I had a dream last night, about an hour before getting up in the morning. It was a dream in which I went through all the stages of getting involved in an affair ... except the last one.
The Other Woman was someone who doesn't exist in real life; in the dream I had her pegged as the wife of one of our Senior Management staff at work ... except in reality that particular Senior Manager is a woman. (A straight woman, let me add.) And somehow this dream compressed a lot of getting-to-know-each-other into a very short time (the way dreams so often do). So we met on a business trip, had dinners together (at first in the company of other people), laughed a lot at each other's jokes, talked and talked in ever more personal ways.
Until we got to the point where it was pretty obvious to both of us that the next step was some very serious kissing; and it was equally obvious where that would end. We were sitting, somehow, playing with each other's feet. And she put a finger on the middle of my chest and said, "You know we're going to stop. You know that you aren't the kind of person to go on from here -- neither of us is." And she started to remind me of things that had happened earlier in the dream, during our "courtship." The time that I did this, the time that she did that ... did I remember those? Sure, they were part of the dream. Well, if we were the kind of people who were going to take this friendship any farther than it had already gone, wouldn't we have done different things at those points too? Now that I'm awake I don't remember what any of these details were, but at the time, in the dream, it all made sense. And I had to admit to her, with some regret, that she was right. Going on from there, however enticing, would have been completely out of character.
I'm not sure what it means, that even in my dreams I don't get the payoff after all that growing-closer. And I can still feel the softness of her foot on mine ....
Metaphysics of job-holding
2 days ago
6 comments:
That's a sweet dream and I'm impressed that you can remember it so well. I won't try to interpret it (though it mostly seems pretty clear), but I'm wondering what about it stands out most to you?
Well, I wrote it down only a few minutes after getting out of bed; at this point I don't remember it nearly as well, except for what I wrote. (It was Thursday morning, but for some reason blogger has it dated as Wednesday afternoon.)
Yeah, mostly it is pretty clear. When I wrote, "I'm not sure what it means ...," I didn't really mean exactly that. It was just a sigh or a kvetch: "Even in my own dreams I don't get the girl ...!" :-) What stands out for me -- meaning that I remember it even now -- was how sweet it felt to be at that giddy stage again, drinking deeply of each other's company. That and the feel of her foot, as we were playing footsie during the last scene. And a wistfulness that it had to end ....
I rarely recall my dreams, but I remember dreaming years ago (15 or 20) about being in love with a lovely woman with dark brown hair (my wife is blonde). We were outdoors, in a forest, and we had an infant child.
I remember the vivid feeling of being in love, and I remember her hair, and the way she held our baby.
Until I finally got my vasectomy this year I would sometimes wonder if the dream would ever come true.
Your description of that dream is spare and even prosaic, but very moving.
I don't remember any times when I thought my dreams might predict the future, but I know Wife has had dreams like that. At any rate she used to when she was younger ... she hasn't mentioned any in a long time now.
I think your dream is your way of exploring the fact that you deny yourself, even when you badly want something. It's all symbolic, not really about an affair at all.
Although the feelings it has left you with... hmmm... maybe it's more to do with the fact that, at some level, you feel forced to give up things that feel good. I guess that's really the same thing.
"... maybe it's more to do with the fact that, at some level, you feel forced to give up things that feel good."
Could be. But we all do that, don't we? It might be the extra slice of chocolate cake, or the extra glass of wine, or the extra hour of sleep, but don't we all sometimes give up one thing (that promises to feel good) for the sake of something else that we value more? I hope I don't take it to pathological extremes, although I guess nobody is qualified to judge himself .... :-)
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