Wife and I talked for a long while on Saturday, partly about whether there is anything in our marriage left to salvage (see, e.g., my discussions here and here) and partly about what it would take on our parts to salvage it if we decide Yes.
- On the one hand, Wife said that I have become a lot more distant and less affectionate in the last little while -- I no longer say "I love you," I no longer cuddle with her, and so on. She wasn't sure how long this has been true, but guessed that maybe it has been two weeks or a month. (Readers with a calendar can see that tomorrow it will have been exactly three weeks since Wife paid Boyfriend 5's electric bill.)
- On the other hand, Wife said that she still loves me. This is the same woman who chats with Boyfriend 5 about whether she should phone a divorce lawyer right now, to get the jump on me, but it could still be true. Anyone who tries to track Wife's true feelings by listening to the things she tells people will get whiplash right quick.
For my part, I proposed several things:
- I think the reason that is most likely to impel one of us to file for divorce in a hurry is fear that the other one will do so first. If we could agree not to threaten each other with maneuvering behind the other's back, I think the threat level would go way down.
- I explained that there could be several different kinds of marriage available to us: one where everything is all "fixed", a "minimalist" marriage in which we keep a healthy household for the children but otherwise go our own ways, and maybe others as well. And of course if none of those works, divorce is still an option.
- I said that I think "fixing" anything in our emotional interactions will be very, very difficult because we have to explain so much. So we may give up and opt for the "minimalist" marriage instead. I think Wife thought I was saying it was too much work for me; in fact I meant that in twenty-five years it has always been too much work for her to lay down her persecution complex and see the world as if I were not always attacking her.
- Finally, I urged that a basic starting point -- from my perspective -- had to be the assumption that both of us are willing to undergo significant trouble in order to fulfill our duties to the children. That doesn't mean always giving them what they (think they) want -- to raise children in a healthy way requires saying No far more than Yes. But it means giving them the basic security that they could never have if we split apart. Wife's first response was that of course it is not her desire to harm the children, and I told her that wasn't good enough by a long shot. I was asking about her will (not just her desire). What is more, I wanted to know not just that it is not her will to harm the children; but more importantly that it is her will not to harm the children ... and that she is prepared to carry out this will even at the cost of personal unfulfillment and personal unhappiness. Because without the assurance that we both believe this, we share no common ground as a starting point.
After chewing over that last point a lot, we both agreed to it. And that made me breathe easier. After all, it is obvious that fulfilling our duties to the children means not divorcing -- not unless conditions become somehow totally intolerable. If Wife agrees to that, then there is less chance that she will maneuver behind my back to file papers.
But can I believe what she said? I would like to. I told her that there were a couple of things, however, that would make me believe it was all talk on her part. She held her breath a bit at this point, because I think she expected me to say she had to give up Boyfriend 5. But what I said was that I couldn't tolerate her giving money or other tangible presents to Boyfriend 5 ... or to any other romantic friend. If she does that again, I will have to assume that she doesn't mean to make anything better and is just playing me for a chump; and in that case, I will figure I need to separate our assets as soon as humanly possible. But as for having boyfriends at all .... Well the truth is that I think it is bad for her psychologically and spiritually on a lot of levels. But I also think that doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is no good at all; and if she gave up Boyfriend 5 because I said so, it would be (in her eyes) just one more time that I am controlling her life. More likely, she wouldn't give him up at all, and the ensuing conflict would poison any attempt to fix things between us. So I said that -- if we want more than a "minimalist" marriage -- then one day we have to deal with the question of extra-marital affairs, but not now. Let's handle the more basic stuff first.
She agreed to send no money or gifts to Boyfriend 5 or any future romantic friend. This alone was worth the whole conversation. I even think she meant it. I fully anticipated that Boyfriend 5 would push back hard when she broke the news to him, but he does not seem to have done so; either he is more subtle than that, or he may be a sliver more honorable than I have given him credit for. Anyway, it was a good conversation.
And the rest of the weekend was a good weekend. That afternoon we cuddled for a couple hours; this morning we actually fucked for the first time in ... gosh, I've lost count. A long time. We puttered around the house, we helped the kids clean their room (more or less), ... we didn't "accomplish" a whole lot if you measure it in terms of visible work getting done. But we weren't snapping at each other, and we weren't always tense. We were relaxed and comfortable, and it was a pleasant change. In that respect, it was a true sabbath. And it was good.
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