"Like iron filings to a magnet"

A couple hours after this counseling session, I telephoned D and we talked for an hour. Since she hadn't spoken to Wife that day, she asked me how the session went and I summarized it for her.

Of course she agreed right away that this was progress, and that it is high time somebody kicked Wife in the ass about accepting some responsibility for the situations she creates around herself. D is every bit as sick as I am of Wife's perpetual victimhood and cowardice. And I expressed the fond hope that exercising her ability to make choices in conditions of high responsibility could help strengthen Wife's backbone in other parts of her life.

D demurred for a bit, and finally urged a qualification. Yes, the act of choosing responsibly might itself be strengthening, insofar as it means Wife would have to stop seeing herself as a victim. But, she added, to leave it at that would be to fail to understand that either way Wife risks losing a whole lot ... and that this loss could actually be emotionally weakening. Of course D conceded that what Wife would lose by choosing against me is a lot of real, tangible stuff. But she reminded me that the power of fantasy is so strong for Wife that losing Boyfriend 5 could be just as hard for her. Still, she soberly agreed that it would be good for Wife to have to make a choice in full awareness of the consequences, and that this could be an opportunity to help make things better between Wife and me.

But at that point D got very quiet, very serious, almost solemn. Why? Well, of course as Wife's friend she wants whatever is to Wife's long-term benefit. And as she loves me, so she wants me to get what I want too, and it is clear that in a perfect world I would like things to improve between Wife and me.

But Hosea, if Wife chooses to come back to you and the two of you decide to make it work, ... then where does that leave us?

Ooops. Probably should have seen that one coming. But I didn't. Does anybody know if they give out prizes for cluelessness?

I wasn't sure what to say to this. I was tempted to ask, Why does it have to leave us anywhere? God knows it wouldn't be the first time in history that a married man found himself fucking both his wife and his mistress. And the whole character of our affair -- the emotional and intellectual timbre -- is sure to be completely different from the character of my marriage with Wife. Besides which, D herself is still married. And when I asked her once what her plans for that marriage were, I got back a long paragraph of ruminations that ended in saying she didn't know. So how much difference does it make whether our marriages are functional or not?

On the other hand, D admits that she is a lot more possessive than Wife; while she grudgingly concedes that Wife has the prior claim on my time and attention -- or rather, let's cut the crap, the prior claim on my bed -- she's not happy about it and she wouldn't tolerate her husband having a mistress that she knew about. So I think that in some ways, D may be rationalizing this whole engagement on the grounds that she's currently not fucking her husband (because he has a bunch of health problems, and has let himself get dreadfully out of shape, and physical attractiveness matters a lot to D), and I'm not fucking Wife. If either of those changed, she might start having more troubles with it.

On the third hand, D has also admitted that there really is no rationalizing or justifying this affair, outside the affair itself. There is no line of argument that makes it "right". So in that case, I have to wonder why it makes any difference what either of us is doing with our respective spouse? But I guess this will be an ongoing topic.

Anyway, back to the question: where does that leave us?

I still didn't know what to say, so D started picking her way through the topic. Back when we first began talking about sex and infidelity, I had summarized for her some of the thoughts that I have spelled out at greater length in some of the posts on this blog. I had also pointed out the experience of some of the other infidelity bloggers in our community, that their affairs ultimately spiralled completely out of their control and put them at risk for significant heartbreak or desolation one way or another. At the time, she had more or less dismissed the suggestion that the risk was that great, writing, "All creative activity imposes limits; it doesn't have to be a tragic situation filled with tears and heartbreak.... We are, for better or worse, adults." But Thursday, on the phone, she admitted that she was starting to question her earlier sang-froid. Looking at her own feelings -- jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity -- when she contemplated the prospect that things might improve between Wife and me, she agreed that yes indeed there is the possibility of significant catastrophe down this road. The tears and heartbreak might prove to be real after all.

But we are going into it with our eyes open. We both realize that this kind of emotional disaster is a possible -- perhaps even likely -- outcome; but we hope that there will be enough intrinsic value in the affair itself to be worth it. D chuckled a little bit and remarked that in some ways this was really stupid -- why on earth would we sign up voluntarily for something that we knew could turn out so badly? But then she answered her own question:

"You know, Hosea -- it doesn't matter. You could show me all the reasons in the world to stay away, and I couldn't do it. Right now I am attracted to you like iron filings to a magnet. Whatever happens to me after that, I'll just have to deal with it."

And to that, I think, there is no answer. Besides, it is intoxicating to hear.
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