Not this shit again! part 2

In my last post, I talked about Friend’s e-mail to Son 1 and Son 2; and I mentioned that I had sent it also to D. Here is her reply:

Hosea, I think Wife wanted you to find the information you found and it is past time to address the situation. If that means she learns that you have read some of her posts, then so be it. I would not make that blindingly obvious, but I would not deny it either (remember that she already knows you have read some of her posts because you gave me the account address that allowed for sexual blogging [For some time -- maybe a year or so -- Wife and Friend and a bunch of other people were all contributing to something called "My Journal" under the name of "The House of Normandy."] and she traced my address to discover she and her friends were being monitored). I’d keep the conversation about Friend’s letter to the boys. The letter is very rank; there is an evil there that makes my skin crawl.

I think there are a couple issues here and one is the ongoing matter of honesty. The only reason to mention and then to show that you went to the two training sessions is to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did not abandon your family for ten days in order to be with me. [Wife had suggested in a recent e-mail to Friend that I spent this whole week-and-a-half with D. It's true I was there a day-and-a-half, not that I care to discuss it with Wife; but I only wish it had been longer.] That seems important. It also seems important for her to visit this person, whoever she/he is, and establish some reality or lack of reality.

Second, whatever the differences between you and Wife, to have them discussed with the children is beyond inappropriate; it is manipulative and destructive. There is also a level of knowledge the letter presupposes that makes it clear that I have been right about Wife’s willingness to share her affairs with her children and that one of her ongoing projects is to fill their minds with all kinds of hateful stuff about you. Yes, I think both boys will end up rejecting this viewpoint and finally rejecting her, but they are still kids and the resources you bring to distance yourself from her madness and venom are unavailable to them. The letters need to stop now. God knows what “Friend” will send Son 1 at school, where it becomes impossible for you to monitor his email. I think you have some difficult decisions to make; does it really make sense to stay with her ‘for the children’ when “The House of Normandy “is both trying to recruit Wife and paint you are a violent, insensitive lout? I have long questioned your decision, but if you decide it still seems correct, you need to find a way for the boys to be free from this madness.

I’d do two things; first, your lawyer needs a copy of the letter and any other materials you have to establish yourself as better qualified to be the custodial parent. Second, you need to tell both boys you know about the attempts Friend has made to contact them, and to briefly say that they should keep out of this matter between you and Wife. You can usually set up some kind of block that will screen for any messages from his accounts. I’m guessing that it will stop; after all, we know that emails are not considered private and confidential (that also includes ours) and can be used in court. (Given the nature of our relationship, the love we share is pretty mundane and poses much less of a danger to the boys than “The House of Normandy”. I can’t imagine Wife not understanding that matter.)

You will need to have a focused discussion with Wife, which means you probably need to arrange for Son 2 to be somewhere else. Do not let Wife switch the topic of conversation; stay with the emails to the kids. And set down some “if…then” guidelines. Wife wants to stay with you, and “Friend” wants her to remain married too. Unless she wants an immediate divorce, she will make sure that Friend never contacts the boys again while you are married to her and Son 1 and Son 2 are under eighteen. It’s not negotiable nor will the demand change. That she loves “Friend” or Boyfriend 2 [Yes, it turns out she has also been in touch with Byfriend 2 again recently. (sigh) Surely they deserve each other.] or even “Boyfriend 5” and what she does about those loves is none of your business any more. Yet as long as you share custody of the children, she needs to obey some basic outlines of decency and respect.

You may have to spell these out to her; she can only understand black and white rules. I believe it was Aristotle who declared that some individuals were born to be in servitude because they were too indolent to live as free men; they were unable to think for themselves and work for the good of the polis outside of serving a ‘master’. *Sigh. That seems cruel and the assertion rejects the Enlightenment notion of fundamental human dignity. Has mental illness diminished Wife’s dignity to the extent that she must be protected for her own good? To have her misery and disability exploited by ‘Friend’ and then to drag your children over that cliff is quite terrible. You can love and protect your sons, but she may have to rely on the mercies of God. The future cannot be but a wilderness for her.

I so wish I could hold you and that all discussion could cease. Given that impossibility, know that I am available all week-end by phone, and that in my heart, all my love is yours.

I did call D later today, and we talked for close to an hour. I explained that I really don’t think forbidding Friend to contact the boys will do me much good if I have no way to enforce it ... which I don’t. I agree that there is something about the letter that makes my skin crawl. But I don’t know what to do about it. I can put a filter in Son 2’s e-mail because he still lives at home. But if Friend is indeed (as I believe) actually a phony identity created by the same person who has pretended (to Wife) to be Boyfriend 5 and even Celine Dion (yes!), then he or she has a great facility for creating new e-mail addresses. So a filter would be pretty temporary. And in any event I don’t see how I could reach Son 1’s e-mail, at boarding school.

I did agree, though, that maybe it is time I contacted my lawyer again (whom I have not seen since this point here) ... maybe I can send her the e-mail and get her opinion of it. I certainly need advice from someone.