"Give me my gun back!"

Never a dull moment these days ....

You all remember a while ago, when I confiscated Wife's wallet and gun, right? Well, I told Wife I would give her back her wallet and ID this evening, in exchange for an agreement about how to split our finances into Hers, Mine, and Ours so that I don't have to care what she is spending money on. The agreement I wrote is full of loopholes and wouldn't stand 10 seconds in court, but I hope that at least it shows an agreed intention to a kind of common-sense division of financial responsibilities.

And then she asked for her gun back.

The conversation this morning was pretty brief, because I was already late for work, but basically I said No. What could she want it for, if not to shoot somebody? Sorry, but I'm not going there. She insisted that she had a "right" to it, I replied that I was afraid of what she could do with it, and we repeated ourselves for a few minutes before I really had to leave.

So mid-morning today she calls me at work. "Give me my gun back."

Why? So you can shoot me?

Because I have a right to it, and you don't.

But what are you going to do with it?

Nothing. But I don't like this financial agreement you are insisting on, although I signed it anyway. And if you keep my gun, then you are holding all the cards and that's not fair.

"Holding all the cards"? You mean you want to use your gun as a way to even out any negotiations between us? Ummm, ... excuse me babe, but the only way to use a gun in negotiations is by pointing it at somebody, and honestly I am not prepared to be that "somebody".

No, no, that's not what I mean at all. But listen: I've gotten legal advice which tells me that if you don't give me my gun back, I am on firm ground in filing for temporary custody of the children.

(Ulp.) OK, well, I don't have it with me. I gave it to somebody to look after, and I can't get it back today. And you remember I am leaving on a business trip tomorrow morning, right?

Who has it?

I won't tell you.

Who has it? It's my gun, and I have a right to know!

Sorry, I'll have to get back to you on that. Anyway, it's physically impossible for me to get it today, and tomorrow morning I leave town.

Then you have until you get back.

What, the minute I step off the plane? That makes no sense ... I still won't have it.

Fine, you have until 24 hours after you step off the plane. If I don't have my gun back by then, I'll file.

Click.

Well, I have to admit this rattled me. I sent a quick e-mail to a few people close to these events -- my parents, D, Boyfriend 4 -- and then called an attorney with whom I have already spoken. The Attorney had some very reassuring advice, as follows.

• First, don't panic.
• Second, don't give her the gun.
• Third, she is probably bluffing. Besides, what kind of grounds is that for custody ... that you won't give her a gun? [I interposed at this point that I had every confidence Wife would lie about the grounds if she went down this route.]
• Fine, but if she is not bluffing, let her file. Let her serve you. All she gets out of that is a court date. Then you give me a call and we work on a response ... and we show up in court. No big deal.
• Besides, when you are out of state she can't serve you ... so have a nice trip. Let's talk more when you get back.

All of it was exactly what I needed to hear. But gosh things seem to be accelerating, don't they?