We were in Counselor's office today, and Wife wanted to revisit a fight we'd had last week as evidence that I care nothing about her. (It was nearly midnight when we fought, and I make no claims I was being rational. It didn't show up either of us at our best, honestly.)
Anyway, after we had discussed it for a long time -- and I'm skipping the details because you can't be interested in them -- Counselor came up with a very pithy summary.
"You know," he told Wife, "whenever you and Hosea get into this kind of cycle, it always seems to come back to the same place for both of you: You feel disrespected, and Hosea feels misunderstood. And that seems to be the central drama for each of you."
He spent a little more time with it, trying among other things to tell Wife that from where he sits, it looks to him like I care about her very much. (Which means, although he is supposed to be an impartial third party, that he was actually telling Wife she misunderstands me ... at least some of the time.) But I think the important part was the summary. I like it and will have to pay attention to it, the next time one of these boilerplate arguments springs itself on us ....
These posts are getting shorter and shorter. Either I'm losing steam, or I'm really busy. Well, I know I'm busy. Not sure about the "losing steam" part, though.
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5 comments:
Unfortunately, I've been there....My wife found the therapist taking my side and gave up going...We've worked out most issues (except the lack of sex and her ability to spend money) but it's better these days...having 2 kids plus 1 on the way doesn't hurt, because she isn't leaving or threatening to do so.
You do seem to be losing steam. Or maybe patience -- but how would I know if that's the case :)?
That is indeed a very interesting summary. Sounds like a standoff to me. If you figure out how to end a standoff, please let me know :)
Of course, I think that both parties really want to end it to make that happen.
I think the counselor was getting a bit annoyed and wanted to move your relationship forward since like he said it's kind of a cycle even at the cost of being slightly partial. I'm glad he thinks that you care about wife, but even for a guy like you caring get's tedious and hard.
Keep it up Hosea! Wherever "up" is.
Do you think the two of you are making progress, if not do you think you will?
Couple of thoughts ...
First of all, rather than complaining about the counseling posts "losing steam", I was already going to compliment you for keeping them going! And for finding ways to summarize them effectively. As you know, I haven't posted any summaries of our own counseling sessions for months: I made the process too cumbersome for myself.
Secondly, regarding the counselor "taking sides", I know our Dr. S overtly "takes sides" throughout the session and uses it very effectively. At least in our situation, where we lift the "failure to communicate" banner high, it works great. He becomes the surrogate of one party or the other, articulating things we failed to articulate.
Ronald10021 -- It's true that kids are a big incentive to stay together. :-) From time to time Wife has fantasized about leaving me and taking the kids, trying to use them as bargaining chips. Recently D told her quite bluntly that I know enough about Wife's psychiatric history that any competent attorney could certainly secure full custody for me. And in general she talks more often about staying together so that the boys have a father. She doesn't talk a lot about eaving ... at least, not that I know about.
hoodie -- If I figure out how, I will certainly let you know. Heck, I'll write a pos about it. :-)
Jane -- Progress? I have no idea. On the whole I think probably not. We seem to be in the same place for years. (If I ever post about our last couple of counseling sessions, I'll talk about that.) But then, I don't think "progress" here is a linear thing. I'm thinking fits-and-starts is probably a better description.
Apollo -- Oh, Counselor will certainly paraphrase each of us to the other. He does that all the time. I was thinking of a more long-term, behind-it-all kind of taking sides. But as long as Wife doesn't complain I guess it is OK.
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