Meanwhile, back at the ranch ..., 2

Normally I wouldn't write a whole new post just to reply to comments. I may have an inflated sense of the value of my own writing, but not quite that inflated. On the other hand, I started to reply to a small number of comments on yesterday's post and found myself writing quite a lot. So I figured maybe I should put my reply into a regular post after all, if only because the margins are wider and it will fit better .... :-)

So here goes.

First, as a general remark, I have to say Thank you again, all of you -- as always -- for your support. I've been discussing the issues with D too, and haven't come to a lot of solidity yet. (One of these days I'm going to break down and give D the URL to this blog, just to get out of so much double-typing. You have no idea how close I have come more than once.)

Kyra wrote in part: "Well of course I should have anticipated this. But I was so wrapped up in anticipation over your visit with D ... that I didn't think about it....

But obviously that is trivial compared to the other events. How disturbing it must be for you to learn such things. Would you normally be doing some of those things? I ask because what I find most disturbing is whether she shut down more than normal and if so, why? Your last sentences are haunting. I hope that is not the reason why. I wonder actually if she might have shut down because of your absence. Given how important you said it was to Wife that she be independent perhaps that is as haunting as your last sentences.

So what will you do now with this information? Will you stop her from driving? And is her condition terminal in that way?

Double hugs for you, K.

PS and yes, of course I want to hear how things are with D now."

Kyra -- First of all, thank you for the compliment. Since you too write a blog with a clear narrative line (the whole divorce saga, at present), I am especially flattered to hear that my story is so compelling. (I mean, it is pretty compelling to me, but then I live it.)

Yes, normally I would be doing almost all those other tasks: taking the boys to their evening commitments, making dinner ... these days pretty much anything that has to happen after 6pm is mine. I have mentioned that Wife's health and energy levels are deteriorating visibly, and some time soon I should post a few more details to explain this.

At the same time, it is also undeniable that Wife is more likely to break down when I leave. For years I had noticed that she got sick reliably within 24 hours of my plane leaving the ground. The first few years I had to travel for work, she would call me a day into my trip telling me she was sick and I had to come back. (Once she called me because the cat had gotten out and she needed my help retrieving her ... at a distance of how many miles?) I finally pointed out this pattern to her, and she got really offended, as if I were claiming that her illnesses hadn't been real but were only ploys to manipulate me. Well, that idea had crossed my mind (in truth) but I had already rejected it because it didn't fit the data ... by which I mean that I could usually see she was still sick when I got home. So what I told her in reply was that no, my point had been about the stress it caused her for me to leave. Because we all know that stress makes one more likely to get sick, especially if one is already in fragile health. The irony is that I make Wife so crazy in so many ways ... but I don't think she has any clue what she would ever do without me. I have said this before, I think, but without giving all of the reasons why.

What will I do now? I honestly don't know. I think it would be very hard for me to stop her from driving; on the other hand, D has said unequivocally that I have to make arrangements before my next trip for someone else to drive the boys as much as possible, so that they are not in her car when she is behind the wheel. If I set this up (somehow!) as a convenience to her, she will probably accept it.

Terminal? In the long run, yes. (See my reply to L., below.) In the short run, typically not. Meanwhile thanks for the hugs. And you want me to run straight back to the story of D? You're a born romantic, aren't you?

Coquette wrote in part: "Sounds like some fairly serious depression. Is your wife on meds for that? If so, does she also see a psychologist? Have you had her back to the doctor in any case to check?

The depression could certainly be the result of Boyfriend 5's cancellation..."

Wife is under the care of a rheumatologist, a neurologist, an internist, and a psychiatrist. She is indeed on a cocktail of psychiatric medications, along with a bunch of others, to address her severe, "treatment-resistant" cyclic depression. And her rheumatologist recently ran a bunch of bloodwork to try to understand why she has been so sick lately. He has encouraged her to seek out an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist as well, but she has not been able to summon up the motivation to make the phone calls. Nor has she had the motivation to follow up on her bloodwork.

Her depression could certainly be influenced by Boyfriend 5's no-show. But I wouldn't quite say "caused". Certainly she suffered with it decades before Boyfriend 5 came on the scene. Plus she is in touch with him daily by IM. But yes, no doubt it is a contributing factor.

Veni wrote in part: "I believe ... that your wife has had a difficult time getting her medication properly? Is she actually taking it?" Wife has indeed had a difficult time getting some of her medications (not all), but she takes her anti-depressant cocktail religiously. That having been said, her psychiatrist is currently adjusting the mix for her. November was probably not the right month in which to make this experiment, since it is one her her two nadirs during the year. But he is new for her (her old psychiatrist recently retired) and is kind of feeling his way. Also, he's meeting with her once a week with the idea of heading off any downward spirals. Still, I am not completely sure that she is exerting the effort to comunicate clearly with him.

And finally, L., wrote in part: "So, Hosea, what's wrong with her? Is it depression or something physical?"

Wife's two primary diagnoses are: depression (on the mental plane) and lupus or SLE (systemic lupus erythematosus). There are a number of secondary diagnoses that go along with these or contribute to them, such as ADD or (according to her newest psychiatrist) a mild case of OCD exacerbating the depression; along with fibromyalgia and some other auto-immune diseases in the wake of the lupus.

The lupus is terminal but not yet. By this I mean that there is no known cure (yet) so someday it will do her in. However, most lupus patients die ultimately from the toxic effects of their medication. This process takes decades, and lupus has been known to get a lot easier in some women after menopause. (Nobody knows why.) So there is a possibility that she could get enough better to go off of much of her medication, some time before the mdication kills her. Or maybe not. Again, nobody knows for sure. Wife's rheumatologist is confident that one day a cure will be discovered, but he is not certain that Wife will live to see it.

Based on the experiences of a lot of other people she has talked to, Wife has tended to assume that the lupus would give her another decade or so. But nothing about it is certain. The boys have grown up for as long as they can remember knowing that Mommy is sick and that one day she'll die ... just not right away. I'm not sure how they have internalized this.

It's late and I can't keep my eyes open. I'll come back to polish this later.