Another boilerplate argument

We had an argument yesterday morning, Wife and I, which was too trivial to report except that it is significant as a type: it is another one of these arguments that recur, over and over, in almost exactly the same form each time.

Son 1 was supposed to have done something that Wife had told him to do a couple of times. I don't even remember what, but he hadn't lifted his butt out of his chair yet so I told him he had to get moving He sighed, "All right, but Mom never said I had to do it. She just suggested it."

I have no idea what Wife told him. I know that sometimes their communications don't seem to work too well. So I thought that Wife should know what he had said. Maybe she had said something totally unambiguous, in which case Son 1 was just being stubborn. But maybe she had said something that was genuinely capable of misconstruction. I didn't -- and still don't -- know which it is, and I had no desire to second-guess, or backseat drive. But I know that, had it been me, I would have welcomed feedback as additional information. So I took Wife aside for a moment:

Hosea: I told Son 1 to get it in gear and start doing what you said. By the way, just so you know, he says he thought you were just making a suggestion.

Wife: That's ridiculous. I specifically said to him 'Son, get up right now and go ...'

Hosea: Please don't tell me what you said to him. I don't need to know or want to know. So don't tell me.

Wife: Well, but I .... Oh, whatever.

I could tell that Wife had her nose out of joint after this discussion, so a while later I asked her about it. We discussed it for some minutes, and I realized that she understood my remarks -- short as they were -- to mean almost the exact opposite of what I had intended. This is truly remarkable. Let me repeat the exchange now, from each point of view separately. Text in italics represents words that were never spoken, but that each of us (in turn) understood as having been implicitly present, or assumed, or naturally entailed by the things that were said.


Here is what I was trying to say:

Hosea: I told Son 1 to get it in gear and start doing what you said. By the way, just so you know -- in other words, this is purely impersonal data that has nothing to do with whether you know how to parent him -- he says he thought you were just making a suggestion. As I say, this has nothing to do with your competence as a parent; but since nobody can ever be 100% perfect all the time, we all need feedback to see if the results we are getting match what we wanted to get. Then if not, we can do something about it. This is just that kind of feedback.

Wife: That's ridiculous. I specifically said to him 'Son, get up right now and go ...'

Hosea: Please don't tell me what you said to him. I don't need to know or want to know. After all, if I know what you said, then that sucks me into the discussion "Did you say the right thing?" "How would I have done it differently?" And that is going to make you think that I am second-guessing you as a parent. Once that conversation starts, anything I say (even if it is an idle suggestion meant to help) will sound like I am accusing you of not knowing your son. And that is not what I mean at all. On the other hand, if I don't even know what you said, it is logically impossible for me to judge whether it was right. If I don't know what you said, then it is possible that the words you spoke were 100% perfectly suited to the situation. And in that case the problem is that Son 1 is being stubborn ... which we both know he can be. In other words, if I don't know what you said, then there is no possible way you can feel like I am criticizing you, because I would have to be crazy and stupid to criticize you without knowing the facts. Since I know you already think I criticize you all the time -- though I can't imagine why, but never mind that -- we will get along better if I don't dump any more fuel on that fire. And the fire cannot possibly be fueled if I don't know what you said. So don't tell me.

Wife: Well, but I .... Oh, whatever.


But here is the exchange as Wife understood it:

Hosea: I told Son 1 to get it in gear and start doing what you said. By the way, just so you know, he says he thought you were just making a suggestion. In other words, once again you failed in the most basic parts of your job managing your son. I don't know what kind of lame-brain you are, but obviously you can't even give him a simple order without garbling it all up so it comes out sounding like some namby-pamby suggestion. Talk about useless!

Wife: That's ridiculous. I specifically said to him 'Son, get up right now and go ...'

Hosea: Please don't tell me what you said to him. I don't need to know or want to know, because it can't possibly matter. We both know you are a completely inept mother, and your pathetic attempts to defend yourself are just laughable. In fact, a defense is not only impossible, it is unneeded. I can settle in my own mind what went on without any input from you: I am quite capable of serving as prosecutor and jury and judge all at once, and a defense attorney would just muddy the waters. Basically I think so little of you that nothing you could ever say by way of explanation or excuse could ever redeem you in my eyes. So don't tell me.

Wife: Well, but I .... Oh, whatever.


If this is how Wife hears me, maybe this is part of why she insists that I am always criticizing her when by my lights I bend over backwards to avoid criticizing her. I don't know whether she understood any better after our discussion, but I found it enlightening. I just wish I knew what to do about it. The fact is -- and this much I have known for decades -- that if she didn't expect to hear criticism, she wouldn't hear nearly so much criticism. She replies (when I say this) that the reason she expects criticism is that I have criticized her so often in the past. And that runs the conversation in an endless loop, because I insist that I have done no such thing and that if she didn't expect ....

And so on. Pointless, ain't it?