Emails with Debbie, 4

From this point our letters to each other became a lot longer, so I am going to have to pull out just a few excerpts.  But I'll try to keep to the basic thread of the narrative, how we opened up to each other so quickly.

Hosea:

On the basic question how much we should write each other between lunches (and about what), the first and loudest answer that jumps into my head is in the voice of the Greedy Child lurking somewhere in the back of my brain, who insists that if he’s going to have to wait THREE WHOLE WEEKS (pout, sniff, sulk) between lunches then he jolly well wants to be able to write in the meantime.  Greedy Child is also sneaky enough to agree completely with what you say about the unsatisfactoriness of cyber-romance and the superiority of relating in person, only to pivot on his heel and whine that what this really argues for is to meet more often.  (smile)  I certainly don’t say that Greedy Child should get his way all the time, because sometimes he’s just wrong.  Figuratively speaking, sometimes he clamors for things that will just give him a belly-ache.  But he sure is loud.

Debbie:

Your Greedy Child makes me laugh.  I'm glad you are aware of him and I hope you are taking good care of him.  I first thought to suggest you offer him a cup of warm chamomile tea with a bit of honey and some soothing words so that he can relax, but I am guessing he won't be soothed and that distracting him with a good, hard run of, say, 5 or 6 miles might be better.  Greedy Child prompted me to look inside myself to see what voices are asking to be listened to... there is Tender Heart who says that this is exciting, there are many things I like about him and these warm, loving, desirous feelings feel pretty good, but the intensity scares me, I'm not sure where this is going so would you please take good care of me?  And there is Inner Wisdom Voice who says it's good to keep my heart open even when I'm feeling scared or overwhelmed, but it is also good to go slowly and take plenty of time, that I am happiest when I stay true to my deepest values and what I want for myself in my life than when I run after the feelings of the moment.  If the feelings stay constant over a period of time, I can trust them.  There is serenity and solid happiness I can rely on when I do this....

About the need to get to know each other [again after all this time]... I couldn't agree more.  There are a couple of important areas where I feel it would be good for you to know more about me.  As I said at lunch, it's important to me to be able to bring my whole self to my relationships and that means you have to be able to get to know those various parts of me.  Also, I'm aware that I am a pretty complicated person with a fair amount of "baggage," and while we can never really know another person fully because we are all changing all the time (where would the fun be if we could?), it would be good for you to be able to have a certain degree of "informed consent" as you begin to share your heart with me.  And I am sure there are many things that it is important for me to know about you.  Getting to know you again after all these years gives me pleasure... both seeing and recognizing the things about you that I liked so much back then, such as your way with language and your humor, and getting to see who you are as a person today.  I'm impressed with how vulnerable you have allowed yourself to be with me and yet, that seems to be coming pretty easily for both of us.... 

Moving on to the emotional impact of e-mail itself... I have a concern.  The emotional intensity I have been experiencing in response to you, while in many ways wonderful, is also somewhat exhausting.  Both seeing you in person and exchanging e-mail contributes to that.  So I may need to take breaks.  And surely the intensity will ease over time.  Maybe you are not experiencing this in just the same way.  

Hosea:

I continue to gaze in wonder at how much ground we have covered in the comparatively short time we’ve been talking, and at how directly we are able to talk about what we feel and want.  You said something similar when you remarked that we have let ourselves be vulnerable to each other.  Am I mistaken, to be amazed by how quick, how smooth and absolutely natural the process has been?  I’m pretty much a foreigner to any kind of conventional dating (if there is such a thing), but somehow I can’t imagine that most potential couples start talking to each other the way we do, as easily as we have been talking.  I find myself wanting to comfort Tender Heart by telling her she is spot on when she describes these “warm, loving, desirous” feelings, and yes they do feel pretty good; and further, that I would never willingly do anything to hurt or scare her.  I understand, however, that the sheer intensity can be scary whether I will or no, and that this is wrapped up with the whole topic of energy and silence. 

I want to talk a little bit about energy and silence, but I’m not quite sure where to start.  They are bound up with each other.  So on the one hand, no, to some extent you are right to guess that I have not been experiencing our reconnection quite as forcefully as you describe it for yourself: delightful, exhilarating, enticing, and full of promise … yes, it has been all of these for me.  But I think I would stop short of “overwhelming”.  On the other hand, I do think I have experienced what you are talking about.  I had a dear friend once whose levels of personal energy were just phenomenal, so much so that she exhausted me.  [This was D, of course. Who else could it possibly be?]  It wasn’t so much that we were doing exhausting things together (no mountain climbing or deep-sea diving), but rather that I found myself getting worn out just by being around her.  And so while she kept telling me, “Oh we must spend more time together,” I learned that to keep myself from crashing into a sudden, deep depression I had to limit our time to short visits separated by long breaks.  It’s not that I didn’t enjoy our time together, but the sheer outpouring of energy left me ragged.  I think you may be describing something similar – perhaps not word-for-word the same, but close enough for purposes of my understanding you.  If that’s it, … well, I have to shake my head softly at the irony of finding myself on the other side of the equation, but what else can I say?  I know for sure in that case that backing off became a basic and essential coping mechanism.

Debbie: 

I'm so happy for your letter.  It is almost unbelievable to me how well we are communicating and how natural it seems.  Everything I have offered to you, you have met with understanding and caring.  And I am happy for all the things you are telling me about yourself.  Your insight and ability to be honest are very reassuring to me (and I simply enjoy your talking to me).... 

You know, I'm not sure how many people do "conventional dating."  Some, maybe.  I didn't date a lot, but I guess once or twice it might have been somewhat conventional.  Mostly I have looked at other people with curiosity and wonder at how they can date over a period of time,  gradually getting to know each other.   You occasionally hear of couples who spend hours and hours talking when they first meet and feel a strong, natural connection right away, but I think it is unusual.  I have not experienced the ease and depth of connection this way before and I am very, very happy for it.  Regardless of how things go or what direction things take,  I am also amazed and very grateful for how we are able to be vulnerable and share so much of ourselves and have it be so natural and easy.

I'd like to respond to what you have said about energy and silence and intensity of feeling.  I admit that I did feel a bit overwhelmed last week by your eagerness (well, Greedy Child's).  That has passed.  Now it is my own strong emotions that are challenging.  Even good feelings can be stressful when they are so strong.  I want to tell you something, but I don't know quite how to express it and get it reasonably right so that you can understand (I had hoped to tell you about this in person).  Here goes... preferring to stay in a moderate zone of emotional intensity and feeling anxious when my feelings become strong is a remnant from my childhood.  I grew up in an alcoholic family that turned violent when I was twelve.  My feelings as a young person were either totally numb or off the charts in intensity (usually fear or anger or both).  Much of that is in the past, [and then she explained some of what she had done to overcome it]....  So to come back to the present,  I think the reason I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed by my own intense feelings, even though they are warm & loving, is that as a child and young adult, I associated any strong feelings with bad things happening.  I'm quite sure this will pass, and probably quickly, with familiarity.    Is this okay to have told you this?  This is where the informed consent comes in.  If you can love the wounded parts of me as well as the strong healthy parts, that would be a wonderful thing.  Tender Heart would love to be comforted by you.

What else could I say to her but that of course this was fine with me.  And my ear, listening for the use of language (as always), once again picked up the word "love" -- this time very explicitly about my loving her.  Absolutely progress in the right direction.

There was one more component of our exchanges before our third lunch, but it belongs in a different post.  I also think that it may have been what it took finally to close the gap.