Deer in the headlights

Wife has been talking to realtors about what it would take to sell the house … among them two, named Anthony and Marsha.  A while ago she told me she didn’t want to work with Anthony, but apparently she didn’t tell him that; so he called me a while ago, asking what’s up.  I e-mailed Wife asking the same question, and got a huge long response which probably conveys pretty fairly what kind of mental space she’s in right now.  It ain’t pretty.

Some selections:

Hosea,

Yes, he called me. He wanted to know what to tell his buyer, who was wondering if he should "move on". I told him we were still interested in his buyer, but that we (you and I) were going to meet this Friday. I just didn't mention Marsha one way or the other. I figured there was time to do that if we decided to sign with her, which we probably will.

He upset me a lot, and knew it, which is probably why he called you. He said he expected the largest hurdle would be for me to find alternative housing, informing me that there wasn't any available, that rentals are scarce, and that it will cost me $2000-2,300 to find a 2-bedroom apartment. Well, of course I won't have that much. I don't even know how much I'll have yet, but not that much. I've been assuming rent at around $1,500 tops for a 2-bed, 1 bath, and that's already more than my own income, so would have to include part of what you give me, not counting all my other bills (just my credit card minimum payments are $340/mo.). I don't even know if that's possible, and he left me in despair and crying because I'd have to leave here, which I love, all my medical care, all my friends, and all that's familiar. Just learning how not to get lost in a new town would be a very big deal for me. I finally told him I couldn't talk to him any more about it and hung up.

I have been looking in the newspaper, and have found a few one-bedrooms for rent for around $1,200-$1,300, but, as I discussed with you, I feel like I need two [bedrooms] with the kids. Leia tells me to look on Craigslist because renters don't want to pay for newspaper ads so that's where they post rentals. Marsha sent me some rental ads that go through her company as property managers earlier but all for one-beds. They all looked ok for just me at around $1,250, but nowhere for my stuff or the kids. I'm not out actively searching because if I found something, I'd have to put deposits on it and pay for it until we sold the house, and I wouldn't have the income to do that. I'm going to have to rent something just maybe 2 weeks before this house actually closes, but be READY to move by then so it's just logistics. I do still have the one friend downtown who usually has an apartment every couple-few months. It depends on if she does. There are two 2-beds in one 12-apartment building, none in the other 12-apt building. The 1-beds are normally $1375 but she'd charge me $1275, the 2-beds are normally $1650 but she'd charge me $1475. They're No Pets, but they'd let me have the cats with an extra deposit. They're nothing special -- built in the 1950's and everything is old, on X and Y streets, near the old high school, not the best neighborhood, all minorities, but not the least safe neighborhood, either. They'd do, though I'd sure miss this house, the quiet, the view. I've made NO progress towards finding housing at all. But that means that I'll have to look

Anyway, Anthony: IF we went with Anthony's buyer -- and Marsha isn't so sure that's a good idea -- it won't take long for the house to sell. It would just be escrow…. It's unfortunate that we are selling it, because Anthony is right that people who HAVE property are making good money off it. If we had the money to fix this up to rent, we could refi it, rent it, and make money on it, but you want to disentwine our finances ASAP. Prices are continuing to rise, and if we could hold it for a while, we would probably get more out of it. Unless the Feds raise interest rates, and then the buyers will have less to work with, and we might get less. Marsha thinks she can move it aggressively and quickly…. The problem with that is that I have all sorts of realtors tracking people through here all the time. I'll feel like I have to get it sparkling clean and tidy and keep it that way, and frankly, that is a LOT of work to sell it as-is. I'm not even sure I'm up to it. Marsha told me not to worry about it: she has contacts with all sorts of people, such as professional cleaners who can come in and clean it top to bottom one time for far less than I've found (but we'd still have to pay for it, and I'd still have to tidy it first), gardeners who won't relandscape but will limit the fire hazard and tidy both yards (see above), and other contacts to make my life easier.

But that still leaves me the question of where I'm going to live, which also leaves the question of where we're going to put the kids's things. Anthony basically told me that we didn't have a deal because the mortgage here is less than I'll have to pay for much less space somewhere else, and that there is no way I can stay not just in town, but even in the area. I'd have to move past Town1 or Town2, maybe to far-away Town3 or even Town4. Well, that put me in tears. Those places don't even HAVE the quality of health care I have here, and I'm not even capable of making the commute. Trading off the kids would be a huge issue. It would be even if I went to Town1 or Town2, and so would seeing my doctors, much less my friends. Having to leave here is heart-breaking to me. You've told me "You'll have your money: you can live anywhere you want", but of course you don't mean that. You mean "You can live anywhere you can afford, and I really don't care where that is". But I think you do, insofar as trading off the kids would be very difficult if I were in somewhere like Town4, and you wouldn't want to drive it to, say, give me Son 2 for a day. I know your job is here, but so is everything relevant to me. And other people commute from Town1 or Town2, so so could you. If I have to go that far, it seems like it would make sense for both of us to do it so that we could at least trade off the boys easily. But I don't want to leave. And, if I have to, I can live in a one-bedroom apartment. I guess I could give the boys the room and put my bed in the living room. Tacky as hell. Otherwise, one idea was to take the bedroom myself and put a day bed with trundle bed in the living room in place of a sofa (this one is really shot), and let them sleep there when they're with me. But we still have to provide space for their stuff. They shouldn't lose everything, even if I/we do, and I really do have things I'd cry to lose. For example, I'll trim my books again, but I do read. I'm very isolated. I don't work like you do. Many of my books are things I cannot get at a non-scholarly library, and I've been reading things I never got to in grad school with pleasure (I found The Barbarian Conversion, BTW). I know I have to get rid of most of my stuff, even my trunks (sad!), but really, really don't feel like I can get rid of all of it. My budget doesn't even include clothing right now (it will have to in the long run: I have to buy underwear, shoes, and jeans), so I'd need to keep at least my Bernina and serger, sewing supplies, and very best fabric. I truly couldn't afford to replace it: one of the reasons people don't sew clothing anymore is that it's MORE expensive than buying ready-to-wear made in foreign countries out of inexpensive material with virtually free labor, and here actual fabric stores are rare and the stuff is way marked up, with little selection. I'd truly have to go to the garment district in[the big metropolis a few hours from here] to buy fabric, and couldn't afford it. It truly has to go with. I will, of course, pare relentlessly. And there are heirlooms.

Either way, we're going to have to work out where to put the stuff THEY want to keep. They shouldn't have to give up all their stuff. For example, this week they've both been playing extensively with their Legos. They want them. They have books, trophies, and one of the things I worry about is that they just have "stuff to do" here that they won't have when we're both in apartments. For example, Son 2 is making two more pepperwood staves; one for me and one for him at Durmstrang. They've been making paper match rockets. Here, they can always rummage around the work bench and find ingredients for projects, and they have outside in which to do things, like shoot Son 2's B.B. gun. Where can he do that from your apartment, or mine when I move? That will be gone. General supplies of stuff I just keep to run a house will all be gone. I hope each boy can keep one tool box of his tools. I've given Son 1 some really good ones (Craftsman),and have enough to make three boxes (and the boxes). I assume I'll need one basic tool box wherever I live (how do you live without basic tools? I've only done it once and kept having to borrow stuff from my Mom). We have triplicates; quadruplicates if you want some too, and an extra box. Everything else will go out in a garage sale. The kids "play" with tools when they're here. A lot of creative stuff will be closed to them, because we just have general supplies here that won't go with. Son 1 isn't at all sentimental, but Son 2 is. They should be able to keep things like yearbooks, too.

It's not even great as is not having space for Son 1 to sleep in his room, and they haven't been willing to help me clean it enough that they can put their stuff in their room, so it's ALL over the living room. Even though I've vacuumed part of the house, largely because Son 2's been miserable here [with allergies because she never vacuums up the cat hair], I can't possibly vacuum the living room or their room, which is where they're sleeping. I will have to have their help next time rearranging stuff, even if it's a short-term solution, and having Son 1 help me move things so I can clean for Son 2's sake. I'll do what I can between now and then.

BTW, I haven't even paid the bills or been doing the paperwork you demanded -- another deer in the headlights issue. Yes I got the letter from your lawyer, and will comply. I know I've dragged my heels, but you could've just TOLD me you needed it and given me a deadline or threatened me with the letter from your lawyer, which would have saved money. I would've done it. I will e-mail you my questions, but I've tried to do the form three times and gotten so frustrated I cried. It really will be the first thing after paying bills I do tomorrow. I'm not saying I will FINISH it tomorrow, but I will work on it. I'm counting on your having found the numbers for things like the credit union and my life insurance because I have no idea how to reach those people, haven't seen a statement in years, don't have account numbers -- in short, can't produce the information. I don't even know how much of my SSDI I pay in Medicare premiums per month, which is one of the things I have to list. If you do know, or can find out, please tell me. That is definitely ONE of my major questions.

I'm going to go get dressed to take the boys to the movies now. It will distract me from sky-high stress levels.

Wife

Gosh, Babe, maybe you want to relax just a bit?

I wrote back as follows:

Hi there,

I can’t tell if this letter contained a question, or if you were just letting me know what space you are in.  But it does sound like maybe you are trying to do too many things at the same time, with the result that it is hard to concentrate on any single one of them.  For example, I think you may find it difficult to deal at the very same time with BOTH the question “How do we sell the house?” AND ALSO the question “Where do I live after that?”  I’d recommend taking them one at a time: first comes what to do about the house, and only afterwards comes where to live next.  Because it is humanly impossible to answer all the questions at once, and it just immobilizes you.  Besides, there will always be places to live (heck, I found one), so you don’t have to have that nailed down first thing.

You raise a bunch of other questions too, about storage and paperwork and so on, but I think the same advice applies to all of them.  Pick just one – for example, maybe the one with the earliest deadline – and tackle that, while ignoring the rest.  When that question’s answered, take the one with the next earliest deadline, and do it again.  Repeat as needed.

One way to think about it might be, “Am I going to make a better decision on this question today than I will make tomorrow? Probably NOT … since I’m not going to have a lobotomy tomorrow, my brain will work the SAME way tomorrow that it does right now. So this means I’ll make the SAME decision tomorrow that I would have made today. So this means I can afford to WAIT till tomorrow on THIS question, allowing me to spend today on THAT one.”  Or instead of “today” and “tomorrow” you can substitute “this week” and “next week” (or whatever) if you are talking about big decisions that will take a while to figure out. 

This is just advice, by the way.  If you don’t want to take it, you don’t have to.  Entirely up to you.  But it’s what I’d do.

Hosea