Hey sweetness! Thanks so much for the long, meaty, reply; yes, I think that answers my immediate questions (no guarantees, obviously, that I won't come up with more at some time in the future.... but probably not tonight).
"It just happened"??? Definitely not something I'd say about mine! (Hope that doesn't make me not-a-girl--checks--nah, I'm safe! Whew!) And not something I'd want to say with any conviction if I ever do it again. But it did make me laugh a bit.
Wow, that description of how it started with Girlfriend 1.... Um!!!! Even decades later, it sounds hot!
And ... very tender.
On your side, absolutely, but it sounds like maybe on all sides. I like that. Another modification to my more uncharitable recent impressions of Wife.
But yeah, I can see if it started that way Wife might have found it hard to break precedent, especially when you didn't want to and the apartment was small.
I really miscommunicated about my threesome and what I was feeling, though. Sorry about that!
As to when it happened: I rounded up a year or so. Winter of 1983/4, I think. DEFINITELY not a decade later.
Goodness. After Thanksgiving, but before spring, so coming up on the anniversary right quick, I think. Maybe over Christmas? Well before [another boyfriend] on my side, and before [another boyfriend] on hers.
Jealousy.... maybe I mean envy? I meant that I had just recognized (this morning, actually, after thinking about it overnight) that some of my self-righteous disapproval of the unevenness of your threesome with Girlfriend 1 (and BF1 & BF4), my disapproval that you and Girlfriend 1 weren't also touching/fucking each other because threesomes are supposed to be equal (says who? Says my principles, because rigid equality is necessary...) covered up that I was jealous of Girlfriend 1 for her position of being in bed with the woman she was in love with and that woman's established male lover, and not expected to put out for the guy, and able to watch while he pleasured her. And, if Girlfriend 1 chose, to touch her but not him.
Because that's what I had really wanted: not to fuck D. (well, there was no penetration anyhow because he was sensitive to my being not ready for that), not to touch him, not to be touched by him. To watch him touch and fuck her, and maybe to touch her a little myself. And maybe be touched by her a little. But mostly I wanted to watch her be given pleasure by him. Enjoy seeing her come without any responsibility for having to make it happen myself. And without either of them having an expectation of my coming, or experiencing/expressing visible pleasure myself. No performance pressures at ALL on me, in any direction.
Really, just to be a voyeuse, with permission to touch if I chose. That's what I really wanted.
But I didn't ask for that. I didn't even admit to myself that that was really what I wanted (though, it totally makes sense that I WOULD want that, given my insecurities and the way I had frozen when I'd tried with L. alone, and that I was a near-virgin).
(Did Girlfriend 1 use you shamelessly, my love, to show her how to delight Wife? I'm sure you were quite amenable to being so used.....)
But, see, I thought then that agreeing to a threesome meant I was automatically agreeing to touch and be touched by both of them; because I thought that's how a threesome was "supposed" to work.
So I didn't ask for what I wanted, and I found myself in bed with two people who expected me to participate actively with both of them, and it became clear that D. really wanted to engage with me more than with L. that night (well, I was the one he didn't have access to otherwise, and I was cute enough....) And so I was self-conscious that I wasn't doing enough for either of them, and self-conscious that I wasn't enjoying enough what either of them were trying to do with me.
(That is, I was basically fatally self-conscious whenever either of them paid me any attention at all.... )
Performance anxiety is really the key here, I think, love. I felt inadequate about not being able to give pleasure; I felt inadequate about not being able to receive pleasure. Being the vertex would have been terrifying, and I was closer to that than I wanted that night.
Being in bed with one person put too much attention on me, on what I could give and what I could feel; my hope, unadmitted and unrealized, is that with two other people there I could fade to the sidelines without them noticing.
And, y'know, I maybe could have. If I'd actually told either of them, or better yet both of them, that that's what I really wanted. "Would it be okay if I mostly just watched?" Like they would have said, "No!"
Now I just feel silly. Oh, well.
Isn't it wonderful that one does learn to communicate better with age? TOTALLY makes up for any loss of libido, in my opinion.
And I didn't have to be jealous of L. with D., or anyone, because I had the distinction of being the only woman, she said, she'd ever even thought about wanting. A man couldn't threaten that; we wouldn't be in competition.... (So long as I didn't insist on being her only, on her giving up her male lovers, and I never was stupid enough to even consider that.)
Huh. Just realized; thinking about you and a possible threesome, I've been assuming it would have to be another woman so you could get something out of it, my love. But I'd feel threatened by another woman, and I wouldn't if I were in bed with you and another man. For exactly the same reason as with L.--there'd be no real competition for my place in the ecology....
Have you read the Spider Robinson Callahan Crosstime Saloon stories? Or, more particularly, the part of that series set in Lady Sally's brothel? There's a bit in one story I was thinking of today, about a married couple who comes in once a month or so, and she fucks all comers while he watches until she collapses in exhaustion....
Does that answer your immediate questions, my dearest?
Your Marie
And then, a few minutes later, she sent me a short follow-up question.
Huh. Girlfriend 1. Just thought of something else, my love. From her perspective, you were sharing your wife with her. When you didn't have to. She probably believed (possibly correctly) that if you'd actually put your foot down, Wife would have dumped her in a moment.
So she would have had charitable thoughts for you, at least.
Or am I completely off base with that, my love?
Your Marie
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