The last thing I need

Quite a few weeks ago -- I don't quite remember when, but probably in September some time -- Wife made a remark about the possibility of my getting or having a girlfriend.  I think she said something to the effect that, since we are divorcing anyway (and since she has some number of boyfriends herself, plus an active account on OKCupid), it would naturally be fine with her if I were seeing somebody too.  This was after I had broken up with D (although for a while D actually kept writing me as affectionately as ever, thinking perhaps that I didn't really mean it).  And I just chuckled and said, "The last thing I need right now is a romantic relationship."

Wife was plainly a little confused at my answer, and asked, "Really? I'd think with everything that's going on you would want a girlfriend to help support you through this time."

I didn't really answer her -- more just blew it off -- and the conversation went somewhere else.  But only a couple of weeks ago the conversation came back to me, and I understood more clearly why I had said that.

Really there are two reasons.  One is the mundane practical reason that I think I will be in a stronger position with respect to the courts and in the eyes of the boys if I am not currently dating.  Logically it shouldn't work that way, maybe, but in practice I think it does.  (A corollary is that when I am in love my judgement and common sense go completely to hell; so maybe it's not a good thing to invite when I need my wits about me.)

But the other reason is more interesting, and it speaks directly to Wife's question.  When I have a lot going on, why wouldn't I want to be involved with a girlfriend who could help me carry the burdens?

Why not?  Well, because I have no idea what that would look like.  What suddenly hit me, recently, is that the only picture I have in my mind of what a romantic relationship looks like is that it involves me supporting her through her problems, not the other way around.  So of course when I have a shitload of my own burdens to carry I'm not going to be eager to pick up someone else's too.  And so I'm going to be pretty skittish about another girlfriend just now.

I'm happy that I understand my reaction better now.  But I'm a bit disturbed at what I now see about how I perceive romantic relationships.  Maybe this gets back to my old question, "What is it with me and high-maintenance women anyway?" (see also here or really any of these.)