Well, I asked ....

I said in my previous post that I should ask Wife what's going on in her head and why she would rather go to Boyfriend 5 (a comparative stranger) to seek comfort over Boyfriend 4's [probably terminal] illness than to go to anyone who knew him better or was overall closer to the two of them ... like me, for example.

Apparently the answer is that I'm an asshole. I said nasty things about Boyfriend 4 while he was still an item (Wife has apparently forgotten the incomparably savage things she used to say about him when he got drunk and irrational, or violent), and I have made snide comments since then when he has called or (once) come to visit. Therefore "obviously" I hate Boyfriend 4 and want her never to mention him in my presence. So she has to seek comfort elsewhere, because I am such a jerk.

Well, it is certainly true that I wasn't very kind about Boyfriend 4's drinking, back when he and Wife were a regular couple. And it is equally true that I have made snide comments since then. (See, e.g., my remarks about Boyfriend 4 and his Christmas visit, in paragraph 6 of this post. I guess if that doesn't count as snide, then nothing does.)

But does that mean I don't want Wife ever to mention him in my presence? Oh come on. You know, I usually think Wife is pretty intelligent; but when it comes to understanding our personal interactions, she's no brighter than a small appliance bulb. I mean, I explained to all of you (back in paragraph 5 of this post) that no matter how much it hurts me to hear about all her lovers, it hurts me way, way more for her to lie to me and try to conceal what is going on in her life. I wouldn't think that would be such a hard point to convey. But Wife's emotional life runs at about an 11-year-old level; so even though I have made this speech dozens of times to her, it still hasn't properly sunk in.

"But you'll get mad if I tell you that I was talking to this boyfriend, or that I'm worried about that one.

No dear, I will get hurt. It's different from mad.

"But you yell and say mean things, so obviously this means that you don't want me to mention it."

Ummm, I yell and say mean things because I am in incredible pain; you yell and say mean things when you stub your toe on the door -- everyone does. Does that mean that I want Boyfriend 4 to vanish off the face of the earth? No more than it means that you want to burn the door down just because you have stubbed your toe. But doesn't it mean that I want Wife never to mention Boyfriend 4? I think I have already answered that question -- dozens, maybe even hundreds of times. Wife just can't see it, however. I can't buy the argument that she is stupid or has a blind spots where relationships are concerned, so my only remaining hypothesis is that she is so frightened that her fear overcomes her reason. I don't know how to fix that, though.

I'll write more tomorrow. Tonight it is late, and I am tired.