"Dad's never happy"

We took Son 1 back to Hogwarts a week and a half ago.  We take Son 2 to Durmstrang in another week and a half.  After that, I talk to Wife and all Hell breaks loose.

In the meantime, I've been trying to keep life looking normal.  I go to work in the daytime, Son 2 stays at home with Wife (since he is still on summer vacation), and they have been working on getting together the things he needs for school: buying this, unearthing that from the garage, and so on.

Dinner was fairly normal, or so I thought.  Son 2 said silly things, Wife asked me how my day was at work, I told her it was fine but mostly didn't make eye contact with her ... but then I have been avoiding talking with her or making eye contact for some time now.  That's just all over for me.  With the boys, no problem of course ... but not her.

But then after dinner, when Son 2 had gone to check his Facebook account (or whatever), Wife started asking me if I am all right.  Is everything OK at work?  Am I ill?  Do I maybe need to see a psychiatrist and have my depression managed better?  Because she had noticed, she said, that I seemed more and more depressed these days.  What are "these days"?  Well she's not really sure, but certainly the last six months and probably it's been growing slowly for a couple years before that.

Of course three years ago is when we split our money and I became convinced that the marriage was unsalvageable.  And six months ago I looked at the calendar and realized it was time to get my ass in gear and finish writing a parenting plan and a financial plan so that we could proceed with the divorce as soon as both boys were out of the house.  So yes, I have probably been a little distracted.  And no, I really haven't wanted to spend any time talking with Wife.  The sound of her voice makes me flinch at this point.  And to keep myself from losing it when she starts nattering and I feel like I just can't listen a minute longer, I'll fix my attention on a spot on the far wall and just wait it out.  I don't want to have to look at her while she is talking because I don't want to have to engage.  If I don't make eye contact it is easier to let the sounds just wash over me, mumble a little, and then wrap up the conversation as soon as possible.

So Wife worries that my depression is out of control, and suggested I see a psychiatrist.  The one I used to see retired years ago, and my GP / internist has been renewing my prescription for anti-depressants ever since.  This got Wife started on a long and otherwise irrelevant litany of complaints about her own psychiatrist.  But after that she came back to saying she was worried about me. 

"Hosea, I know you don't trust me any more and you haven't confided in me in years. But I'm still concerned about you. And I still think I know you better than anybody else does, just because we have lived together for so long. Maybe the only exception is the boys, who are both very sensitive. And in fact what got me thinking about this was something Son 2 said just the other day. I was talking to him about how you hadn't seemed very happy at dinner the night before, and he said to me, 'But Mom, haven't you noticed? Dad's never happy.' Then I started thinking about it and that's when I realized he was right. You're never happy. And that worries me."

Well, I wrapped up the conversation with Wife by saying that I'd have to think about it.  And of course in truth I know that I really have been preoccupied, and why.

But I'm worried that Son 2 thinks I'm never happy.  Of course he only sees me when I am also around Wife, so I understand where he gets the idea.  But I hope I can mend it.  Once Wife and I are split, I hope he sees that I can be happy again, which I expect to be ....  On the other hand by then he'll be away at boarding school.  And I don't want to talk to him about it too early.

Something else to fret over, I guess.