"She took you away from me!"

During the same dinner when Wife complained about making salads -- this was Monday night -- she started complaining about D again.  But the lead-in was a little roundabout.

It started when Wife complained that I hadn't done something or other that she wanted (I don't remember what) and I replied that she had never asked me.  How was I supposed to know?  By reading her mind?  She replied that of course she had never asked me, because she knew perfectly well that my answer would be No.  And I told her, ...

Hosea:  You know, every time you say you know perfectly well what I'm going to say, you always turn out to be dead wrong.  Maybe you should give up trying to second-guess me.  I know that way back when you used to claim to be psychic.  [She did.]  But it's obviously not working any more, if it ever did.  Because you are never right about what you think I am going to say.

Wife:  That's just because you have changed so much.  Nowadays you are not the man I married, and you are not any man I ever knew.  You have changed every single aspect of your personality that I ever knew before, into something I don't know at all.  And you did it just to hate me, just to make me suffer by not having any idea who you are any more.

Hosea:  Gosh, I hardly know what to say.  I guess I'm flattered that you think I have changed every single aspect of my personality.  Most people I know don't think that's possible; they think that if you try really, really hard maybe you can change this or that little surface habit or characteristic.  But to change a whole personality?  That would take real mastery.  I don't think I'm nearly that good, but I'm flattered you do.

Wife:  Yeah, well you didn't change everything.  [She tried to make it sound venomous.]  But I know when you started.  It was the second day that fucking D was here, and you just started to model every single thing she did.  That's when you decided to become vegetarian, and that's when you decided all my books could get thrown in the trash, and that's when you drove her back to her hotel every night which was only ten minutes away and you'd stay there for two hours!  Oh I know you'd make excuses but I also know perfectly well you were spending all that time plotting with each other over exactly how much of my stuff you'd let me keep, and how you were going to screw me over by throwing away the rest of it.  And that's when you'd split bottle after bottle with her of the good wine we got from our wine club.  You never split any of that wine with me, but it was fine to pour it for that fucking D! 

Hosea:  I can guarantee you we weren't spending any time plotting against you.  Good God, the cleaning job was bad enough when it was going on ... the last thing we wanted to do was keep talking about it afterwards.  We were probably discussing philosophy or something.  [I didn't add that actually D and I were fucking like bunnies, and I'm a little surprised that Wife has never accused us of that. Then I went on.]  As for sharing the good wine, you never asked.  Look, do you remember the story of the Prodigal Son, in the Bible?  [She nodded.]  There's a line in there that's so short everyone misses it, but it's really important.  The father is making all these preparations for a big feast as the prodigal son comes home, and the good son -- the one who stayed there all along -- pouts, "You never threw a party like this for me."  The father answers him, "You never asked."  You can't expect me to read your mind.

Wife:  So if I'd been as pushy as that fucking D, then maybe you would have shared some of the good wine with me?  Because that's all she was -- just pushy!  And she made you change every single thing about yourself, so that I'd never know you any more and you'd hate me and want nothing to do with me!  She made you change your personality so that she could take you away from me and I never had you for myself again for a single minute after that!  I hate her so much if I ever see her again I'll put a kitchen knife between her ribs.

By this point the veins were standing out prominently on Wife's forehead, her face was dark red, and she was weeping freely.  I didn't know what to say and I felt like a ninny saying anything.  My first attempt to pull her out of it was a total failure.

Hosea:  You know, I really don't think I changed all that many of my opinions then.  I think there was a lot more continuity in how I felt than you are painting.

Wife:  Well you sure didn't act like it!  You used to act like you cared about me, and now you do everything you can to get as far away from me as possible.

Hosea:  And as for eating less meat and more vegetables, you know part of that dates back to when my dad had his quadruple-bypass.  [This was really weak, because it truly was D who inspired me to change how I eat. My father had his bypass surgery in 2002, and it was another six or seven years before I started eating differently.]

Wife:  Well if that's what made you change, then you deserve to die of clogged arteries and a heart attack and cancer all at once for what you've done to me.

Wow.  What do I say to that?  I had no idea, so I tried a different tack.

Hosea:  Can I ask a question?  Why are you still so upset over things that happened so many years ago?  Most people, if they are angry over something, find their anger dissipates after a while.  Why are you still so worked up over something so old?

She didn't have a clear answer apart from repeating her grievances, but my question did kind of derail her.  And after a while she did calm down enough to say, ...

Wife:  I'm really, really scared.  Two and a half months ago I knew what the future looked like.  Back then I figured even if we didn't have a great marriage we could stick it out and stick together.  And now I'm looking at being all alone and I don't know what to do.  When Christmas rolls around I guess I'll go buy a magazine and just wait it out.  You'll visit your parents with the boys, but you won't want me there.

Hosea:  You know, Babe, none of us knows the future.  None of us knows what is coming our way.  Any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow.  So you were never as secure as you thought you were.  But the flip side is that things aren't guaranteed to be bad any more than they are guaranteed to be good.  You think you'll be alone because right now you can't foresee who you'll be with.  But you won't really be alone.  I have too much confidence in you for that.  You'll meet new people, make new friends.  You'll have somewhere to be for Christmas: maybe at your nephew's house, or maybe with some new friends you haven't even met yet.  There's never any absolute security outside of God and Heaven.  But I have confidence that you can weather it.  Have some confidence in yourself.

Wife:  I don't.

Hosea:  I know.  But work on it.

And with that we picked up dinner and Wife headed off to bed.