"Are you going to live alone the rest of your life?"

When I talked with Debbie a couple of days ago, one thing she asked me was what plans I had made for how to live when I get really old? I told her I've made no plans. Intellectually, looking at Father's decline over a number of years and at Mother's state today, I recognize that the options are basically two: either I drop dead unexpectedly, or I will in time get feeble and need help. But I've given no thought and no planning to the topic. (After all, I'm only 60. And it's not like my friends or classmates have started dying yet!)

Of course her question was because Debbie herself has started thinking about moving into a retirement home or care facility, if not now then later. But then she asked "Are you going to live alone the rest of your life?" And she speculated that the answer might be Yes.

I told her I didn't know for sure, but she might be right. I started to add (but then swallowed the words unsaid) that this has been a topic between Marie and me ever since we got together. (In general I figure that it is best not to discuss with either of them relationship-level questions that come up between me and the other. Too much chance for confusion.)

In fact the topic has come up even in recent conversations. In an email just three days ago, Marie was talking about some emotional issues she has been trying to work through, and added as an aside that, "your coming down flat against [our living together] in the beginning of our relationship is very hard for me not to read as 'he doesn't care as much about [being with] me as I do about him.' "

I know this is something I've discussed with you before, here in this blog, at some length. There are many topics where I struggle to find earlier posts, but this isn't one of them.* And so the contours of an answer are pretty clear, not that I went into anything like this level of detail with Debbie.

On the one hand, living alone without any external constraint makes it easy to indulge in a lot of bad habits. I often eat too much, drink too much, exercise too little, and stay up too late watching stupid videos on YouTube. That said, when I do have some external constraint, so far I have been able to rise to meet it. In real life, someone asked me for a blog post to cross-publish on his blog some time in September; I dawdled and pissed around way too long with nothing to say, and then on September 30 I wrote and sent him a four-page essay on the exact subject he requested. If I know that I have two weeks until my doctor orders me to get my blood drawn to test my cholesterol and triglycerides, I can be very careful to eat only the right things and cut out drinking altogether. One of my problems today is that I know it will be 3/4 of a year before my next test, so I figure I can start eating right next week.

On the other hand, I find it very restful and relaxing to live alone. When I was younger I would get lonely, often when I was afraid I would never find someone to love romantically. Today that's less of a concern, partly because I am so much older and partly because I have email and Zoom. With Marie and Debbie both in my life, I don't feel the same kind of fear that "I'll never find anyone!" And so I can enjoy the solitude without it upsetting me.

One day, yes, I expect I'll get weaker and need help. But maybe not tomorrow or next week. 

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* I found at least three poems that discuss the topic, among other things of course: July 5, 2020, My apartment, and Am Pragfriedhof. Other discussions can be found, for example, here, here, here, and here. I'm sure you can find more without trying too hard.