Wife was late and spent the first 15 minutes after she arrived talking compulsively about trivia. Fortunately I had been briefed by D (who talks to Wife regularly on the phone these days) what to expect on the agenda; so I declined to engage with the trivia and asked Wife if this was really what she wanted to talk about.
What she wanted to talk about, in reality, was whether she could travel to the Old Country to visit Boyfriend 5 and his family. She mentioned that she could use D's sister's frequent flyer miles, even if she had to supplement them with some of ours somehow. She said she had waited until the appointment with Counselor to raise the question, because she was afraid that I would get mad. I reminded her, in turn, that I had suggested exactly this a few months ago. I explained that I had concerns -- based on my strong suspicions that Boyfriend 5 is a fraud -- that if she made the trip then bad things could happen to her. But I also added that of course I can't stop her: she's a big girl with her own credit cards, so she can do what she wants.
A couple more details. After some prodding from Counselor, I admitted a second layer of concern -- namely, the normal "jealous husband" concerns in case the whole storyline with Boyfriend 5 turns out true. Wife agreed that maybe we could figure out some ways of reducing the risks that worry me most. And she also said something odd ... namely, that she didn't want me to use this trip as an occasion to demand she choose between us. Now whatever made her think that? I can't say.
But something I noticed is that I didn't feel any of the anxiety I normally feel when we discuss these sorts of things. It was routine ... not quite boring, but almost. And I'm not sure what that means. Is it just that this kind of discussion has become so commonplace between us? Is it that I think everything she says is a bluff? Or is it that I am starting not to worry if she decides to up and leave? And if the last, is it because the purple romantic prose I get (at this point) every day from D in e-mail makes me figure I can live without Wife? Or what?
I don't know what is causing it, but that unconcern is itself more concerning than anything that was said today.
Puritanism
1 day ago
2 comments:
I tried to leave a comment earlier, but something must have happened to it.
I agree that the lack of concern is interesting, and maybe concerning, BUT.
But I think that there's a chance that you are fatigued from the fight for your marriage. That maybe you're ready to retreat a bit. And (I really have no idea what I'm talking about here, I'm just guessing) it may be that she has been letting you bear the brunt of the weight of fighting simply because you are willing. If you step back, perhaps she will step up. If you care less, perhaps she will care more. If you retreat, perhaps she will fight.
You may be right. I am certainly fatigued. I don't know if that is from "the fight for my marriage" or from the fact that so many things just don't seem to change ... or maybe it's because I stay up too late at night reading my friends' blogs. :-) And while I'm not sure what will happen if I stop fighting so much, I am probably about to find out.
Post a Comment