In her blog Naughty Wife's Double Life, bad girl recently posted an article where she asked (among other things) whether it is possible to love two different people romantically at the same time. Of course I thought of this post where I talk about exactly that, and so I left her the following comment:
Absolutely you can love two people -- or more -- the same
way. Romantically. But it can be really painful for everybody.
Usually I've been on the other end of this (and that's
what you'll find on my blog, for instance). My wife has had several lovers over
the years, and it hasn't been easy. But I guarantee you she loved every one of
them.
The first time I saw an article about polyamory, I showed
it to my wife and said, "Have you seen this?" Ever since then she has described
herself hands-down as polyamorous. But mrj is right ... that too is tough when
you don't have everyone on board.
Sorry I don't have any good (non-depressing) advice. But
to answer your question -- yeah, it's totally possible.
In his blog Secrets Revealed, a man who calls himself Hubby writes in this post about how he felt when he first discovered his wife's infidelities. I commented as follows:
I've lived through everything you say; the only difference
is that for me it's not recent.
In a shameless plug for my own blog, I have to say that
we've even written about some of the same things. Liars lie to themselves even
more than to others? Yup. No sympathy for the craven advice that somehow you are
doing "the right thing" by keeping your mouth shut? Yup.
And as a quick note to ms. inconspicuous, ... yes you are
right. If you love your wife more than anything -- if she (and the kids) are the
center of your whole world -- then yes, that does in some sense mean accepting
the whole package. But it can be really, really tough and hurt like
hell.
Just found your blog tonight. Hang in there.
Hubby also has a more recent post about how crazy his emotions have gone since the discovery. This sounded way too familiar, so I commented as follows:
Like "Anonymous" I could start off "From one married guy
to another ...."
When I found out about my wife's first boyfriend, it was
completely deranging. I would see them together -- even just sitting, talking,
telling jokes -- and I'd feel like I was going to explode. I can't say I got in
shape or made myself any sexier, but I threw my life 180 degrees in a different
direction (bailed out of graduate school, got a job doing something completely
different).
Only she didn't quit. She told me she loved me and hated
to hurt me, and I believed it all. But she also loved her boyfriend and felt
totally torn in two. And really, I loved her so absolutely I couldn't even tell
if I wanted to insist that she quit -- although inside I was raving -- because I
wanted everything to be perfect for her.
In the end she kept it up with him for about a year. I was
still jealous and irritable, but after a while I didn't feel like I'd explode
any more. After a couple of times being in the same room with them while they
were fucking, I no longer got upset at watching them talk or tell
jokes.
Did I want to believe her, after it was all over and she
said it wouldn't happen again? With every ounce. When it was her second
boyfriend, and then her third, did I want to believe her when she gave me some
stupid-assed excuse for the passionate e-mails and the mysterious absences? Of
course I did! More than anything. But by that time I started to slide into a
different mode, where I just said "Oh give it up. I know you fuck other men.
Just have the backbone to tell me the truth about it instead of making up so
many creative lies."
I don't explode any more. Partly it just makes me sad.
Partly -- and this is really difficult to explain -- I have come to realize that
her passionate nature has always been one of the things that attracts me to her.
It's not going too far to say that it is one of the things I married her for. So
when that passion comes bursting out in the form of infidelity ... what call do
I have to complain? At some deep level, didn't I already know this was going to
be part of the package 25 years ago when we married? It wasn't conscious, but I
have to think that I somehow knew. And at the end of the day, the woman I love
more than any other is HER -- the whole package, infidelities and neuroses all
wrapped up together. It just ain't easy.
My biggest fear about her current boyfriend has nothing to
do with sex. But she's never met him in person and I'm afraid he's an Internet
con man. But that's another story. (And another shameless plug for my own
blog.)
I repeat that it ain't easy. But keep at it.
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