Sixth date 3, Letter from D

I realize it is kind of silly to keep posting letters that reflect on the week when I haven't told you anything about the week itself yet. But I really am not planning this out very clearly or well. As a result, when something drops into my hands that is relevant, I am going to post it before it gets away from me. Over while, I hope a mosaic picture will emerge.

D left this morning to visit other relatives, including her adult daughter. This evening she sent me the following e-mail:

Dearest Hosea,

I told [my adult daughter] something about our relationship and the week. She is very disappointed at my behavior and believes that I should end the relationship with you until we both are clearer about our respective marriages. I knew I risked receiving a message that would be very difficult to hear, but I'm also confused enough to ask for help.... I respect her clear-eyed view, and thus I am feeling considerably subdued and thoughtful.

Let's see if I can organize this material into some sort of pattern. I'll start with [Wife], move to you and finish with me.... Never doubt my love for you; but let's reconsider everything else.

There is no question that [Wife] is right on almost all the basics. I did take over tasks that were no business of mine and I did get rid of huge amounts of stuff that frankly was not mine to make decisions about. I did insult and shout at her. I took your side and made her life more and more difficult as the week went on. I'm not justifying her packing a gun, but she was certainly right on some emotional level to think that together, we threatened almost everything in her life. We did; we do.

That said, [Wife] is not stable. This is not new, but you are right to think that her complex mental and physical health problems have worsened greatly in the last two years. She is miserable herself, and toxic to others, and she has almost no ability to change or even any desire to try. [Wife] has no belief in anything or anyone; her faith life is as false as her regard for her family and friends. She is lost in a dozen ways. This confusion and self-centered outlook also makes her dangerous.... I am afraid she is capable of doing something unforgivable and tragic.

The house and all the mess, all the useless and ugly things [Wife] has bought and acquired over the years have been purchased and preserved with your agreement, however reluctant and passive ... to preserve elements of peace and to provide some stability for your beloved boys. Your decision to do so is almost certainly a mistake; it has brought her closer to moral and intellectual ruin, and you are increasingly isolated and unhappy.... [Another e-mail friend] is absolutely right to say you have had almost no power in your personal life. Your reactions, passive-aggressive at times, and angry in other situations have not helped to shift the power balance. The situation is critical now because it so obviously impacts the children. I would like to think that your willingness to join the blogging community and later, your relationship with me, are signs that you have decided to turn to others for understanding and support.

After this week, it is clear that your clinical depression is something I have to factor in every matter involving you. It is quite serious, and affects you deeply. You can be fine; charming, intellectually stimulating, and in charge, and then turn on a dime...become timid, paralyzed by the smallest decision, exhausted, passive and deeply unhappy.... Sometimes you check out entirely, but most of the time when you are depressed, I believe you are truly confused and saddened by events that have spun out of control....

My behavior...is probably inexcusable on many levels. First, I am certainly not helping either you or [Wife] deal with each other or make wise decisions about your marriage. I can no longer pretend to be neutral; after our sexual relationship began, I am not able to mediate effectively, even if I was able to do so in the past. Second, I am not being fair to the members of your family and my family by having an affair with you. If [my husband or my other children] found out, they would be deeply hurt and shocked. If [your children] discovered our love for one another, they would feel as though you had betrayed their mother. We cannot avoid the consequences of our behavior...and I am deeply afraid that we will be found out, sooner or later.

I have not filed for divorce; perhaps I have felt as though the status quo is acceptable because I am afraid you will never leave your wife and I don't want to live by myself. You have not filed for divorce because of your love and hope for [Wife], your passivity and diffidence which is part of depression, and because it is most unclear how she would survive if you left. Neither of us have decided definitively what to do about our marriages, and [my adult daughter] may be right to say our marriages must be resolved, one way or another before we can truly commit to one another and talk about forging a life together. Right now, she feels I am acting immorally and perhaps setting you and the boys up for disaster. If [Wife] finds out, will she react passively? Or will she feel so betrayed by both of us that only violence will suffice? My worst nightmare is not losing the respect and love of my family, but being responsible for harm done to you or the boys.

It is clear that I cannot be a friend to both you and [Wife]; even if you decide to end our relationship, I cannot continue to befriend [Wife]. Frankly, I don't admire and respect her any longer. Her denigration of you is intolerable on so many levels; I simply don't want to listen to her lies and bitterness and excuses any longer. Her materialism, her selfishness and her unkindness make her the last person I would ever think of as a confidant and friend. I am deeply sorry; I have so many wonderful memories of her. But the person in your home today is a shadow of the woman I once loved. I will not return to [your city].

But you...I love you beyond measure. I have considered leaving you...but I can't, not now, not without both of us sitting together, talking to each other and considering what is to be done. I love you far too much to simply walk away and wish you well. I do have terrible fears about hurting those I have loved so long and well, but I also love you with a deep and abiding love that remains, even when I know what I am doing is wrong and potentially extremely harmful. But to cut you from my heart, my mind, myself...not yet, not without more thought and prayer and discussion.

Take care, my darling. Be well.

.