She listed three things:
- to feel needed
- to feel appreciated
- to feel understood
I have no idea whether this is a complete list. I guess it probably isn't, because she later described it to Boyfriend 5 as "a partial list." But it is certainly progress. Besides, some of the things that she probably wants -- like a decent sex life -- seem to be out of reach right now no matter what she does and no matter whom she is with.
But we talked about it for a while. I told her that I thought she didn't want to hear about how much I needed her, because the last time I melted down enough to tell her how much I needed her -- this was after I had been up for 24 hours fighting like hell to get home from a business trip on the other side of the country when my plane was cancelled and there were no more to be had and I feared she had spent the week fucking one boyfriend or another -- she was truly repulsed by it. Oh, today she says she wasn't repulsed at all; but at the time she told Boyfriend 5 that it was creepy and she didn't know how to deal with it. And truly, I believe that part: it has always been my job to deal with things in our marriage; how can it not be disconcerting or even frightening to Wife, to have me fall to pieces by admitting how very badly I need her?
Wife also complained -- as she has about a thousand times before -- that "You love me but you don't like me!" Leave aside for the moment whether this should matter, or whether "liking" is something more ephemeral than the morning mist, that should just be ignored in any long term relationship. Leave aside also the fact that Wife herself doesn't like herself. My basic answer was, "What am I supposed to do about that? Can you decide to like someone, just by choosing it? Or is it rather all in your power whether I like you or not?"
I wanted her to understand that she had some ownership in this situation ... there are things she could do to improve it. Among other things, she could stop lying to me. That doesn't guarantee that I would like her, because I might dislike intensely some of the things she tells me. But at any rate I would have more respect for her if she told me the truth fearlessly.
"Well, what about when I promised you that I wouldn't discuss any of our conversations with Boyfriend 5? I told you the truth about that, because I haven't! Do I get any credit for it?"
A fair question, of course. The problem is that when she told Boyfriend 5 (a few days ago) that she had made that promise, he came unglued and started shouting at her ... admittedly through the medium of IM. Her response to all this violent emotion, for what it is worth, was to tell Boyfriend 5:
"Whatever you feel you *need* to know, I will tell you.... I will break my promise [to Hosea]. It bothers me to break my word. But I will do it, rather than have you that upset or lose you. I will."
Remind me now, what was it that I was supposed to give her credit for?
Of course I didn't tell her that I know this is what she told Boyfriend 5. And my reluctance to show her evidence puts me at something of a disadvantage here, as far as "proving my point" goes. It leaves her the option of telling Boyfriend 5 that I am deranged or irrational, that I decide arbitrarily what to believe and what to disbelieve. And that is pretty much what she told him this afternoon. What I don't know is what goes on inside her head: does she herself believe that I am this irrational, because she has forced herself to forget the things she said only four days ago? Or has it occurred to her somewhere in the back of her head that the only times I disbelieve her are the times she is actually lying? I won't show her "evidence" because it will just let her see which window she has to close off. The question is whether she thinks that "true" is synonymous with "any statement that Hosea has not disproved to me in person with tangible evidence in his hands." Or does she recognize that there can be a truth that has not been proven yet?
She says she believes this, but she doesn't often act that way.
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