Counseling 16

The day after Wife fell asleep so abruptly, we had another session with Counselor. Wife arrived late, so I spent a few minutes briefing Counselor on the previous week. I did mention D’s thoughts about narcissistic personality disorder, but I think I didn't have the right examples to make it clear what led her to that conclusion ... his response was "Well it sounds more like 'hoarding' than narcissism, from what you said."

When Wife arrived, Counselor started over as if we had discussed nothing, and asked how we are doing. (That's always his opening question.) Wife explained for the umpteenth time what happened last week, and how she felt violated and disrespected and infantilized and ignored. The antique fountain pen made it into the story, as did the bobbins and sewing machine feet. Same basic story as always.

What struck me was listening to the terms in which Wife -- and Counselor -- discussed D and me. Wife rang several changes on the theme, "Hosea never backed me up, but he took D's side and D took his side." Interesting ... first, that it was a conflict with sides; and second, that she and I were obviously on the same side. I made a very careful point, whenever I spoke about my motivations, to say "Now I can't speak for D, and I have no idea what her motivations were; but my motivation in this case was ...." Of course I did know exactly what her motivations were, because she and I had discussed it so much. But I thought it prudent to insert verbal space between us whenever I could.

Counselor did a lot of rephrasing back to Wife what she said to him, and at one point he formulated it in a way that really threw me. Inside my head, I did a double-take; but I am reasonably sure I did no such thing visibly. Wife was talking on and on about how "sterile" she finds D’s house because "everything is new" which makes it "just like a Best Western"! (Since when did Best Western start hanging Kandinskys??) And Counselor said, "What I think I'm hearing you say is that it is as if Hosea were saying, 'Out with the old and in with the new; out with your values and in with her values; out with Wife and in with D ...." ulp? Did he just say that?

So I started thinking that Counselor is a pretty sharp and perceptive guy, and I wonder how much he had already read in just half an hour. How many levels did he mean that on? Or was it a trial balloon, to test and see how either of us would react? I would swear that my mention of D was as dispassionate as I could make it, and I tried to disguise any enthusiasm my segueing immediately into a discussion of how great it is that the house is so clean now. But still I wonder how much he meant ....?