unique in recognizing you have just about every quality any woman would want; if I was not in the picture, someone else would be there soon). Second, just exactly what do you think you are teaching the boys about love and marriage? Do you really think they haven't figured out that you and Wife have long ago abandoned any genuine love for one another? Her brutal and appalling comments about you in front of the children to me are evidence hard to argue. They need to see real love, and they need to know that men and women can love, passionately and completely. To pretend anything else is also a lie, and nearly unforgivable. [These last two sentences actually puzzled me, because I’m not sure what she is talking about or how she thinks the boys are going to “see” this “real love.” What, between me and D? That’s really not the plan.]

If you told Wife you wanted to stay overnight in [Big City] to view a museum exhibit, or to listen to a lecture, or [see the famous sights there], she could have nothing to say after years of sacrifice and self denial on your part for her. That you agonize over this possibility has nothing to do with lying and everything to do with the value you place on yourself. If she guesses that you will not be alone...she says she doesn't care. Wife has been with several men, in your home, with no regard for your feelings. If she imagines that you might be enjoying yourself with someone else, she has only herself to blame.

One extra day after a week or more of being gone will make no difference in her condition. If you need to arrange transportation for the boys, then you need to do that, whether or not you see me. Again, this isn't about Wife’s frail health, which must be managed, or about your reluctance to lie. It's about your despair over whether you can claim any happiness for yourself apart from fatherhood. The answer is yes. Whether you see that opportunity, or chose to exercise it, is very much your decision. But let's be clear on the decision that must be made, and it's not one about lies.