Getting what you want, part 1

The day after Wife's tantrum, by coincidence, we got an e-mail from Son 1's advisor at Hogwarts giving us an update on the year so far.  He mentioned a couple of classes where Son 1 is having trouble, partly because he's not taking good notes or going in afterwards for extra help.  Son 1's advisor said it's too early in the year for him to be worried, and in any event he had already talked to Son 1 about being more diligent.  But Wife and I started to talk about it, largely through e-mail while I was at work during the day.

She wrote me:

I hope Son 1 gets a stronger grip on his classes, but in fact this is completely in character with how he's done the past two years.... He didn't do well the last two years, either, for primarily the same reasons -- he didn't take notes, had nothing to study from, didn't appear to study for tests, and didn't understand math or science.

I know you argue ardently that Hogwarts will prepare him best for wherever he goes next, but I really truly question whether that's true if he can't even handle Hogwarts successfully and with a good faith effort: e.g. getting extra help. He tells me he's just overwhelmed. Has it occurred to you that either Son 1 really doesn't care enough about being at Hogwarts on an academic level to try very hard, or that maybe Hogwarts is genuinely TOO HARD for Son 1 and that he really DOESN'T belong there? In which case, is insisting that he go there a genuine gift?

I know we differ on this, but I am really concerned that it's unfair and unkind to expect this of Son 1, however much you disagree and denigrate me for thinking it. The AP programs at [our local public high school] are also very demanding, and it isn't clear to me that he'd be getting better grades in them, either, or even that we'd continue to live in this area that long [after the divorce]. But I have to wonder.

When are we supposed to know whether Son 1 is "doing better"? Apparently he never did last year. What reason do we have to think he will now?

I wrote back:

That's why I asked his advisor specifically whether Son 1 is doing better or worse than last year.... 

Also, going to Hogwarts makes a big difference for those students who aren't academic superstars, too. Many of my classmates weren't academic superstars -- the kids who got B's and C's -- and I'll bet you most of them are making more money than I am. [If I never explained this before, I went to Hogwarts when I was in high school. And yes, my academic record was a little nuts ... possibly more impressive than anything I have done since, which is kind of pathetic.]  There is no doubt in my mind Hogwarts was good for them too. If the school were "TOO HARD" for Son 1, he'd be failing and they'd kick him out. Up till now, that hasn't been the case. Of course we don't know about this year yet.

One of my big worries about moving him to the local public high school is that he would resent the change and just check out completely. You and I both know that Son 1 is totally capable of doing things that are absolutely not in his own best interest if he starts feeling stubborn. He did it when he was three, and I'll bet he can be just as stubborn now at 16 .... Just a thought.

She answered:

I totally agree with you that Son 1 would mightily resent having to lose his senior year at Hogwarts, and I really, truly don't want to do that to him. Yes, he can be remarkably stubborn, and you're right that he might well say "fuck you" and check out. I will do anything within reason to see to it that BOTH boys can stay in their schools. It isn't fair to Son 2 to promise him the same as Son 1, let him start at Durmstrang, and then pull it out from under him, either.

I'm sure it's true that many of your "B" classmates succeeded in life. I read an article somewhere that said that the "A" students in high school and college actually make less money over the course of their lives than the "B" students do. Not than the "C" students do, however. Yes, the "A" students did have more choice of more selective colleges. But 10 years after college graduation, unless someone's goal was to get into the best possible graduate school (or law school, med school, etc., where GPA made all the difference), WHERE someone had gone to college and what his/her GPA was had become virtually unimportant. At that point, it's really all about performance. And many "A" students are academically superior, but socially inferior, while in reality, social skills make more difference on the job than academic acumen. From that point of view, of course, Son 1 excels beyond expectatons. [It's true. His social skills are really good, better than either of ours.]

Where his choice of high school, and, in fact his GPA and standardized test scores will make a huge difference, is in his ability to get into a college of his choice -- specifically somewhere that will help him to attain his goal of being a military pilot. And in that regard, they're critical. That's why I said that I just don't think he can get into Annapolis, and that makes me very sad because I know that's what he really wants. Yes, I really DO love Son 1. And I would very much hate to see him disappointed. But when I see him doing things that limit his chances to meet a goal that is so important to him, I get frustrated. His not taking notes in math class is an example. I know he's overworked this year: I totally get that. But in class, he certainly has the ability to take notes, and if he isn't, I don't understand why. If he isn't seeking extra help -- and you'll notice that his advisor said that they may make that mandatory for him if his grades don't come up (which I back completely), then again, I don't think he's helping himself to achieve his own, much-wanted goals, as much as he could be. And I don't understand why. He really, really, when I've talked to him, doesn't seem to take seriously the connection between doing things like that and getting what he wants in the long run. That's probably typical of an adolescent. But he's had a lot of adult help understanding it from you, me, and his academic advisors at Hogwarts.... 
All I'm suggesting with Son 1 is that he may NOT get into a military academy. As you point out, he may be able to go to another good college with a good ROTC program, so that he graduates an officer. That may or may not lead to a career as a fighter pilot, which is why Son 1 wants to be in the military. He doesn't want to be a platoon commander, an administrator, or an airline mechanic. He doesn't even want to fly helicopters. He wants to fly fighters. And he may simply not get that. Few people do, even if they're VERY good, even in the cockpit. If not, I hope he can get something else he's happy with. For example, I believe that, if he had the money for the training, he could become a commercial pilot. A friend of mine who works as a stewardess tells me that almost all of them come out of flying for the military, but a few train privately, go to work for short-run commercial companies like UPS, then work their way into flying for major airlines. But Son 1 has already made it clear that he doesn't want to do that. It would be boring for him, and he craves the excitement of being on-deck of an aircraft carrier. I'm not sure how he can make that happen.  For his sake, I hope he can, because I fear his being very disappointed if he can't. That's what I was trying to express to you last night, and I don't think you got it. I'm afraid that, if he doesn't take his studies seriously enough while at Hogwarts, his ultimate goal will be out of his reach, and that will make him very unhappy, and I really, really don't want to see his life's goal thwarted.

So if I'm mad at him for not applying himself as much as he could, that is why. It's not that I think that he shouldn't be allowed to go to Hogwarts if he's going to get an occasional "B" -- it's that he has a fantastic opportunity in Hogwarts, and it hurts me, for his sake, if he wastes it. And yes, that comes out as anger, probably because I would have LOVED to have had that kind of opportunity, and it was not even potentially possible, and I would have applied myself completely, as I did in college. Son 1 and Son 2 have it, and I don't think they understand how lucky they are to have it, or what it costs us personally to give it to them. I'm not asking for gratitude: I'm asking for them to make the most of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Is it worth it? I'd really like to say yes. I think it's very important. And no, I certainly wouldn't have spent the money on shoes! -- that was a low blow. I might have spent it on keeping the house above water by doing desperately needed maintenance, and certainly would've been willing to put it into their college funds. I am simply not nearly as convinced as you are that they will be able to go to good colleges if we have no assets. And I would hate to see them saddle themselves with many years of loans so that they can go to good colleges. Many students do that now, and have to put off marriage and children, much less home ownership, because of it. There are lots of articles on the subject. I don't want that future for my children. THAT is my motivation, and I don't believe it reflects a lack of love of them on my part. Quite the opposite.

I think this letter put a far better face on what she was trying to say than any of her ranting the night before.  (It's one reason I prefer e-mail for this kind of conversation. Cowardice is another reason.)  The last two paragraphs there are particularly important because the real root issue becomes clear there.  But this has already become very long, so I will save my reply for the next post.