Counseling 7

Yes indeed, a week has gone by and it's already time for another session with Counselor. Compared to last month, I'm really not posting much these days.

We've spent the last week getting ready for the start of school (for the kids, that is). Wife mentioned that she has been feeling a lot of anxiety about it, especially as Son 1 is moving to a new school for the first time ever. New schedule, new location, new people, new classes, new rules ... the works. Counselor asked Wife if she has expressed any of this to me, and how did I react? She said no, for the most part she didn't say anything. She had tried to mention it once, and I waved it off airily as a silly thing to worry about. Of course everything would be fine.

How did this make her feel? Like I was ignoring her. Like I was paying no attention and didn't care. So of course she wasn't about to speak up again.

And she's right. Anybody would feel like that if their worries were just waved away out of hand. And I'm sure that's exactly what I did.

For my part, I suppose I can add that I think she has been worrying too much. I think Son 1 is adaptable, and no school expects everything to be perfect the first day, and in general I have a lot more confidence than Wife does in the ability of things to work themselves out. Sure we'll hit bumps in the road, but we'll pick ourselves up and move on. So when she worries that the school won't let her pick him up in this parking lot as opposed to that one if she's 5 minutes early, I think it is a little over the top.

But that doesn't give me any right to ignore her. Saying "You know, sweetheart, it's going to be OK"? Sure, fine. Saying "That's silly"? I think that would get on my nerves if the tables were turned. Why wouldn't it bug her?

This is why I always get a little nervous when I read women writing about how their husbands ignore them, stare straight past them, or otherwise have no notion what is going on with them. It's not that I think they are wrong to complain, or to want something better and richer in their marriages. Heavens no! It's just that some days that husband is me. I am as capable as any other guy of getting caught up in what I'm doing in the moment, and of assuming that if something doesn't bug me then it shouldn't bug anybody else. There's no excuse for it, but that doesn't make it untrue.

Today in Counselor's office I told her I hadn't meant to ignore her. I told her some of the reasons I have for thinking that this big transition will all turn out OK. And she said she hadn't meant to complain because the particular incident seemed so trivial, but she felt better for my saying so.

But how many times has this happened that she has forgotten all about the event -- because by itself it was trivial? And how many of those times has she forgotten the occasion but remembered that she felt slighted, or unseen, or ignored, or unloved? And how many times does it take before the total weight of them all builds up into a situation where she feels like nothing she ever does will make her visible to me, ... even though all the while I think everything is fine?

I bet in 25 years there's been plenty of time for all that to happen.

And I am sorry. I guess saying so today counts for one. Just 19,999 more instances to go ....