So little

I have accomplished more or less fuck-all in my job search in the last week. Yesterday Marie sent me an email asking how it's going, since I haven't said much about it. I don't really want to admit to her how useless I've been, but this evening I sat down in front of an open text file just to type out the first things that came to my head on the subject. It ended up as a conversation that went like this.

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Why have you accomplished so little in job hunting?

Well it's not like I've done nothing. I've watched recorded videos about how to brand yourself. I've attended live webinars on important topics like how to get medical insurance when you are unemployed. I spent a lot of time formatting my resume for the state unemployment department, which was a requirement for getting Unemployment Insurance. And I've attended professional webinars put on by my professional association.

You've also squandered hours and hours of time. And all this stuff -- maybe it matters but it's all getting in your way. Why aren't you looking for work?

Because I don't want to!

You don't want work?

I wouldn't mind working. I don't want to have to look for work!

Bad news, dude, but jobs don't grow on trees.

I know that.

Fine. What do you dislike about it so much?

I don't like that it's all a competition I don't like having to think about what I'm especially good at. And all my accomplishments seem so specious. When I go online and read the requirements for this or that real job, I think there's no way I can match those. What a joke! They are looking for people who are polished and accomplished. I sit at my desk and fill out forms, after somebody else explains them all to me.

Is that all you can do?

Well -- OK, maybe not. But I don't see any way that I can pretend to meet all the bright, shiny requirements in these ads.

Are you looking at the wrong ads?

I guess I must be.

Where would you find the right ones?

Shit, I don't know! I'm googling jobs with titles similar to the ones I used to have, or that use keywords that look right.

But you don't fit most of what you find?

Let's say that when I see a new ad, the first thing I do is scan it for some requirement that would eliminate me. I usually find one.

Because you don't want to work?

Because I don't want to have to fight for it in the arena. So if there's some reason I'm going to be disqualified anyway, I figure let's get it over with. There usually is.

And you assume they are going to find someone with 100% of what they want.

Maybe not. Look, if the part I don't have is listed as "preferred" or "nice to have" then I don't worry so much. But if they absolutely require some familiarity that I don't have, why should I waste their time and mine applying?

If that's true it seems like you should spend more time at the search, not less, because you need time to weed out all the inappropriate ones. 

I know, I know. It's just depressing.

Do you need to target your search a little better? Who is it that you can really help?

Small start-ups that have just been acquired by huge global firms and need help integrating into the systems of their new parent. At least, that's where my last two jobs have been.

Is that who you are targeting?

I don't know how to find them.

Are you asking anybody?

No. Where would I even start?

Your existing network? Or that consultant that your last employer hired for you until June?

Oh. Yeah. I guess that would be a good idea. I didn't think of that. Also I don't want to move out of this general region.

Nice to know your requirements are so simple!

Well, you know, my mom ….

Yes, yes. I know. Nice to know your requirements are so simple. Are you sure you're not just adding more requirements to make a big heap so the whole effort becomes impossible?

I'm not sure, no.

So you might be?

I might.

Is that OK with you?

Fuck, I don't know. What does it matter?

Are you planning to get another job?

Oh, I'm sure it will happen sooner or later.

Which? When?

I don't know.

Do you care?

It's hard for me to care.

Because you don't want to?

Not a lot, I guess.

Do you want to retire?

I don't know if I can afford to retire.

If you could afford it, would you want to?

It would be tempting. On the other hand I look at how I piss away my days right now, and I remember how much my dad pissed away his time once he sold his business, and I'm not sure it would make me any happier. What it would make me, after a little while, is unemployable -- because I would have forgotten the dance that you have to do at work to get things done.

Are there things you still want to get done?

Sure. I want to write up all the philosophy that I keep promising out on the Patio, and maybe a couple of things I've never mentioned there. I'd like to publish a book I started writing last year about some of the stuff I do professionally.

Could you do those things if you weren't working?

You'd think so, huh? But I don't know if I'd ever get the motivation to sit down and do it.

Will you do those things if you do get a job?

I haven't yet, and I'm nearly 60.

So are you saying they'll never happen?

I'm saying I need some kind of outside compulsion.

And what about job hunting?

Look, tomorrow morning I've got an appointment with my main consultant, and also with a resume specialist. Those meetings will push me back on track.

Really?

No, not really.

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Fun, huh? Maybe I need to admit that one of my consultants is Sister Failure. Or maybe I just need to get my ass in gear. That's another way to read the data.