A few days ago Iwrote a post in which I speculated that the reason Son 1 was planning to stay away from celebrating Christmas with the rest of us was that he was being emotionally blackmailed by Wife. Son 2 is staying with me for a couple of days, and last night we talked about it. I suppose the good news is that I was completely wrong.
No, the point is that Son 1 believes – and Son 2 agreed with
him on this – that I am being childishly vindictive and cruel in my repeated
refusal
to let Wife visit my family for holidays. And he decided he no longer wants to
dignify what he sees as petty game-playing on my part with his presence. So
either I grow the hell up and drop my resistance, or he won’t show up. Son 2
said he agreed with the moral stance, but chose to come anyway precisely so
that he could discuss this with me in person. Several times he said, “I know this
isn’t pleasant to hear, but I want you to understand”; and I assured him that I
would rather understand what is true than be placated with what is pleasant.
Actually, in a sense this story is more pleasant for
me than the one I believed before. There’s a part of me that doesn’t especially mind being hated: I figure it’s only fitting punishment for my
sins, or something like that. (In the past I have explained that attitude in
one way, for example here. Now I am
starting to think that story is really too glib and not deep enough. But the
phenomenon is a reality anyway.) As I say, there’s a part of me that doesn’t
especially mind being hated. But it alarmed me to think of Son 1 victimized by
Wife’s abuse and emotional manipulation. So yeah, hearing that it’s really all my
fault is actually an improvement.
After that, Son 2 and I talked for a couple of hours. I
tried to explain, in a kind of fumbling, ham-handed way, that my attitude
towards spending holidays with Wife comes not from cruelty, but from thirty
years of abuse. I conceded that I had never talked about this with him or his
brother (and that in a sense I was glad they hadn’t already figured it
out) because all the advice I had read from Judith Wallerstein and others said
that it is a terrible thing for children of divorcing parents when the parents
bad-mouth each other to their kids. Son 2 agreed that it is indeed terrible
when that happens; but he added that one of the consequences has been that for
years they have heard all of Wife’s complaints against me but
never the other side of the story. And when you only ever hear one side of the
story, well, what are you supposed to think? Besides – and on this point we
both agreed – the boys are now adults. Rules that applied when they were still
kids don’t have to apply any longer.
Son 2 still thinks that I haven’t handled my damage from the marriage in any kind of useful way (seems to me I remember Debbie telling me the exact same thing years ago), and that there is a lot of room for improving the current situation. But he no longer condemns my attitude on straightforward moral grounds. It’s progress. He wants me to write a short email to Son 1 summarizing the same points, and then the two of them will discuss it some more.
Self: The World reversed: I
am seeking closure on a personal issue.
Situation: The Fool
reversed: I am acting recklessly.
Outcome: The Five of
Pentacles reversed: There is a possibility that this might not
end with my losing the relationship with both boys, or (figuratively) being
shut out in the cold. In other words, there could be a way forward. But don’t
fuck it up, bubbeleh.
I suppose it’s easier to read a divinatory message when you
already know what’s going to happen, isn’t it?
No comments:
Post a Comment