Emails with Debbie, 2

Continuing the conversation from my previous post, Debbie wrote me:

I, too, think it was useful to take a pause to think things

through and invite some clarity about my own emotional processes.  I

appreciate your honest self-examination and I am glad for our talk. 

Happy, actually.  It's amazing how freeing honesty can be, even when

circumstances and feelings are complicated or difficult.  I'm looking

forward to seeing you again.

And I her:

You are absolutely right that honesty is freeing, and it can open up options that were never available before.  A less happy example -- for many years I observed a strict silence about the craziness in my marriage, and not coincidentally I also felt permanently locked in place.  People would ask how things were at home, and I would say "Fine" and then change the subject.  It was only a few years ago that I could bring myself, very cautiously at first, to talk about it with anybody. [Naturally in the first instance I'm talking about all of you; and then after a while, about D.]  And it was only after I was able to do so that I could see there were alternatives.  As I say, it's a less happy example but it reinforces the point.

But right now I'd rather think about more cheerful things instead; so I am looking forward -- sunnily and with a smile on my face -- to seeing you again.

Fondly, Hosea

Debbie:

More about honesty... it took me a good long while and a lot of painful

work to see the truth about some aspects of my marriage. And some of it

I couldn't see clearly until I had been out on my own for over a year. 

So I do know what you are talking about and I want to acknowledge how

important it is.  I find myself wanting to say that you deserve to enjoy

happiness in your life and in your relationships.  There is peace and

relief ahead, I promise. At least that has been my experience.

with an open heart,

Debbie

Hosea:

I firmly believe what you say about the peace and relief ahead, because in a way I can see it in front of me.  And the consequence is like when I ran cross-country back in high school (I was never remotely fast enough to be competitive, but the coach was good-humored about letting me join the team just to get in better shape), ... when I got to the point in a run where I could see the destination, then I knew it was only so many more footsteps until I reached it and it was only a matter of plugging through them.  Maybe not a perfect analogy, but there's something useful in it.  I have found, too, that sometimes it takes time and distance to see things clearly.  Just the other day I found myself remembering one of Wife's long-term gripes about me -- something I had never understood because it was so foreign to any of my own perceptions -- and suddenly there was a click in my head and I saw it from a different angle.  "Oh, so that's what was going on!"  It was a little point and nothing profound, but it had taken years for the sediment in my head to settle just right so that I could see it.

I think we are going to have a lot to talk about, and not only about the past.  It's a happy thought.

With warmth and affection,

Hosea

But then she answered like this:

I find I don't have a lot to say just now.   Looking forward to a day of

rest tomorrow after a week full of study and work.

may you be well,

Debbie

... and I began to wonder if she was trying to cut off the conversation again, kind of like before.  When I asked, that took us in another direction.