Debbie is discontent

A couple days ago I had a phone call with Debbie. She is discontent with her situation at home, and we talked about that. But over dinner that evening I made notes to try to remember what we had discussed, so I could write it up here, and I realized the conversation connects to a number of other topics I could talk about independently. So this single post here may end up spawning up to four others. Let's see how much stamina I have.

As background, remember that Debbie is currently living in a house that she bought for her daughter Mattie, along with Mattie's husband and their two sons (Debbie's grandsons). The idea is that now, while the boys are little, she can help with them as a live-in grandmother. (And wow, let me second the idea that parenthood is too much work for two people, so additional help with young children is always a blessing!) And in the future, so runs the plan, when Debbie is getting old and frail, Mattie and husband can offer her their help in return. It's clear and logical.

Only now she is having second thoughts.

She approached the topic very cautiously. For starters, she asked me about how I am interacting with Mother, now that she's getting old. (There's one topic for a separate post!) She also asked me whether I have thought much about how I want to live as I get older, because she said that she can see me perhaps living alone forever. (There's a second topic for a separate post!)

The fact is that she has been having conflicts with the others that she lives with. I looked back through my earlier posts before this one, and the only place where I find that I've even alluded to these conflicts is in this post here. But she has mentioned conflicts a lot more often than that. They never sound like anything big—probably they are just the results of the normal friction that comes from living with other people—but I've heard about them, ... well, ... not infrequently, at this point.

And then she talked about how she sees her old age playing out, when she gets there. (Debbie officially retired a couple months ago.) 

In the first place, whenever she tries to visualize herself in old age, she sees herself here, in Beautiful City, not there where she actually lives. 

She still has old friends here, including the people from Sangha but others as well, people that have been her friends for 30 years. Admittedly many of them are older than she is, so she is likely to outlive them. Still, they are alive today and they are here, not there. 

Mattie and her husband work all day, so Debbie fears being left alone in the house all day long once the boys are in school. 

And the house itself is well outside of town: that's fine today, but when she gets too old to drive she fears she will feel terribly isolated. And yes, of course she has been working to make contacts there too. She's part of a UU church that's maybe 20 or 30 minutes (by car!) from her house today. She has started another Sangha at that church. But that's 20-30 minutes by car. And yes, there are (a few) other houses in the immediate area right around them, within walking distance. (To get to some of those houses, though, it is a good, sturdy walk.) But it seems like she hasn't made friends with any of these people yet. I don't know if that's because they just never see each other, or if it's because they are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Probably some of both. But in any event she worries about getting more isolated when she can no longer drive.

During most of this explanation, there wasn't a lot for me to do besides listen. I think I did talk briefly about why I am suspicious of the idea of moving Far Away when you get old, even as I recognize that it is a common fantasy which I myself have enjoyed many times. (I don't remember if I have ever spelled out for you why I distrust this fantasy, but perhaps it is a third topic for a separate post.)

I did also admit that when she first told me about her plan to buy this house, my reaction was mixed. Intellectually, I thought it was brilliant, a great idea. But emotionally, I couldn't ever imagine doing the same thing myself. (I talk about that reaction at some length here.)

And I tried to reassure her on the topic of regular conflicts with the others, that a little bit of physical distance can help a relationship enormously. This is certainly something I have found out by watching my relationship with Son 1 and Son 2. (I thought I had discussed this pretty thoroughly, but I can't find more than allusions. So maybe it's a fourth topic for a separate post.)

So what does Debbie actually want to do?

In the first place, she's going to sit with the situation for longer, and continue to meditate on it. There's always room to seek more clarity. And in the immediate term she won't change anything, because her grandsons still need her help every day. But in the longer term, after they are older, ... well she is thinking about looking for a retirement community here in Beautiful City. She wants to find one that offers multiple levels of support, so that she can still be relatively independent while that's possible, while having the security of a higher level of care available when she needs it. And she wants to find one that encourages a community among the residents, because having other people around that she can engage with is so important to her. Yes, she expects some of her community to consist of her long-term friends. But as they die off, she wants to make new friends.

No concrete plans for today. But we'll see.

Now maybe I should start writing those other posts too, huh? I'll come back here to add in the links if and when I do.