For the most part, I think Christmas went pretty well. Wife, Son 2, and I drove to my parents' house, as usual. We met Son 1 there -- he had gotten out of school for Winter Break a couple days before and had just stuck around their house helping out rather than making the several-hour trip home just to turn around and drive back Christmas Day. (I think I have mentioned that my parents live about five minutes from Hogwarts.) The day was festive, we all had lots to eat, and Wife didn't get into any bitter arguments with my dad ... or anyone else. When we left that evening, it all seemed fine.
Once we were back home, however, it became clear that Wife was wound up over the presents. One of the ones that troubled her the most was that Brother had given Son 1 an electric guitar.
A bit of background: Brother is the rock musician in the family. He works various temp assignments as a day job, but his real interest is music. Apparently he and Son 1 were visiting some time recently and Son 1 started plinking on one of Brother's guitars, trying to pick out a tune. They talked and then Brother e-mailed me asking if it would be OK for him to get Son 1 a guitar for Christmas. I couldn't think of any reason why not.
Brother: I suppose I was just thinking of how you and the neighbors would like the noise?
Hosea: You mean like when you were Son 1's age and Dad got you some second-hand drums? No, I'm not too worried. Heck, it will mostly be his dorm-mates who have to listen to him. I think it's fine.
Turns out, though, that it troubled Wife. Why? Because it was more expensive than anything she got him, or I did.
Wife: That must have cost $800. There's no way I can compete with that!
Hosea: Uh, ... compete? What do you mean?
Wife: Well I can't afford to buy Son 1 anything costing $800!
Hosea: So what?
Wife: "So what"?? I'm his mother, that's what! What's he going to think when your brother gets him such an expensive gift and I can't do the same?
Hosea: What do you mean? Are you saying that every Christmas you want the most expensive gifts to the boys to be the ones coming from you?
Wife: Yes! Well, ... or from you. But yes, I still want to have some kind of place in his life.
Hosea: You do. What are you talking about? You're his mother. Of course you have a place in his life. We both do. And if you didn't, do you really think you could buy a place with gifts?
Wife: Are you happy with the place you have in his life?
Hosea: Of course. What do you mean?
Wife: Because I'm not! I have no place in his life any more. I text him several times a week and I get nothing back ... or at most a one word reply. I call him and he won't pick up the call. OK, I get it, he might be in class. But then he "forgets" to call back -- ever! If you're happy with your place in his life, then obviously he answers your texts and he takes your calls. Obviously you must talk to him all the time -- you must have a thriving communication with him -- and it's just me that he's avoiding! It's just me that he never wants to talk to! And now I can't even give him Christmas presents that he likes? What does that leave me, Hosea? What in Hell does that leave me?
There was nothing that I could say to this. The errors were so obvious: her place in the boys' lives has nothing to do with buying them gifts; I don't talk to Son 1 any more often than she does, but I'm OK with that; whether he likes a present has nothing to do with how much it costs. And so on. But I have tried to tell her this kind of thing before, and she can't hear it. I might as well be speaking Chinese. And so I had nothing very useful to say for the rest of that evening. Fortunately it was late and she went to bed soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment