Our next appointment with Counselor was uneventful. (This brings us up to January 15, for anybody following along with a calendar.) Wife was late because of traffic and road construction; Counselor asked how I was and we talked aimlessly for a little bit. I have not told him about my affair with D yet, and see no reason to hurry ... but this means I am a bit at a loss how to answer the question "What's going on with you?" if there hasn't been anything dramatic involving Wife.
When Wife got there, she told us about an idea she had had a few days earlier -- viz., that the ritalin she is taking for her (self-prescribed) ADD might be interfering with her appetite, and might therefore explain why she has lost so much weight recently. She also spent some time talking about D's long phone call with her the Monday before. The call really seems to have done her a lot of good. She explained -- at least twice -- that D had gone out of her way to exonerate me completely, and that D had assured her further that when we went for coffee in the morning or I stayed late at the motel at night, we were not spending the time conspiring against her. (And she never thought that we might be involved? If her only worry was that we might be conspiring against her, that seems to argue in favor of a diagnosis of narcissism -- the world revolves around her -- if not outright paranoia. But what do I know?) Anyway, she said that D's reassurances made her feel a lot better (!!!) and she apologized for accusing me of conspiring in that way. In turn, I told her that it was certainly no part of my intention that the whole event hurt her so badly -- that it FEEL like a conspiracy, for starters -- and that I was sorry it had. And that topic seemed to end happily.
Then she talked about her fall. She made it quite clear that this was my fault ... she was rushing to the dinner table because I had told the boys it was time to wash up; and I am always so impatient about getting dinner served that she knew she had to run or I'd get mad at her. (Or something like that ... you all know how controlling I can be.) So she got up too fast, and -- unsurprisingly -- she fell. She talked a little longer about how she felt about this, and Counselor asked her what would make it better for her. She listed three things she would like me to do: I no longer remember what they were -- and in fact I could not remember them an hour out of the meeting -- but I remember noting at the time that I am already currently doing all three ... so compliance should be pretty easy. I replied that I didn't agree with her description of what happens when I serve up dinner, but all three of the things she asked for sounded reasonable. And about then we ran out of time.
Unexciting, but I figured I should keep you posted. So, how has your day been?
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4 comments:
You're being sarcastic right?
How can you not remember the things she asked of you?
Either your wife is delusional because she can't see that you are already doing those things; or, you are - for thinking you are already doing those things when you are not.
Which is it?
Interesting take on "couples" counseling...
Jane -- No, I wasn't being sarcastic. I really don't remember, or not exactly. As for which of us is delusional ... well naturally I think it is Wife, but I think "delusional" is a little strong. The things that she asked me for were pretty soft things, on the order of "Don't expect me to sprint to the table when you say that dinner is ready." Well, the thing is that I don't expect her to do that, and never have. This is something that she has gotten stuck in her head, from misinterpreting other things that I have said from time to time. I have tried to tell her these are misinterpretations, but she clings to them. That's not "delusional" in the sense that seeing little green men is delusional ... but it surely is frustrating. The other two were of the same order. So it's not like I could point to some objective fact in the outside world to "prove" that I am right and have been doing these things all along. Besides which, that kind of "proof" just makes things more antagonistic. I thought it would be easier just to say, "Yes dear, I'm happy to do those things." Then maybe she can make the mental adjustment to think that I am starting to do them, which would still be progress.
Janeway -- Yes, I know. :-) Many of our sessions focus on what is going on with Wife, whether or not I figure in it. Counselor usually tries to make the discussion relevant to me too, but he admitted to me once (when she had not yet arrived) that he figures that whatever is going on with Wife is the main issue for us as a couple, so he doesn't think it is inappropriate to focus this way.
Sorry for using the word delusional. I've just been very drawn to that word lately.
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