Comic interlude: drugs and demons

My narrative has been short on humor for a little while, but D's conversations with Wife (and Wife's with Boyfriend 5) have taken up the slack. I have just been remiss in posting about them.

The day after Counseling 17, D spoke with Wife on the phone and summarized her conversation as follows:

Wife made no sense today. I'm sorry, but honestly, sometimes she's just not thinking quite straight. She spent a goodly amount of time angry because [when she walked in] you were discussing your job with Counselor rather than using the time to deal with your "issues". When I suggested that perhaps you did not see any personal matters to discuss with Counselor while waiting for her, she became quite angry and insisted that you had as many problems as she does (oh no, you don't. There is *no* way!); she then talked a great deal about your [alleged] drinking problem. At one point, she insisted that I had only a half glass of wine [over dinner while I was visiting you] while you finished the rest of the bottle. That's simply not true. I matched you, glass for glass, every night. And why not? The wine was lovely, and we both richly earned a bit of relaxation (which we took, let's be honest). All this could be concerning, but what doesn't make sense is her abrupt subject shift to Boyfriend 5's drug addiction. He is unable to visit her because he will run out of muscle relaxants due to substance abuse when his pain becomes more than he can tolerate. OK...let me get this straight. You are a bad person who has an alcohol problem, but her ex-heroin addict boyfriend is to be pitied and cared for because he abuses prescription drugs to such an extent that travel becomes impossible. What am I missing here?

Even weirder postscript. She told me that Boyfriend 5 wasn't 'mad' at her for being concerned about his drug use. Does this man have a clue? And this after Wife insisted that you had no ability to have an emotional life, and would treat any other woman in your life the same way you treat her. You would never talk to her, or ever even mention your children or family. Hosea, who needs drugs? I'm listening to surreal conversation every day.

There was also some discussion to the effect that Wife was planning to spend part of the year in the Old Country. I did a little checking and found that yes, indeed she was discussing exactly that ... and was planning to travel by demon express:

Wife: i'm so blessed, so grateful to have you in my life. i'm not possessive, don't expect to be the only or most important thing in your life, but i am glad i'm there too. Loving you is what makes it worth getting up every day. Knowing you love me is second.
Boyfriend 5: I feel the same about you, even if I can't always talk to you. You're still here, in my mind.
Wife: And you know what? It feels really wonderful to belong to you. And no, it's not "just online". We're as real as it gets. i will belong to you in person, too. :) and looking forward to it, i might add. And we won't always be separated, will we?
Boyfriend 5: Damn straight we won't.
Wife: So, with [your demon]'s help, maybe, we can spend some quality time in "real time" instead of online. Maybe eventually i'll even learn to travel by myself -- who knows? Doubt i'll have the talent, but... i want so badly to just have you hold me.
Boyfriend 5: Yes, we can...I wish you could get away for a weekend, but...maybe one day.
Wife: yes
Boyfriend 5: Wouldn't someone shit his pants if you told him a demon was coming to take you to the Old Country to spend the weekend with me. That's the first laugh I've had all day.
Wife: i'm pretty sure Hosea wouldn't believe it, for starters. He's convinced you don't even live there and there's a chance i'd be left at the airport alone -- i'll be he doesn't believe in demons and i KNOW he doesn't believe in TPing -- so if i told him [your demon] was coming for me, he would truly have his jaw drop when he showed up out of nothing in the kitchen or something. Too bad he looks human, actually.
Boyfriend 5: He'd believe it if he saw it.
Wife: yes, he would.
Boyfriend 5: [My demon] looks like whatever he wants to look like. Horns and goat feet?
Wife: Great. And red eyes! :) LOL! The thought amuses me greatly.
Boyfriend 5: Yeah! Slitted eyes, and a forked tongue.
Wife: And for me to tell Hosea that i *want* to go with this character, "poof" into nothingness... i'd
promise to call when i got there safely, of course, as always.
Boyfriend 5: lollollollollol LMAO LMAO LMAO
Wife: and it wouldn't be a 30-hour transatlantic flight, either. :)
Boyfriend 5: I still like the idea of [my demon] taking him to the jungle or antartica or something.
Wife: Just scaring the bejesus out of him would be ok...but actually, if [your demon] wanted to appear totally respectable and let Hosea see him appear out of nothingness, it would force H to believe that you guys *can* TP and that i can get there without plane tix. Don't know what i'd do if caught there without a visa stamp, tho.
Boyfriend 5: You wouldn't get caught.

As D says, Who needs drugs?