Sixth date 1, Descent into Hell

For the past week, D has been staying with us again. This time she is actually staying in the house, on the floor of our study; her thought is that by not staying in a hotel, she'll save enough money that we can see each other again later in the summer as well. The thought was that she would help with just cleaning. She arranged this visit with Wife (although Wife later insisted that the visit was against her will), and promised up front that she wouldn’t throw anything away. In the end, a lot of stuff has (deservedly) gotten thrown out, although it has been perhaps something of a technicality who threw it away. Any way you look at it, it has been a really intense week.

I don’t know how to describe what has happened, how to make sense of it, how to explain plausibly the things we all have said and done, the choices we all have made. I am struggling to find a narrative angle that will allow me to narrate coherently how the week has gone ... how we have unloaded bags of trash, dozens of shirts, and somewhere over a thousand books ... how I have seen D at her best on waves of ecstatic bliss, and at her worst shrieking like a harpy at Wife ... how I have seen Wife sink deeper and deeper, from sullen resentment through systematic lies into a world that has no visible connection with this one ... how I have listened to D accuse Wife of deep-seated evil, and of betraying the bright and promising woman she used to be; and accuse me of aiding, abetting, and enabling that evil and that betrayal for decades ... how I have listened to Wife accuse D in turn of betraying their friendship, me of betraying our marriage, and both of us of tyrannizing over her ... how in the last two days I have confiscated Wife’s wallet, her cell phone, and her Smith & Wesson ... how my parents finally had a chance to meet D (who was enchanted by them – I haven’t heard from them yet), and how I finally allowed them to see the sick and damned space that Wife’s mind has come to inhabit ... how I have come to guess that the charade (D’s and mine) may well be over, and how I have come to be convinced that the marriage (Wife’s and mine) is almost certainly over.

The visit isn’t over yet (D leaves on Monday), but I am shell-shocked by it. My own mood has been bouncing around up, down, and sideways. At times I have found it scary to be with either woman, and have just longed for a little peace and quiet. But my longing for peace and quiet may be at the heart of the enabling and abetting that D correctly sees I have practised for so many years.

I fear that the bare facts of the narrative will make me look bad. I can only say they made sense at the time. I hope I can make them make sense to you.

To be continued ....