“You didn’t want your horrible ugly wife to embarrass you!”

The same evening that we discussed whether Wife should go to Tartuffe’s memorial service, there was a short coda which was much uglier. Very briefly: ...

Wife had registered Son 1 for an exam to get into the Honors program at our local public high school (in case he were to go there). The exam was to be given about a month after the evening we were talking. And the office made a point of telling Wife that Son 1 would need a photo ID to get in.

Wife: I guess you'll have to take him because I don't have access to his passport. [I had hidden the boys’ passports not long after Wife started acting very irrationally about her own, as described here.] Maybe you can tell me why I don't have access to his passport? I have just as much right to it as you do!

Hosea: In practical terms what difference does it make? Anywhere he needs it, we'll both be agreeing on it. Right? So he'll have it.

Wife: Yes, but I have a right to it!

Hosea: Rights are theoretical; let's stay practical.

... This cycle repeated for a while....
__________

Wife: I may not sign for him to go to boarding school.

Hosea: That's what your mother did to you. Don't follow her pattern.

Wife: Well why should I?

Hosea: Because you don't want to cut off his chances for a good education at the knees. [Of course Son 1 could get a good education at a public school too, but I was trying to appeal to Wife's academic snobbery.] I thought that whatever we fought about, we always agreed that our children's educations were the single highest priority. Are you telling me that's no longer true? That you are willing to sacrifice them so you can score some kind of points against me?

Wife: I just don't see why I should sign to send him to some school that I've never even seen. And you were very careful never to let me see any of those schools because you didn't want your horrible, ugly wife to embarrass you!

Hosea: Go see whatever you want. And it has nothing to do with embarrassing me. Son 1's high school applications aren't about me. They are about Son 1.

Wife: Yes, but I had a right to go see those schools.

Hosea: Meaning it's all about you and not Son 1?

Wife: No, but I had a right!

Hosea: Rights are theoretical. Let's stay practical and see if he gets in. If he gets in, then it really doesn't matter how, does it?

Wife: I don't see why he even has to go to boarding school.

Hosea: What? You want to keep him at home so he "doesn't forget where he came from"?

Wife: Yes!!

Hosea: Stop and think. Those were your mother's words about you. Do you really want to repeat her patterns?

silence

Hosea: Remember how you think about your mother, now that she is gone. Years in the future, when you and I are both dead and gone, is that how you want Son 1 to remember you? The same way that you remember her? Because if you break the cycle, break the pattern, then he will remember you with love and tenderness rather than with the hatred that you feel for your mother. [There is an argument that I may be spouting complete bullshit here, so far as any understanding of Son 1's psyche is concerned. But if so, I think it could have been useful bullshit.]

Wife: [in a very small voice] Do you really think that he will love me more if I let him go to boarding school?

Hosea: Yes, absolutely.

Wife: There's always college.

Hosea: Yes, but he needs this in high school. It is a special time in a boy's growth -- there is nothing quite like it. I don't know if it is the same for girls because I was never a girl; but those years for boys they really need mentors outside the home. [Again, this may be bullshit, although I don't think so; but I hope it proves useful.]
__________

Wife: And I still want my gun back. [You may remember the last time we had this discussion.]

Hosea: Really? Whom are you going to kill with it?

Wife: Nobody. I just want it back.

Hosea: Let's be practical. The only purpose of a gun is to kill somebody. Even in self-defense, the purpose is to kill somebody. And you can't be serious about wanting it for self-defense, not in our town. So you must what to kill somebody and I want to know who? Me?

Wife: Don't flatter yourself.

Hosea: Then who?

Wife: Nobody. But right now it is stolen property that has crossed state lines [neither of these is a true statement, but she thinks Boyfriend 4 took it with him when he left last time] and I want it back.

Hosea: And I just want to know whom you plan to kill with it ....

... And so the cycle loops around and continues ....

====================

I wrote all of this in a letter to D. who had just a couple of comments to add:

My goodness.

Son 1 only needs his student ID to get into the Honors exam. Imagine if the test administrators really required a passport to take the test; that action alone would discriminate against all the students from lower-income families who have no opportunity to travel.

The last argument you had with Wife was ugly; it was also absolutely predictable. She knew exactly why you never invited her to attend any of the schools with you and Son 1; she is horrible and ugly. If she refuses to allow Son 1 to attend boarding school, he will never forgive her, even if he did not want to go in the first place (which is not true). To close down the opportunity to attend any one of these wonderful schools would be unforgivable; she must know that on some level. That Son 1's attendance will also close the door to any intimacy between mother and son is, unfortunately, also true, but that will only become more pronounced; Son 1 decided long ago to have little emotional connection with his mother. I thought your comparison of Wife with her mother was appropriate, however sad and terrible. She will reconsider; your fury at being blocked on this issue will end any prospect for an amicable divorce. She would lose her health insurance and your lawyer would make short work of her desire to be a co-parent. You may have to remind her that the boys' education is of deepest significance to you. You will not shrug and move back; her numerous affairs are not as significant as the possibility that she will stop your sons from experiencing the kind of educational environment that so shaped you. Your old headmaster must be smiling from heaven, for to get such an affirmation of his life's work so many years later from one of his students is very significant.

Wife has no business with a gun. Ever. I still have nightmares about her killing me or you or both of us, and not even being able to explain why. I'm serious. She is not rational much of the time and her hatreds have twisted her thoughts. She has no 'right' to a gun given her past behavior. God in heaven.

And with that, it’s probably time to move onto the next post ....