I hadn't thought about Son 1 using his student ID, but of course you are right. Gosh, I wonder if he remembers where he put it? (smile) As for the later argument, yes at some level Wife has to have some awareness of what she has become, and some awareness of why I avoid socializing with her. I think she must hide the first part of that -- what she has become -- from her conscious mind, or she would be unable to live with herself. The second part -- why I refuse to let her accompany Son 1 on school visits, etc -- she plainly understands. But like all things that reflect badly on her, I think she transmutes the knowledge (at least at a conscious level) into a feeling of persecution: if I think unpleasant things about her, that "proves" that I am an enemy -- that I am wrong. I don't think she can ever let herself acknowledge consciously the possibility that she might be wrong; and I think the reason for this is that her fundamental self-hatred and self-loathing are so intense that if she ever allowed the slightest crack in the dike then it would collapse completely and she would drown in the ensuing flood. It's a picture that makes me very sad, when I can distance myself enough from her vitriolic personal attacks on me to be able to look at it objectively. But I have given up thinking that I know the cure -- or indeed even thinking that there is a cure achievable by human hands. Maybe if she really wanted to change, she might be able to ... but I think that the very ailment makes that impossible because to want to change she first has to admit she is wrong and she can't do that. It is a vicious circle. Like the doctor says to his patient in a cartoon she cut out and taped to the bedroom door, there's nothing wrong with her that a little reincarnation couldn't clear up.
I only hope that she doesn't simply poison the minds of the boys towards the idea of a better school or a better life -- I mean, by hinting that if they go away it will be the death of her and then letting that notion worm its way into their hearts. Of course, Son 1 is more likely to be resistant to that kind of appeal anyway, and he is the first one on the firing line (so to speak). But that also gives her more time to work on Son 2, and I have deep fears about the level of damage she will do to him before she is done, using his native kindness and caring generosity to twist his heart into a pretzel around her. Sometimes I feel helpless to stop this; and it is all the worse because I have no idea how far she takes it when she talks to Son 2 in my absence. So I don't really know what to do to try to counteract it. All I can think to do is to be as consistent as I know how, to avoid engaging in manipulative whining on my own behalf and not to accept it when I hear it from the boys, to support the things the boys both do and to hold up my end as a dad. And then I hope that Son 2 will be able to see the difference between us. In the long run I suspect he will, but I also know that process can take decades of reflection and many hours of therapy. And again I feel very sad.
I have been to very few memorial services, so I didn't realize that they are as revealing as you say [in a letter I didn’t bother to quote]. But surely a person's character is revealed by the people around him. In the same way that organizations end up mirroring the person at the top, so you can see Tartuffe's peculiar preoccupations, his self-centeredness, and his total lack of internal discipline or boundaries in the lives of his children -- most of whom, in one way or other, have made complete train wrecks of their own lives. Looking at those train wrecks in turn, I have very little hope for their children .... The sins of the fathers are indeed visited on the children unto generations, not even as supernatural punishment but simply through the way we learn as children, by mimicking our parents. And once again I worry about Son 1 and Son 2.
Gosh this is turning into a depressing letter! Sorry about that ....
I don't know if Wife is consciously or intellectually aware that I have finally been unfaithful to her, but of course at an emotional level she can tell that there has been a profound shift. The loving support that she always expected from me -- that she assumed would be there regardless how she abused it -- is gone, and she feels its absence keenly. To anyone with a modicum of awareness, it would be obvious what this has to mean; combine that with the fact that she knows you and I are still in touch (sometimes several times a day) and the whole story ought to be plain to her. I do not know how much she has allowed herself to understand at a conscious level, however; sometimes she can be remarkably obtuse in that respect. And while I absolutely agree with you about the need for tact and discretion, if I were walking into a social event where I thought that everybody already knew about us there is no way I would be as bitter and reluctant as she is. It seems to me that it could only be a point of pride to be loved by someone so exceptional as you.
D’s reply was somewhat more religious than her letters often are, but she also spoke directly to my concerns about the boys.
There is so much to reflect upon concerning your last two letters. I realize that we are sinners, and I mean that in the most profound way; we can only be healed and re-created by God's mercy and grace (the theological language is unfortunate; I wish this could be said in words that are less tarnished with all the manipulation and destructiveness committed by the historical Church), but Augustine is correct when he asserts that our hearts are restless until we find rest in God. We long to be whole, to be productive, to be able to live rightly. Wife and the boys have the same yearnings, even if they are not religious or even Christian. As long as life endures, we can change and move towards God. That's the message of the thief on the cross, and we have the assurance of so many stories...lost sheep being found and rejoiced over, the conversion of many people who seemed to be lost.
There is no question that Wife will try and manipulate Son 1 and Son 2 to stay with her, but both boys have a strong desire to explore other ways of living; they will also want to study and to discover the intense pleasures this world, even with all its tragedy and despair, has to offer. You are right to realize that your consistency and balance are essential, as are your values and roles as father/mentor. I have hope and faith that all will be well. I also believe that beauty, music, and love are not optional components to a life well lived, and perhaps one day, your beloved sons can witness all three in your life. Surely your new-found courage and decisiveness are recognized, even if you do not comment on them.
I would be very surprised, indeed incredulous, if Wife did not realize that you and I loved each other. That said, people deceive themselves and hide from unpleasant realities on many levels. You are correct to appreciate the depth of her conviction that your love for her would withstand any unfaithfulness or betrayal on every imaginable level. Wife has an eerie inability to see you as fully human, or even capable of love. That conviction makes no sense when one knows you, and it puzzled me for decades. Only when I came to appreciate the depth of Wife's "self-hatred and self-loathing" did the pieces fall into place; you "cannot" love her because no one could possibly care or love her. That's unbearably sad, as you note, but it is also tremendously destructive; it is the devil's own poison. Such a belief denies God absolutely. I am very clear on this point, in part because I recognize that my own fragile sense of self-esteem also denies God and his overwhelming goodness, beauty and love. Only when you appreciate the significance of God's sustaining grace coupled with his demand that we make choices that honor ourselves and others can we begin to live as he desires us to respond to his presence and energy in the world.
Goodness...I'm not sure I've said much worth listening to this morning, but I know you will read my words in a few hours and I will feel a sense of your warmth; your arms around me, your loving kisses and embrace. You will forgive my failures, rejoice in my strengths, and share breakfast with me. There is a sweet consistency about the everyday, prosaic realities of life. I hear your clear voice, beautiful voice, in your words on the screen. How fortunate I am to know you and love you in return!
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