Some of this whining I can explain easily. Wife's idea of what it takes to respect someone's time requires an almost neurotic punctiliousness and a clear understanding of the thousands of unspoken rules that she personally grew up with as a little girl. There is no way that mere kids could possibly avoid "disrespecting her time" according to her definition of what that means. Kids are, after all, self-centered beasts; and "respecting Wife's time" means catering assiduously to her in such a way that she is allowed to be a self-centered beast instead. So this one is a foregone conclusion.
She has some funny notions about authority, too. Wife figures that if she calls out from the other room -- once -- "You two had better go clean your room now," and then continues to sit at the computer for another two hours, ... well by golly they've had lots of time so that room ought to be spic and span. The fact that they don't begin to take an order seriously if it is spoken only once -- particularly when there is no visible follow-up for hours -- is to her a sign of disrespect. For my part, I can't imagine why she would expect anything different. Even Confucius says you can't treat subordinates like that and expect anything to get done.
But I have always been a bit bothered by the claim that I personally undermined her standing with the kids. I am always telling them, "Do whatever Mommy tells you," or "I don't care what you think is fair -- Mommy said X, so that's what goes." Doesn't that count as supporting her authority with them?
Today, though, I think I saw this "undermining" at work. Watch the following scene, and tell me if you see it too. [All quotes are approximate, and are intended only to convey the meaning. I don't remember anybody's exact words.]
I came home from work this afternoon, sat down in the bedroom to take off my shoes, and asked, "So, how was your day? What happened that I should know about?"
Wife: Well, Son 1 and Son 2 went over to a friend's house, and together with the friend's little sister they all went out to a park. But then Son 1 and his friend deliberately ditched Son 2 and the little sister, who were both very upset and scared at being lost. They both came home several hours ago.
Hosea: What have you imposed as a punishment?
Wife: I haven't done anything yet. I don't know what to do.
Hosea: [shouts out to the front of the house] Son 1! Son 2! Get back here -- front and center!
Boys: [hurrying in together] Yeah, Dad? What is it?
Hosea: Tell me what happened at the park today.
Each boy told me his version of what happened. The upshot was that I don't think Son 1 behaved in malice, but I think his friend was being an obnoxious jerk (his friend initially proposed the idea) and Son 1 was a dam' fool for going along with it. Poor judgment but nothing worse. On the other hand, I also figured that a point had to be made so that Son 1 will know better next time. So I told him ...
Hosea: Next time your friend comes up with an idea like that, your job is to tell him its wrong and you're not going to do it. You never split up when you are away from home in a place where some people don't know how to get back. So as a consequence, you are not going to eat dinner tonight and no snacks later in the evening. You can eat again at breakfast tomorrow. Now go finish your chores while I get dinner for the rest of us, and then we have other things to do this evening.
Son 1: Awww, Dad ...!
But he did it. And after ten minutes of pouting and feeling sorry for himself (while nonetheless finishing his chores), he was fine for the rest of the evening. Meanwhile, once the boys had left our room, I asked Wife ...
Hosea: Do you think my choice was wrong? You didn't say anything. If I need to overturn my decision, I can still do it.
Wife: I don't know. I really didn't know what to do.
Hosea: Well, did you think that any consequence at all was appropriate?
Wife: Oh yes, absolutely. I just didn't know what.
Hosea: Fine. Well this is a consequence that will get his attention, but it absolutely doesn't harm him in any way. So I think it should be fine.
Now here is the quiz for attentive readers. Did anybody catch what happened in all this that could have made the boys think that I am the only real authority in the house, and that all real decisions (including especially decisions about rules and punishment) have to be made by me? This is what Wife calls "undermining her authority with the kids." Is that what you call it?
P.S.: This whole question of respect gets even more fun. Wife feels guilty for not telling the boys that she is deeply, madly, head-over-heels in love with Boyfriend 5. After all, he is the single most important thing in her life (these days); isn't it wrong of her to keep it a secret? Isn't it implicitly lying to them?
And of course it is all my fault that she "can't tell them" because I "won't allow" her to do so.
Let's leave aside the irony that Wife is really distressed about "lying" in this case, but that she lies so cold-bloodedly in so many other cases. What does it mean to say that I "won't allow" her to tell the kids?
All it means is that I have counseled caution and delay. After all, this is the kind of news that she can't un-say. Once they know, they know. And I think she should think long and hard before telling them, precisely because I think it is very likely that once they know, they will lose all respect for her. And I want to preserve the possibility that she can keep their respect, at least a little while longer.
I don't remember if I have ever explained this in quite those terms. Maybe I should. I think Wife is too besotted with love right now to understand that the boys could seriously lose respect for her over this. But maybe it is worth pointing out that she and I had the exact same conversation back when she wanted to tell them "the truth" that she was regularly fucking Boyfriends 2, 3, and 4. (Yes, there was a time that they all overlapped.) At the time, the only argument I could make which persuaded her to wait was that the boys were young enough not to have any discretion, so they would tell their school-mates who would tell their parents ... and did Wife really want this kind of gossip all over the PTA? She didn't, and so she dropped the idea.
But suppose she had told them back then, and suppose she followed through with her desire to tell them about Boyfriend 5 today: in that case, exactly what kind of a slut would they then take her for?
And would this enhance her standing with them?
Would they feel more respect for her?
Am I once again "undermining" her respect with the boys by suggesting that she keep her affairs secret from them?
By all means let me know what you think ....
No comments:
Post a Comment