Counseling 1

Well we had our first visit with the Counselor today. Wife was 15 minutes late for a one hour meeting. Then when she arrived, a couple of innocuous remarks of greeting on Counselor's part led to a 15 minute discussion of some other issues Wife has going on. So it was only after half our session had elapsed that I got to explain about Boyfriend 5.

I gave a thumbnail sketch of the situation. I explained that Wife has never met Boyfriend 5, that they live far away, that there are in fact three of them, and that she has "strong emotional bonds" with all three. I never used the words "relationship addiction" but I did explain that I thought Wife might be using the rush of delirious joy that someone feels when first falling in love as a way to self-medicate her depression. I also explained that she says she feels bad about hurting me, but that she is driven by needs that she has never been able to explain. Counselor asked how I felt about the situation, but I wasn't able to give a very coherent answer.

Wife, for her part, said she doesn't want to leave me, but she wants to keep both relationships; that with me (and our kids) and that with Boyfriend 5. She explained that she loves me, admires me, and relies or depends on me. She said further that she wouldn't consider leaving unless I gave her an ultimatum and insisted that she choose them or us but that she could not have both. In a case like that, she said, she would feel cornered and would respond irrationally, like a wild animal. Finally, she gave me some inkling of what the needs are that she can't get filled by me.

1. She wants to be understood. She and I have always had bad communication problems, and Boyfriend 5 understands her instantly and intuitively.
2. She and I have always had a lousy sex life.

It wasn't a long meeting, as already noted, and we'll meet again next week. But for now, that's at least something.