What happened to my commitment to write once a day? In June and July I sloughed off for a few days here and there, but nothing like this: it's ten days into August and this is the first time I have written anything. What gives? Sloth? Boredom?
There's a way of looking at it that makes it not seem so bad, if I look at it narrowly. August 1 was a Friday, and it so happened that I worked kinda late that evening. The next week I had the boys with me, and in general my commitment to write has suffered during the weeks I have the boys. So from one perspective that pretty much accounts for it.
From another perspective, maybe not so much. I remember back when I first set myself the challenge of writing daily, in … what was it? April? … that one night I was about to go to bed and realized I hadn't written yet, so I dragged my lazy carcase up and sat down for half an hour. Finished in mid-sentence, too. Other times I wrote at work – taking time away from my paying job, it's true, but that's not news.
What has changed? For one thing, I guess the challenge isn't so new any more. I feel funny writing at home if the boys are there because I don't really want to explain what I'm doing. There's been a lot to do at work: that is to say, the same long-term tasks were there in the spring, but I figured I had lots of time to tackle them; now it's the end of summer, and – miraculously enough – they haven't gotten themselves done, so I have reluctantly decided it's time to pitch in just a bit. And my last couple weekends have been really slothful.
Why don't I want to tell the boys that I'm writing a journal? Because I don't want to enter whatever conversation comes next. Because I'm afraid that they'll think it's … gosh, I don't know exactly. The only word I can think of is feminine, but that's kind of a strange word to choose. Isn't it? Or maybe self-absorbed. (No, I don't think those are synonyms!) I can picture them asking "Why?" and I honestly don't know the answer. Maybe in order to understand myself better? If so, how's it working? I guess I do understand this or that a little better. Does it help on a macro level? I don't know.
I started this post on an airplane this afternoon, flying to another city for another week-long project with Hil. This is a city I've never been to before, so I guess I'll have to think up a new name for it. It's a small town in farm country with a big factory, so I guess I'll call it Sticksville. As for the original topic of this post, I have no idea where to take it. So I'll terminate this one and start another.
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