Marriage as a long conversation.— When entering a marriage, one should ask the question: do you think you will be able to have good conversations with this woman right into old age? Everything else in marriage is transitory, but most of the time in interaction is spent in conversation.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, Human All-Too-Human, aph. 406
And actually, we used to talk a lot. For many years, this quote gave me hope that things would turn out fine even if they were bumpy along the way. Too bad we don't have anything to talk about any more ....
8 comments:
I think it matters more than anything...
I think at some point you know each other so well that you don't have to have the conversation because you already know how it will go. I guess there has to be a willingness to engage in a new way, from a new perspective with each other.
I have no idea how to do that...I'm just speculating.
Hosea, I think you have nothing to talk about, because in your heart you have left this woman, and your love is with D. The whole tone of your posts over the last few months, show that you no longer actually care very much about your wife, and even if she does not know this consciously, she is bound to be picking up on it one way or another. Her husband and her best friend are now lovers. I don't think there is a 'solution' to the problems between you and wife. Just saying. Sorry if unwanted comment!
Conversation is key ...
And seems to be one of the hardest parts of marriage to bring back once it's gone.
Like hoodie, I think it matters more than anything else.
Sometimes I think love itself can be described as the certainty that another always hears you and understands what you say...and the end of love happens when we no longer have that.
Actually the irony is that I wasn't asking the question straight up: I just meant it to introduce the Nietzsche quote, which I take to be the answer. Or at least my answer. And I was kind of commenting on my previous post ("Counseling 21") which was exactly about how little we talk any more.
Hoodie, SA, and O -- I agree with all of you that talking is central. And when I reflect that it is now largely missing between us ... and has been for a long time, if I think about it ... it makes me sad.
Mybutton -- I think what you say can go two ways. There is the "know how it will go" that means the two of you are so in touch that you communicate wordlessly. I've never had that happen to me, but I read about it so maybe it is possible. And there is the "know how it will go" that means the two of you are stuck in a rut and it's always the same pre-canned speeches over and over and over. That is more like where we are, and it is no fun to be there.
Justme -- If I didn't want comments, I wouldn't set up the site to allow them. :-) I actually really appreciate the comment you left, because I'm really going to have to think about it. Is it long-term, deep-down true, or are you just seeing a lot of surface impatience with a lot of long-standing irritation? I don't really know the answer. But I should know, and I had better figure it out. Thank you. (P.S.: it may take me a while.)
Interesting observation about the two ways "know how it will go" can be interpreted. I've had both. When we can communicate wordlessly, however, we find we don't want to. It is sometimes nice to voice those things that mean we're in sync. When it is a rut, it is infinitely frustrating and shows where the true break-downs are. Needing to find a way to break the bad patterns is difficult, but rewarding when you can achieve it.
I am in a similar situation for somewhat similar reasons. But, I think the answer to the question is yes, it does matter. A lot.
Post a Comment