Discovery

Dearest Hosea,

My husband showed up on my doorstep this morning, with a new computer monitor and keyboard. [Remember that D lives is another town from her husband, because it is close to her work. Her husband does all of her IT work for her because it frankly baffles D.] You and I may think surprises are problematic; my husband seems not to suffer from the same dislike. He went through my files with a fine tooth comb; he discovered your photos, and a couple of passionate letters; one about Cavafy and one discussing Martha Nussbaum. Both must have been written when I reverted to writing [my e-mails as] Word documents [and then copying them into mail] after something went wrong on the internet account. They were fairly well hidden, but he opened them anyway. He was here for nine hours; you can well imagine everything he found. He discovered my secret e-mail account and tried to delete it, but did not; I protested too much. He did not get into the account; he needed the password, and I refused to give it to him. However, there is no question in my mind that he knows about our relationship. Hosea, it is impossible to think he does not know we are lovers.

At the end of the day, I have a new computer set-up, including a new printer (paid for on my card; the old one would not plug into my little computer). Everything is sorted and filed and organized; I'm left nerveless and not knowing what to do or think. He never said a word, never paused, never commented on any of it, including your pictures or my letters that began "Dearest, beloved Hosea...". I don't know what to think. Does he not care as long as the status quo is maintained? Does he plan to use this information in some way? Is he stunned and does he need time to process it? I have no idea. Our time together was relaxed, outside the few times he was frustrated with my technical incompetence, which is understandable and usually deserved. Hosea, I don't know. I just don't know. But our affair is no longer secret, that much I comprehend. What that means for the future, for us, I have no idea. Like yourself, I find it difficult to predict the future. But I am filled with apprehension and I'm not sure what I would say if confronted. Ideas are welcome.

Let's take a collective breath, and remind ourselves that this was inevitable. We need to think about what steps we should take to maintain our freedom, and yet still give me the opportunity to love you when the fall-out becomes difficult. What will he tell the children? My adult daughter warned me that my love for you could harm innocent people needlessly; I know that is true, but today's situation was out of my control. There is a message in here somewhere....

My dearest darling, I wish you were here to hold me and tell me that you love me. Thank you for saying the same so often in your last letter; I couldn't help but feel your warm arms around me and see your tender smile. Whatever the future brings, I have no regrets loving you; I only wish I could be with you more often. Somewhat like the hero in Babylon 5, I think we have twenty years together. And ever after, one of us will watch the sun come up every day, thinking of our love ....

I love you, now and forever,
D