Counseling 6

I just got back from a business trip over the weekend, so I have been tired and crabby and haven't felt much like posting. Also, things have been pretty quiet on the home front. Boyfriend 5 has been offline for most of a week, for some reason, so Wife hasn't had him relentlessly jiggling her arm. Things have been almost "normal" ... whatever that means any more ....

But we saw Counselor again today, so I should try to capture the salient points of the visit.

I think the gist of the visit is that we speak two different languages or live in different worlds, although that may not exactly be news. One way to summarize most of the discussion would be to boil it down to a long series of exchanges where Wife opens with "Hosea said X" and I reply with "But that meant Y." Some concrete examples: ....

Wife: The morning after Hosea got back from his trip, I cuddled up with him and whispered that I thought we still had the chance to make our marriage anything we wanted it to be. He grunted and said "I don't know." That proves that he has stopped caring about me and us.

Hosea: Did I say that? OK, fine. Why should I think we can make it "anything we want"? For 25 years, I haven't thought it was all that bad; frustrating in spots, but plenty of couples have other troubles. And in all that time, you have continually described the marriage as on the brink of catastrophe. The things you ask me for are things that I think you already have. If we see things so very differently, despite all the marriage counseling we have already been through, why should I think that will suddenly change? And if it doesn't change, then how can we really make our marriage "anything we want"?

Wife: Hosea has given up on the marriage. Before he left on his business trip, he asked me if we have anything left to salvage and said that to him it looked like the whole marriage was over.

Hosea: Ummm, ... not quite. I said that if you continue to believe I have injured you in a hundred ways, doing things that I have never done, and if you persist in refusing to see that you are pounding on an open door when you ask me for respect and consideration that I am already giving you ... well in that case I don't know what else I can possibly do to satisfy you. And so in that case, yes, maybe we really have no other choice but to concede that it is impossible for us ever to live on the same planet; which is the same thing as saying that the marriage is over, even if we continue to live in the same house and file a joint tax return.

Wife: Hosea has said to my face dozens of times that he has no respect for me.

Hosea: Not quite. It is true that there are a lot of things that you do for which I have no respect. But that's not the same as having no respect for you yourself. You are more than your actions. You are a human being, with free will and an immortal soul. When I criticize those actions of yours that I find sordid, it is because I respect you yourself enough to hold you to a higher standard. How dare you do XYZ -- you are better than that! If I just let it go because I thought you were incapable of acting otherwise, that would be disrespect.

Wife: There is no point telling Hosea when he says something that hurts my feelings, because he'll just say I'm being ridiculous. He just doesn't see it.

Hosea: That's absolutely right -- I just don't see it! At the time that I say whatever it is, it never once occurs to me that it could hurt your feelings because to me I am saying something totally innocuous. But that doesn't mean you can't explain it to me. It doesn't mean that I cannot be made to see it. Only you have got to open your mouth and tell me. If you want me not to trample on your feelings, you have got to help me out here by letting me know when I do it and not just storing up resentments in your bosom for 5 years ... or 25. The next time this happens, say, "Hosea, when you said that just now I felt ...." Use those words! That will be my cue that I have to stop and listen to you. And if you use those words, I really will try to understand what you are talking about and how you can take offense at something that seems so neutral to me. But you have got to communicate with me.

The thing is, I do still love her. That's the biggest reason why I am still here after all these years. I do still care deeply what happens to her. I do still want to protect her from hurt with every ounce of my strength -- even if the hurt comes from me. And I desperately want to believe that we can make it all be all right ... that we can wave a magic wand, even if it takes a hell of a lot of work from us both, and have things be finally perfect.

But I can't do it all by myself, babe. You have got to do some of the heavy lifting. And that is why I get so listless and pessimistic about our chances. Because for 25 years you have resisted doing that heavy lifting for fear that changing your perception ... conceding that maybe you aren't under chronic attack ... will destroy you. I think it is the only way to live a real life, but I know you disagree. And I don't know what to do about it.

Of course I hope that it gets better. We'll see.