This is something I have been mulling for a while now.
I have said lots of times (most recently here) that Wife and I see things differently: when I try to be helpful, she sees me as bullying, or whatever. When Wife's good friend D was in town, D talked about how very hard it is for any of us to understand ourselves and our own motivations. And sometimes (such as here) I get a notion that my posts might sound pretty off-putting to somebody else.
Obviously none of you is here, in the house with us. None of you can see how Wife and I interact on a daily basis, to form your own opinions. All you have to go on is what I write -- and while I don't try to pretty up my part in any of this, obviously you are going to hear my side of things. But sometimes people can reveal a lot more than they think they are revealing in their writings. For all I know, you could be reading these pieces where I go on and on about how right I am about something, and you could be thinking, "What a schmuck! I can see exactly why his wife gets so sick of him."
So here is the question: Based on what I have written, can you see places where I am kidding myself? ... where I am lying to myself to make myself look good? ... where I am blind to how I must look to somebody outside my own head?
If yes, please tell me. I don't expect to like the news, but I need to hear it.
Of course I realize I have stacked the deck, because all you have to go on are my own posts. On the other hand, if there is something even there that screams to you "Hosea is an asshole," then whatever it is must be pretty dam' obvious to everybody but me. And in that case, as I say, I need to hear about it.
Thanks.
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4 comments:
Dear Hosea,
I haven't read enough of your posts this far back to give you good insight but I admire you for your humility to ask.
When my wife and I were separated several years ago, often in counseling I when she wasn't there, I tried to at least give my best understanding of her side of the story. It was very helpful to me to at least try to express it- and hopefully kept me from being all one sided. A few times I am sure I wasn't that generous though.
Hi Jane -- Thanks. If these things are true, I need to know them. Can I ask you to spell them out just a bit more ... e.g., in what respect I'm living a lie? (And the rest.)
Not trying to be snotty, just wanting to understand. Thanks again.
Well, not a complete lie of course. Just saying that I don't think your wife's polyamory is very good for your "soul." It's not for everyone as I'm sure you know more than enough about it. And yet, you seem to pretend to be okay with it. If you truly are not phased by it then great! and I am mistaken and sorry. Also, at the current state it seems your wife doesn't love or desire you as much as she might her other "lovers." Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't really love or desire you very much? And possibly loves and desires someone else more? I see that you are very committed to the promises you made when getting married. I admire it dearly. But I don't think your wife's particular way of going about polyamory (though I'm sure she is very lovely) is very nice in anyone's eyes whether in a christian, muslim's, buddhist's, shaman's, God's, atheists, a child's, an elderly's, etc. And I pray that she will change but if not, I don't think it would be good for anyone's soul-her's, your's, the children's...
But what do I know right? l'm just a silly girl. =) lol
It's only one opinion out of a billion + others.
Your opinions aren't silly, so don't run them down like that. :-) But they aren't the only way of looking at things. For example: I agree that many of the things my wife does these days leave me either grumpy or sad or cynical; and since anger and sadness both have a long-term corrosive effect on the soul (if you don't find some method to flush them away), you could argue that I am running a risk of damage here. But another way to look at it is that it is supposed to be good for you to be able to meet adversity with courage and steadfastness. So which is it in this case? I'm not sure I'm wise enough to tell. Maybe I'm just being stubborn. :-)
By the same token, I agree that many of the things she does are bad for her because they leave her in a worse place than when she started: feeling more bitter, feeling more helpless, feeling more victimized ... that sort of thing. And again, those are all bad things on anybody's scale. But I can't make her make different choices. So helping heal her soul in any direct way is (I think) beyond me. This leaves me with the question, however, whether she will be benefitted by having me leave her, or not. Up till now, my thinking has been that part of what afflicts her is that she trusts so little; so if I stick it out, then maybe she can learn that she can trust me more, and this could give her something to build on. On the other hand if I leave, that's one more loss in her life, one more person who didn't do what he said he was going to do, one more person who proved untrustworthy in the end ... and I don't see that taking her to a healthier place. Of course I could just be flattering myself, to think that it could make that much difference to her one way or the other. In other words, my thinking might be wrong. But that is the direction it has gone till now.
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